LOVE YOUR BODY NOW! Body Image Obsession, Control Issues and Childhood Abuse...

I've been feeling a lot of pressure lately.  A lot of pressure to 'accept my body' to 'stop obsessing about how I look' and to just 'enjoy the journey of getting healthy'.  Those phrases specifically were starting to really annoy me.  Mostly because I was TRYING to accept my body, and I started to feel like people were judging me for NOT loving myself enough RIGHT THE HELL NOW.

I had people telling me that I needed therapy, I had people getting ANGRY at me for not feeling sexy and JUST ACCEPTING IT RIGHT NOW.  I had one woman tell me in no uncertain terms that I needed to get help because having feelings like I had expressed was abnormal and WRONG... even after dozens of women had answered my original post saying, "I FEEL THIS WAY TOO!"

I saw comments on other peoples' pages expressing the same general idea, "If you don't fully love your body right now, there is something WRONG WITH YOU.  YOU ARE MENTAL, YOU NEED OUTSIDE HELP... THIS IS BAD, YOU ARE WRONG... YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS THIS WAY..." etc.

BULL SHIT.  I know that I am not the only one seeing these messages and feeling this way.  Shaming me and making me feel like some freak of nature is NOT HELPFUL.

Yeah, I see plenty of "love yourself" memes and pictures...

But often instead of seeing THIS:

I SEE THIS:

**I know consciously that is not the INTENTION behind these words/memes

I realized that I was becoming really FURIOUS, over the top angry with people for this.  I realized that I was overreacting, mostly (I thought) because I had been TRYING to overcome my shame about my body, my shame about being fat.  For the last two years, I scoured self help sites, looking for some way to accept the fact that my body had accumulated this extra fat.  Looking at myself in the mirror did not help.  I just felt worse.  Repeating mantras over and over about how much I loved and accepted myself weren't helping.

All of the "Don't let the MEDIA tell you how you should look!!!" doesn't fit for me, either.  Hell, my IDEAL body STILL wouldn't fit the media ideal anyway!

I had to leave some groups/unlike some 'encouraging pages' because they were starting to trigger this deep seated response in me that I couldn't figure out, and it was having an effect on my day to day life, depression, my ability to enjoy ANYTHING and especially my ability to keep on moving on a path that I know I believe in.

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Trigger Warning

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I finally, through a conversation with my very frustrated husband, dug down deep enough to try to explain that my "body image obsession" wasn't even all about my body.  It was about my WHOLE SELF.  It was about CONTROL when I'm feeling overwhelmed by life stresses.

First off, my whole body image obsession thing is just as much a coping mechanism as anything else. At times when life gets too stressful, that is the only thing that I have ever been able to actually control. Be it my growing up years, years of sexual abuse in my childhood, bullying in elementary school, being ostracized throughout middle and high school, or even just stressful adult years... the only thing I often have always felt like I was in control of is what I eat, what exercise I do, etc.  

When I first started asking my mom questions about my childhood (without telling her that I was asking because I was having memories of sexual abuse), she told me that when we lived in WI with [her boyfriend, one of my abusers], that she always found food stashed and hidden in my room... [her boyfriend] could come to my room at night and take control of me, but he couldn't force me to eat at meal times.

I don't remember why, but I know that there are certain foods that cause a deep seated reaction in me. Tomato soup, for instance.  One of my vivid memories as a young child is being at my aunt's house because she was watching me and making tomato soup.  I can't even stand the smell of tomato soup without wanting to vomit.  Ever.  I don't have any specific memories of abuse at her house, just an overwhelming feeling of... discomfort, grossness, yuck.

I remember food being a control issue for me all through middle school and high school as well.  My mom could worry, my step dad could yell, but they couldn't force me to eat.  Boys could pressure me, grope me, try to take advantage (or take advantage), but they couldn't control what *I* chose to eat, how I chose to treat my own body.

I had very few friends and was often at odds with them because I didn't play the power trip games well.  I might not have had any control over anything else in my life, but I could control what food I put in my body.  I could punish myself with food or lack of food, I could make myself forget the stress going on around me, in my home life, with the emotional abuse and just dark cloud that was always hanging around by focusing on food.  Controlling food.  Making myself starve, making myself exercise until I slept.

In ADDITION to all of the 'don't be fat' mantra that I told myself/heard all the time.  It was something my mom and aunts (on my mother's side) were always obsessed about.  In that family, the thin people were 'good', the overweight people were people to feel sorry for.

So the whole, food=control aka being thin/fit=good, wanted, etc... the fact that I have totally lost control over that (aka, I got *fat*) has been a HUGE source of stress for me for the last few years ON TOP OF the actual body image, just the fact that I've lost the ability to even control what my body is doing/looks like? That's a pretty deeply seated fucking deal. (Yes, I'm 42 years old and my childhood shit is rearing its head AGAIN. I know.)

So no, its not just about body image... its about the fact that it FEELS LIKE everything is crumbling around me all the fucking time and there isn't a damned thing I can do about it.  Even knowing that RATIONALLY, my life is okay and things will get better/be fine, all of the accumulated stresses (even just the financial shit) really sends me SUBCONSCIOUSLY into the whole lifetime routine of focusing all of my stress onto my body, my 'willpower', my self control... Its not as simple as "Just love your body right now"...  I need to figure out how to reset these deeply ingrained thought patterns in my head.  

And its just not as simple as "love your body the way it is right now"  I wish it was.  I DO think its possible to heal from this, to FIX this, but I need a different focus, a different message... and I WILL find it.

And that is enough rambling for today.  Sorry for the disorganized stream of thought rambling... I'm trying to figure things out.

Setting Daily Goals for Positive Visualization to change my Body, my Self Image and My Life.

Today is my birthday.  I am 42 years old.  I have spent almost 4 decades being horrible to myself, refusing to love myself outside of some 'perfect' nearly unattainable physical goal.

I am done with that.  

Singing "Baby Got Back" with two of my kids at my birthday party and just enjoying my friends and my party.  PMSing, bloated... and yet I was able to just let go and have FUN and make a REALLY memorable night for myself, my friends and my family.  Any other year, I would have stayed home by myself and been miserable because I was allowing my self loathing to dictate that I didn't "deserve" to have fun and be around people unless I was at my "goal weight" and looked "good enough."  Fuck that noise!!!  No more!!!

Does that mean I'm giving up on my health, getting fitter, more muscular and leaner?

Absofuckinglutely NOT.

It means I am through waiting for "the perfect body" before I'll love myself.  I am never going to change my body by hating it, beating it up and always looking at myself as fat, unattractive and worthless.  From now on I am going to retrain my thoughts to think positively about myself.  I am going to feel beautiful and just get sexier every day. 

Goals:

• Workout (Free download: Beautiful Badass by Nia Shanks) three days a week.  Lift HEAVY.  Get STRONG.
• Use visualization during workouts.  Be focused and purposeful.
• Meditation for at least 15 minutes a day.  (3 times a day for 5 minutes each, probably, as I'm not very good at sitting still).
• Keep the house clean (this helps my stress level immensely if I don't have to walk around looking at mess)
• Blog 3 days a week: Day One:  Creative Visualization Exercises/Challenges, Day Two:   Fitness/Progress Pics/Workouts, etc., Day Three:  Non Scale Victories/Personal realizations

Share your goals with me!  What would you like to accomplish on a daily/weekly basis?

Measurements... I've lost 19 inches. Damn.

Well, I went to take pictures today... even though its still over a week away from my 'scheduled' 30 day progress pictures.  I mainly wanted to do it because I have been FEELING so different.  I've been feeling like I'm a lot less "fluffy" and I know I"m gaining more muscle and feeling stronger.

Anyway, the photos didn't impress me compared to last month's photos.  I didn't see ANY changes, and what I did see just depressed me.  I am still depressed that I've gotten this far off track.  THEN I went and compared them to my STARTING or "before" pictures.  That was a little more impressive:

I'm not estatic, but I am proud of the fact that I AM changing my body and getting to where I like it more!  I'm more comfortable in my skin... and that's saying a LOT!

ANYWAY, thankfully I took my measurements BEFORE I looked at the pictures (because that was a bit depressing for me to see, even with the changes, I don't like looking at myself that closely!).  I've lost a little over 19 inches.  It isn't quite THAT amazing, because for SOME odd reason that I can't explain, the last time I measured, I had gained inches in a lot of places, even though I had lost weight.  I don't know...

Here are my measurements:

My body fat % has gone down a lot as well, and I can definitely FEEL a difference.  My weight is going down... and honestly, I'm not hitting it as hard as I could as far as fat loss.  For me, quitting grains and quitting drinking was a HUGE, huge thing.  I'm glad that I've quit and it doesn't have a hold on me.  I have to see that as a HUGE victory.  At the end of my 3 months, I want to regroup and plan to get serious about the HIIT cardio and then I'm sure I'll see faster changes.

For now, I'm going to be okay with slower fat loss (than I expected) because I'm THRILLED with the strength training.  I'm thrilled that I'm gaining muscles and getting stronger.  I'm amazed to see the fat coming off without losing much of anything else.  I'm happy with my progress, I just have to remind myself of that every once in a while.  I'm not one of the "12 week body transformation" type winners this time.  Its okay to do what I can, because I AM DOING A LOT!!!

I really hope that I can get to a place in the next two months where I am happy to put on a swim suit, but that's not my be all, end all goal.  I want to make this a habit that I do even when I don't *feel* like it.

I want this to just be my routine.

I'm going to get better about posting my workouts.  I promise!!!  I'm increasing in strength, I'm adding new workouts, its awesome.  I FEEL like I should be seeing more of a change, but for now, I'm feeling good about the changes that I do see.

• I can lift more
• I don't feel so sore that I can't move for days anymore
• I am sleeping well at night... 
• My clothes are fitting better
• I don't feel all bloated and gross like I did most of the time before... 

its GOOD.  I'm making PROGRESS.

Now I just have to work on my emotional self!

Charting Moods & Meltdowns

**Language Warning... 

So I decided to pay really close attention to my moods for a while, to chart what I eat (and when) what supplements I take (and when) and note my mood/frame of mind every few hours. It has seemed like I've been on a HUGE rollercoaster lately, and since I have no way of testing ANYTHING without money and really without insurance, I only have my own observations to depend on.

I swear, JUST the act of writing down how I'm feeling and paying close attention to my moods seems to help them stabilize. Maybe it makes me feel less crazy?? I don't know.

I just made a little chart thing in google drive:

Anyway, it was something I decided to do after just a little introspective observation... that was made after THIS mood-related-honesty yesterday:

"Its like if PMS lasted 3 weeks instead of one (so far), and made you want to kill someone in their sleep (or maybe when they're awake so it will last longer) for moving the fucking pepper that you use every single morning on your eggs so you have to go hunting around the damn kitchen like a dumb ass ESPECIALLY when there are only two fucking eggs left so you can't have your 1 egg, 2 egg whites like you always do and you want to start throwing all of the nice plates and bowls onto the tile just to hear the crash but you won't because then you'd cry because you're too damned cheap and even garage sale dishes cost too damn much and besides, then you'd have to spend time cleaning all the broken shit up and speaking of which, can anyone ever clean up after themselves? I mean, REALLY.

That is a tiny snippet from inside my head for about 3 minutes of my morning, with most of the cussing left out.

And if you have an actual solution that I haven't tried, feel free to suggest it. Keep in mind that I'm already taking supplements as in fish oil, liquid B12, women's multi-vitamin, liquid D3... I eat healthy foods and I don't deprive myself (I'm not hungry or craving things), I exercise daily, I'm still (heavily) perioding regularly, so I don't even think its "menopause" shit yet, either. At least today it was anger instead of sobbing. I guess that's something different, at least?"