LOVE YOUR BODY NOW! Body Image Obsession, Control Issues and Childhood Abuse...

I've been feeling a lot of pressure lately.  A lot of pressure to 'accept my body' to 'stop obsessing about how I look' and to just 'enjoy the journey of getting healthy'.  Those phrases specifically were starting to really annoy me.  Mostly because I was TRYING to accept my body, and I started to feel like people were judging me for NOT loving myself enough RIGHT THE HELL NOW.

I had people telling me that I needed therapy, I had people getting ANGRY at me for not feeling sexy and JUST ACCEPTING IT RIGHT NOW.  I had one woman tell me in no uncertain terms that I needed to get help because having feelings like I had expressed was abnormal and WRONG... even after dozens of women had answered my original post saying, "I FEEL THIS WAY TOO!"

I saw comments on other peoples' pages expressing the same general idea, "If you don't fully love your body right now, there is something WRONG WITH YOU.  YOU ARE MENTAL, YOU NEED OUTSIDE HELP... THIS IS BAD, YOU ARE WRONG... YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS THIS WAY..." etc.

BULL SHIT.  I know that I am not the only one seeing these messages and feeling this way.  Shaming me and making me feel like some freak of nature is NOT HELPFUL.

Yeah, I see plenty of "love yourself" memes and pictures...

But often instead of seeing THIS:

I SEE THIS:

**I know consciously that is not the INTENTION behind these words/memes

I realized that I was becoming really FURIOUS, over the top angry with people for this.  I realized that I was overreacting, mostly (I thought) because I had been TRYING to overcome my shame about my body, my shame about being fat.  For the last two years, I scoured self help sites, looking for some way to accept the fact that my body had accumulated this extra fat.  Looking at myself in the mirror did not help.  I just felt worse.  Repeating mantras over and over about how much I loved and accepted myself weren't helping.

All of the "Don't let the MEDIA tell you how you should look!!!" doesn't fit for me, either.  Hell, my IDEAL body STILL wouldn't fit the media ideal anyway!

I had to leave some groups/unlike some 'encouraging pages' because they were starting to trigger this deep seated response in me that I couldn't figure out, and it was having an effect on my day to day life, depression, my ability to enjoy ANYTHING and especially my ability to keep on moving on a path that I know I believe in.

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Trigger Warning

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I finally, through a conversation with my very frustrated husband, dug down deep enough to try to explain that my "body image obsession" wasn't even all about my body.  It was about my WHOLE SELF.  It was about CONTROL when I'm feeling overwhelmed by life stresses.

First off, my whole body image obsession thing is just as much a coping mechanism as anything else. At times when life gets too stressful, that is the only thing that I have ever been able to actually control. Be it my growing up years, years of sexual abuse in my childhood, bullying in elementary school, being ostracized throughout middle and high school, or even just stressful adult years... the only thing I often have always felt like I was in control of is what I eat, what exercise I do, etc.  

When I first started asking my mom questions about my childhood (without telling her that I was asking because I was having memories of sexual abuse), she told me that when we lived in WI with [her boyfriend, one of my abusers], that she always found food stashed and hidden in my room... [her boyfriend] could come to my room at night and take control of me, but he couldn't force me to eat at meal times.

I don't remember why, but I know that there are certain foods that cause a deep seated reaction in me. Tomato soup, for instance.  One of my vivid memories as a young child is being at my aunt's house because she was watching me and making tomato soup.  I can't even stand the smell of tomato soup without wanting to vomit.  Ever.  I don't have any specific memories of abuse at her house, just an overwhelming feeling of... discomfort, grossness, yuck.

I remember food being a control issue for me all through middle school and high school as well.  My mom could worry, my step dad could yell, but they couldn't force me to eat.  Boys could pressure me, grope me, try to take advantage (or take advantage), but they couldn't control what *I* chose to eat, how I chose to treat my own body.

I had very few friends and was often at odds with them because I didn't play the power trip games well.  I might not have had any control over anything else in my life, but I could control what food I put in my body.  I could punish myself with food or lack of food, I could make myself forget the stress going on around me, in my home life, with the emotional abuse and just dark cloud that was always hanging around by focusing on food.  Controlling food.  Making myself starve, making myself exercise until I slept.

In ADDITION to all of the 'don't be fat' mantra that I told myself/heard all the time.  It was something my mom and aunts (on my mother's side) were always obsessed about.  In that family, the thin people were 'good', the overweight people were people to feel sorry for.

So the whole, food=control aka being thin/fit=good, wanted, etc... the fact that I have totally lost control over that (aka, I got *fat*) has been a HUGE source of stress for me for the last few years ON TOP OF the actual body image, just the fact that I've lost the ability to even control what my body is doing/looks like? That's a pretty deeply seated fucking deal. (Yes, I'm 42 years old and my childhood shit is rearing its head AGAIN. I know.)

So no, its not just about body image... its about the fact that it FEELS LIKE everything is crumbling around me all the fucking time and there isn't a damned thing I can do about it.  Even knowing that RATIONALLY, my life is okay and things will get better/be fine, all of the accumulated stresses (even just the financial shit) really sends me SUBCONSCIOUSLY into the whole lifetime routine of focusing all of my stress onto my body, my 'willpower', my self control... Its not as simple as "Just love your body right now"...  I need to figure out how to reset these deeply ingrained thought patterns in my head.  

And its just not as simple as "love your body the way it is right now"  I wish it was.  I DO think its possible to heal from this, to FIX this, but I need a different focus, a different message... and I WILL find it.

And that is enough rambling for today.  Sorry for the disorganized stream of thought rambling... I'm trying to figure things out.

NSV: Non Scale Victory: My Scale Doesn't Always Show my Progress... DEFINITELY TRUE!

NSV:  I've been feeling frustrated with my lack of visible progress, so I went and looked back through some of the first pages in my workout notebook... Wow.  I had forgotten some things.  My first week at the gym, I couldn't make it 8 minutes on the elliptical (and that was with a 5 minute WARM UP!) and was literally in tears, feeling like a failure.  I could only do squats with a 30lb dumbbell and split squats with NO weight nearly killed me.  I pulled my back out seriously within the first few days of my workout and was out for three and a half weeks...

And yet, I still went back.  I started again.  I have to admit, I wore a big baggy sweatshirt to the gym ALWAYS.  I couldn't look in the mirror and I left the gym those first few weeks feeling like I would never see a change.  I was in tears more often than not as I left.

BUT I KEPT GOING.  Six months later:
My 55lb bench press is now 110#for three sets of 10.
My deadlift of 40lbs is now 110 for 3 sets of 8
My ZERO weighted hip thrusts are now done with 70lbs
My lat pulldown of 70lbs is now 120 for 3 sets of 8
My cable rows went from 50 to 100lbs
My 1 arm DB row went from 20 to 40lbs

At many times in my life, those first few weeks would have made me give up.  I am so glad that I didn't let those set backs keep me from progressing.  I'm continually learning, I'm continually getting stronger and I feel really proud of my accomplishments.  I love getting strong and feeling better about myself.  If I can do it... anyone can.

And then I have to remind myself that I HAVE seen a LOT of physical changes.  I may have stalled currently on the weight loss, but I need to remember that for me, anyway, my weight loss always seems to do that.  I build and build and then suddenly *BOOM* there is a sudden drop in weight and body fat.  That's just how my body works.

Besides, there is something to be said for going from someone who was too ashamed to go out in public without sweats and a hoodie to cover herself up... to the woman rocking this dress:

I also want to note that without my workout partner (especially Marie), I wouldn't have been able to keep up with this.  It is SO great to have a workout partner and I encourage you to find someone to workout with, if you don't already have someone!

Progress is Progress: The Emotional Side of Eating, Appetite and Listening to Your Body

I'm kind of at a standstill with visible progress, but I am working hard on my emotional progress... and that is a far bigger and harder thing for me. So, in part because I'm trying to get over my self loathing issues, and in part because I AM getting over them... I'm going to take photos more often. Even if I have to do it before I've put a bra on or combed my hair. So there! 

I am learning to love myself. Regardless of the scales. I'm going to use photos instead.

And maybe some day these photos will inspire me to finally do something with these bathroom walls!  We removed most of the horrid metallic silver print paper and now I'm stuck with what to do!

I STILL can't see my biceps.  I can feel them, though, and I can ALMOST see my triceps.

My arms are actually looking thinner than I thought!  I am feeling good about myself today, because even though its perioding/PMS-y bloated time, I don't feel like I LOOK bloated.  That's progress, people!

I'm holding steady at 193-5 and just keeping on with the lifting, although I'm down to 2-3 times a week because being on my feet all freaking day at Ren Faire is wiping me OUT, but I'm still getting in there and lifting heavy. 

My food is good. I've taken off ALL restrictions with my eating and find that I am eating much better/healthier than I was before. I don't worry about it if I am really craving something, I've found that wheat doesn't bother me, and I eat for what I know I need energy for. Taking the five months off of grains helped me a lot. It helped me figure out what I wanted, what I needed and I learned to *listen* to my body.

Q. So, did taking out grains allow you to reset your hunger cues???

A.  It actually just KILLED my appetite completely for the last 5 months.  COMPLETELY.  I had to force myself to eat, which meant that I ONLY ate when I was REALLY hungry.  Not a great thing, but it did force me to actually pay attention.  I had hated my weight gain so much that I had pretty much dissociated with my body altogether.  I would seriously be near passing out before I realized I was hungry.  It was kind of extreme, but it forced me to wake up, so to speak and pay attention!  

THEN I started being kind to myself instead of beating myself up... and it all shifted. 

The weight lifting thing has been HUGE for me.  I always used to hate it and I'm not sure what changed, but I love it now.  I love the way I can watch the numbers go up so easily.  It is really really easy to track my progress and I LIKE that.  Its kind of bringing out my competitive side, but I'm just competing against myself!

Tornadoes and Devastating Loss in Oklahoma

We live in Oklahoma. Its been our home for most of the last 13 years. There are always tornado warnings and rarely is there massive destruction. Yesterday was horrific. Sitting, watching the news and checking radar, thinking that it was just another "oooh, the boogey man of tornadoes is coming" and not really worrying...

and then seeing the photos from Moore (two hours away from us) and then getting the updates on the schools and the children who didn't make it.

I just sat here thinking that could have been my kids. Its apparently easy for people to just say "Well why didn't they leave/not have school/go tot he basement?" but there really aren't many basements around here. The ground isn't suitable for basements in general, at least that was what we were told when we first moved here. There are SOME, but its rare... and from what I've seen, the kids who died were IN a basement. (I haven't been able to read too many details yet, I get completely overwhelmed just beginning to read/look)

Even so, when you've lived here for a while, you just get used to the "TORNADO" aka "THE SKY IS FALLING" and pretty soon it just becomes chatter that you just don't worry about very much... I wish there was a way to distinguish between the people running around freaking out "OMG TORNADO" and "No, seriously, a really big f*cking tornado is coming and you need to go away, you should specifically leave and head west on I44 Right.the.hell.NOW."

I woke up after countless nightmares of losing my children to this page up on the computer. I can't imagine the strength it takes to be one of those people who are doing the search and rescue. I can't imagine what it would be like to know that you're just going to recover those little children who didn't make it.

I'm not going to have much to say today about fitness or nutrition. Just appreciate what you have, love those around you and if there is any way to help anyone around you who needs it, do so.

Dealing with Hormonal, Weepy Preteen Children...

The MOOD MONSTER

And, btw, NONE of us are morning people around here!!  

I have to post about this, because its caught me by surprise with most of my children... even though they ALL did it at about the same time.  If you have older kids, you probably know what I'm talking about.  The hormonal weepies.  No, I'm not talking about typical 'pms' or whatever, I'm talking about the time before all of *that* happens.  For my kids, it starts around age 10-11.  They suddenly, out of nowhere start having these totally uncharacteristic melt-downs.  Not throwing a fit, but suddenly, intense, emotional upsets over nothing.  Over anything.  Over EVERYTHING.   After struggling for nearly a year with my oldest, I finally spilled my frustrations on a message board I frequented about my nearly 11 year old daughter's constant melt downs.  My normally happy go lucky child was in tears over things up to ten times a day!  I was losing my mind!  I was sure I had to be the worst mother in the world.  What happened to my child??   As soon as I posted my worries on the homeschool mom message board, another mom posted and recommended Michael's Pre-Teen girl vitamins.  She explained that hormonal swings start way earlier than the whole 'pms' routine.  I was skeptical.  Seriously?  My 10 year old was basically PMSing without a schedule?  What?   Nonetheless, I was at my wits end.  I bought the vitamins within a week.  My non-pill swallowing daughter crushed up the vitamins and took it with a spoon of applesauce every morning, while I waited with baited breath.  The mood swings let up.  Quickly.  Within a week or so, the moody, tearful child wasn't crying over everything.  She wasn't freaking out over little things anymore.  She was back to her 'normal' self.  I was stunned.  Yes, it was that simple.  Actually, by the time 'real' pms started, it was a relief, because at least them we were on a regular schedule! What about the boys?  They hit the same emotional tribulations... albeit a little later, and their emotional mood swings tended to show up more as anger than crying, but still, the vitamins came out and helps again. Why this wasn't just something automatic for me at this point, I don't know.  We went through it again with Paris when she hit age 11.  

 

This was a "yucky food" face rather than a mood, but I thought it was fitting:)

All of this to say that it caught me completely by surprise on Sunday when we got ready to film and Abyni just burst into tears.  Patrick and I were confused.  She had been practicing with me happily just 30 minutes earlier... so what was up?  She didn't know, and asking just made her cry harder.  We decided to just shut everything down and take a break.  Although it is very important to us to stick to a schedule, our schedule doesn't come before our kids.  As much as we needed to film right then, I needed to find out what was up.  Since we needed to get groceries sometime anyway, I told Abyni that she and I would take a girl break and have some mommy-daughter time and go shopping by ourselves.

We got in the car and she said, "I don't know what happened, mom.  I was just standing there and my body said, 'okay, time to cry now' and I just couldn't stop."

*lightbulb*  

Oh my word.  Seriously?  FIVE kids and I don't catch on automatically with ANY of them!??  I explained the whole hormonal concept to her, then told her that we would just take a break, buy some chocolate and have some girl time.  We went grocery shopping and bought a pill crusher and some applesauce in addition to the chocolate, and all was well.  

We came home and she crushed up a vitamin and took it... and I think that just knowing that she could do something about the moodiness helped her feel a lot more in control.  I mean, come on ladies, don't you ever just feel completely lost in your own hormonal mess sometimes?  I know I do.  I can't imagine how out of control and downright confusing it must be to be an eleven year old girl and have no idea what is happening!  It is hard enough as an adult when I KNOW what the culprit is. To finish off my little novel here, by the time the groceries were put away, Abyni was ready to film the rhyming game and we had a great evening.   Just remember that when your child seems completely upset and out of control, maybe they just need a little reassurance that what they're going through is normal.  Maybe they need vitamins, or just a little extra attention or maybe they just need more sleep.  Try to look past the tears, the tantrums and see what the underlying issue is.  It is much easier to deal with the cause than the symptoms!  Besides, its not as if WE never have those moody days (try not to laugh too hard!)