PMS, Eating the Food and Learning that its OKAY to Let Yourself Cry.

*Ladies TMI* I need to remember that my emotional state is severely affected by hormones towards the END of my period rather than right before like 'back in the day'.  I started noticing this shift a few years ago (I'm 42) and its only gotten more severe lately.

My period starts and forgetting that I JUST went through this a month ago, I think, "Wow!!!  My period started and I didn't have any emotional meltdowns!!!"

Then by the middle of the period, I feel super fat and bloated and it hits me HARD emotionally.  I struggle and flounder for a few days of arguing with myself, "No, I am NOT going to feel bad about myself damn it!" "YES I AM.  I FEEL FATTTTTT"

Then it peaks about the last day of my period and I keep bursting into tears over nothing and everything and my mind bounces around trying to find something happy/peaceful to land on and I just cry instead.

Yesterday was my super emotional day.  Which also fell on my birthday.  Which also fell during a visit from my brother and dad (Severely dysfunction family and childhood issues abound) that left me feeling... *dark* for lack of a better word.

I was feeling bad ABOUT feeling bad and starting to really cycle down into the self abuse cycle when some friends reminded me that it is perfectly OKAY to feel sad and just cry.  IT IS NORMAL TO FEEL SAD SOMETIMES.

So I did.  I just let myself feel sad.  And then I had some birthday drinks and I slept like a rock.  I woke up this morning feeling like I had literally lost ten pounds over night.  The period bloating is gone, my emotional surge feels done and I didn't *fix* it by trying to stuff everything down!  I feel like this is progress!!!

OH!  One other thing, I was craving chocolate like MAD all weekend and through yesterday.  Even though I no longer keep foods on a restricted list and could have had it at any time, I just had probably 4 chocolate zucchini muffins and one small cup of ice cream over the entire FIVE DAYS of perioding!!!  Not restricting is helping me so much.  Usually I would have used the hormones/pms as a 'screw this! I'm eating it because I feel horrible and I *deserve* it.'  This time, since I knew I could just have it whenever I wanted, I just kept thinking, "eh, I'll just get something later".  I took the *Treat* factor out of it for myself.  I LOVE THIS.

Tonight is workout #3 from "The Beautiful Badass Workout" by Nia Shanks

Setting Daily Goals for Positive Visualization to change my Body, my Self Image and My Life.

Today is my birthday.  I am 42 years old.  I have spent almost 4 decades being horrible to myself, refusing to love myself outside of some 'perfect' nearly unattainable physical goal.

I am done with that.  

Singing "Baby Got Back" with two of my kids at my birthday party and just enjoying my friends and my party.  PMSing, bloated... and yet I was able to just let go and have FUN and make a REALLY memorable night for myself, my friends and my family.  Any other year, I would have stayed home by myself and been miserable because I was allowing my self loathing to dictate that I didn't "deserve" to have fun and be around people unless I was at my "goal weight" and looked "good enough."  Fuck that noise!!!  No more!!!

Does that mean I'm giving up on my health, getting fitter, more muscular and leaner?

Absofuckinglutely NOT.

It means I am through waiting for "the perfect body" before I'll love myself.  I am never going to change my body by hating it, beating it up and always looking at myself as fat, unattractive and worthless.  From now on I am going to retrain my thoughts to think positively about myself.  I am going to feel beautiful and just get sexier every day. 

Goals:

• Workout (Free download: Beautiful Badass by Nia Shanks) three days a week.  Lift HEAVY.  Get STRONG.
• Use visualization during workouts.  Be focused and purposeful.
• Meditation for at least 15 minutes a day.  (3 times a day for 5 minutes each, probably, as I'm not very good at sitting still).
• Keep the house clean (this helps my stress level immensely if I don't have to walk around looking at mess)
• Blog 3 days a week: Day One:  Creative Visualization Exercises/Challenges, Day Two:   Fitness/Progress Pics/Workouts, etc., Day Three:  Non Scale Victories/Personal realizations

Share your goals with me!  What would you like to accomplish on a daily/weekly basis?

Creative Visualization in Practice: My First Time using Shakti Gawain's techniques

As I posted yesterday, I read the book "Creative Visualization" after a few months of really feeling that the positive thinking area is where I needed to focus my attention to make serious changes in my life.  Today I did my first guided meditation, using the methods of meditating in that book.  It was a lot mroe intense than I expected.

STRANGE.  

Or it was the subliminal 'stress relief' audio.

At first it was really easy, relaxing.  I did the grounding exercise and found it really easy to visualize the roots going into the ground, but I couldn't visualize the connect through the head/universe thing.  

I finally just left that and started on the energy points.  That felt easy.  Just hitting each energy point and feeling it come 'on' down, then up, then back down from head, throat, chest, midsection, pelvis & feet and then up again.  That felt so easy and 'right' that I used that whenever I found myself being distracted.

I started out with some of the affirmations, 

Infinite riches are now flowing into my life

Everything is coming to me easily and effortlessly

I have a firm, sexy body

As money/financial stress is the biggest stress in my life right now, and I believe it has had a huge impact on my weight gain (constant stress fatigues the adrenals) that is my MAIN focus.  I need that stress gone so that I can get healthy.

Then I started visualizing having $2,000.00.  Extra, unexpected money.  I counted it in my hands, showed it to the kids, posted about it on livejournal and on my blog.  I then tried laying it out on the table and kept feeling blocked, so I went back tot he energy points for a while, then came back and laid the money out on the couch and counted it.  I used half of it to pay back part of a loan and half to pay bills and felt SO MUCH RELIEF.

I then watched my husband as he went about his day and saw him finding money in random, unexpected places. On the ground at the gas station where he stops to get gas, on a sidewalk, on the floor of the mail truck, odd places. Once it even floated onto his windshield as you were delivering mail.  Some loose change, some dollar bills, a roll of money that had a twenty and a ten dollar bill in it.

Then I remembered about finding the 'safe place' or whatever it was called.  I found myself sitting on the beach watching the kids play in the ocean with you sitting beside me.  I felt deeply content and at peace.

Then I remembered that I had wanted to have my secret place be a secluded waterfall :) so I started to go there instead, but then suddenly (this is really really weird) my husband and I were in a basket type thing (like in a hot air balloon, but on a zip line instead) high in some tropical mountains and I FREAKED OUT in the basket.  SO much so that my first thought was to jump out because surely death was preferable to feeling that much fear and anxiety.

That was SO strange to me that I decided at that point to not have a secret place right now and I went back to the energy points again.  I did that over and over until I felt calm and then went back to seeing you at work.  I ran my hand over your shoulder and visualized heat and healing to your shoulder ...

Holy god this sounds so freaking weird... seriously.  This is WEIRD to write, but its what my brain did, so I want to write it down.)  Never having done this in a purposeful way before, I just let my mind go where it wanted for the most part as I tried some of the exercises that I remembered from the "Creative Visualization" book.

Anyway, I visualized running my hands over my husband's head, down the back of his head and over his shoulder.  I did that over and over for a while and it felt so real that I started to wonder if he was feeling it. :)  I can't tell you how much I want him to be pain free (he has an old shoulder injury that has nearly disabled him).  I spent a bit of time there, trying things that seemed helpful.

Body Imagery

Then I visualized myself, starting at my feet and working my way up, then stalled so I started at the top of my head.  I visualized my skin smoothing (almost like photo editing:), extra fat melting away, spots melting away, muscle definition showing up.  I started from the top and worked my way down and then back up the backside.  This seemed to take a while and felt really difficult at times, but once I refocused, I was able to finish the whole process.

And now my mind just blanked.  I don't know what else happened.  At some point soon thereafter I just started feeling anxiety and stress, so I just brought myself out of that state and got up.

The cat was meowing, so I let her out and felt incredible amounts of stress so I locked the door.  It felt very weird, so I came back to our room to write this out before I forgot.  I turned off the subliminal stress relief and typed this up.  

That's where I am.  I feel excited to see the effects of this process.

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Putting The Power of Positive/Creative Visualization to Work

I have been thinking a lot about positive thinking, purposefully trying to change my attitude about my body, especially, but also in my life in general.

I'm going to work through the exercises in the book "Creative Visualization" by Shakti Gawain by typing them up into a blog post once a week.  I am going to change my negative thought patterns around myself, my body, finances and health... and blog about it as I go.

First Assignment:  Figure Out What Your Goals Are (Write the first thing that comes to mind)

Career/Work:

Become a certified personal trainer

Sell my art

Money

Have more than enough to sustain our desired lives comfortably

Have abundant finances, allowing me to help friends and those in need

Lifestyle/Possessions

Own working vehicles and everything in our home and in our yard is working effectively and efficiently

Change morning and evening habits to include relaxation exercises (and cut out alcohol 5-6 nights a week)

Relationships

I will have an intimate, passionate, deeply loving relationship with my husband

I will have a close, deeply loving and respectful relationship with my children and their friends and partners. They will feel comfortable coming to me for advice on anything.

Creative Self Expression

I will create amazing works of art, the medium I choose will flow perfectly and make people feel wonderful and at peace when they look at them.

My house will be my colorful, peaceful and relaxing sanctuary for myself and my family.

Leisure/Travel

I will have a wonderful vacation alone with my husband on a beach in the perfect climate.

Our family will have an amazing fun and adventurous tropical vacation together.

Personal Growth/Education

I will learn/read/absorb everything I can about utilizing the powers of positive thinking, creative visualization and changing my mind and attitude towards things in life.

I will learn the best way to help myself and others to get in the healthiest state of our/their lives.

Phew!  That was actually kind of enlightening.  I really just wrote in a stream of consciousness and some of these things came out and I read it and thought, "Huh.  I didn't realize THAT would be my answer."  I set myself a limit/goal of two per category, but feel free to write whatever or however many you want.  Just type or write without thinking too hard... let it flow.

Share your goals in the comments if you like.

NOT Eating the Food and Emotional Melt Downs.

Yesterday turned into an emotional melt down. Quite likely because I didn't eat much and when I did, I was desperate, in a hurry and eating food from a convenience store that I KNOW tends to make me feel crappy. 

I had a couple of things that I needed to do that turned into what felt like a million things to do and I was just rushing all over the place. I kept forgetting to take my water with me, so I was dehydrated. 

By the end of the day, I was an emotional wreck. I was exhausted, I felt like my body was disgusting and I just wanted to cry.

I tried looking at progress photos to remind myself that I AM getting there, I AM making progress, but last night, all I saw was fat and disgusting and I just wanted to beat myself up more.

Today I can look at these photos and see that yeah, I'm not where I want to be at the end, but I AM making progress.  I am growing muscles and I'm IMPROVING every week!

I REALLY think most of my emotional meltdown was about the food I ate. I didn't have hardly any money, so I ended up eating a snickers bar and 2 corn dogs. I think I might have had a shake at home, and I had a bit of protein when I first woke up... and that was it. I didn't eat hardly anything. I also didn't make it to the gym because I was literally running errands/shuttling people around all day.

Today is a new day. I had bacon and eggs for breakfast and today has already 'felt' better 

Fuel your body in ways that make it feel GOOD, in ways that make you feel good and give you the energy to move to make yourself feel even better!

Have a fabulous day!!! I'm going to! I'm going to feel great about myself, I'm going to use this body to clean my house and prepare for a big birthday bash this weekend for my husband and I (we're 6 days apart) So HAVE A FABULOUS DAY and LOVE YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT and because I said so!

Mwah!!! (I'm feeling a little sassy today:)

Just Because I've Decided to Love Myself NOW, DOES NOT Mean That I'm Giving Up.

I think that although I haven't 'given up' on an aesthetic ideal by any means, I HAVE decided to focus more on my mental/emotional side AND getting stronger/building muscle FIRST. I want to give myself time to heal from my disordered thinking and self loathing that I've suffered with for most of my life. I deserve better. I've made it my goal to lift heavy 4 times a week or more for six months solid, and THEN worry about aesthetics again if I want/need to. The muscle will help a LOT with fat loss, and having the time to learn to love myself will help me feel better in every way.

I used to always think that if I could just get thin enough FIRST, THEN I could learn to love myself. Too many failed attempts (and even getting lean!) didn't help me love myself. I think I had it backwards and I have nothing to lose by loving myself first.

So here is my priority: Stronger, Healthier, Learn to Love myself. Revisit in a few months to see where I am.

I'm tired of the habit I've had of always thinking that "I will love myself when I lose x amount of pounds".  No.  I deserve to love myself NOW.  I wouldn't want my children to think that way, and I don't deserve to feel that way any longer either.  Neither do you.

My Five Months lifting and "Eating the Food" 'progress'

My lifting and "Eating the Food" 'progress' thus far.

Here we go... *gulp* I started lifting in mid-to late January. I had to take it easy for the first month as I was coming off of a back injury, but I started lifting 3-5 days a week. Soon I was lifting 5-6 days a week with 1 hour workouts and I really really LOVE lifting. No cardio.
During April I started "Eating the Food" (not that I was really purposefully restricting anything other than grains before that, but I DEFINITELY wasn't eating enough because I just didn't know!)

In May I added some little bursts of HIIT cardio during my lifting, but took the workouts down to 2 days a week because I was on my feet all weekends for Ren Faire.  So while there isn't a LOT of progress from the second to third row, the fact that there wasn't much decline when I took over a month off from 5-6 day a week workouts AND upped my calories quite a bit... I think that says a lot.  

First row (Jan) I was 210 pounds, 41% bf and MISERABLE. My own body issues, but I was VERY uncomfortable in my skin. 

Second Row, I was working our 5-6 days a week and losing, 195 lbs and 35.7% bf

Third row: Today, ETF (ZERO restrictions), lifting 2 days a week, 198 lbs and 36.7% bf. 


Moving forward: Going back to 5 days a week lifting heavy things, because I MISS IT. Probably not much HIIT because I hate cardio, trying to eat more veggies, but otherwise ETF. I'm curious to see what happens. It feels like I didn't "lose" much progress wise on my month "off" and I lost very little strength on my lifting, so I'm happy. I'm on board with trying to do what makes me feel good, LISTENING to my body... all around, be it activity, exercise, food, everything.

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The BIGGEST change? I have no problem strutting my stuff in the little mini dress, even though TECHNICALLY I'm only like 12 pounds less than in the first pic when I would NOT leave my house without a big jacket/hoodie on, even IN the gym, even when it was literally 115 degrees outside! My WHOLE attitude has changed.

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I just realized that I will turn 42 next month!  I am feeling so great physically (other than injuring myself so easily!!!)... I love where I'm at in my head, with my self esteem and body image.  I hope everyone can learn to love themselves if they haven't yet... it is an incredible feeling!