LOVE YOUR BODY NOW! Body Image Obsession, Control Issues and Childhood Abuse...

I've been feeling a lot of pressure lately.  A lot of pressure to 'accept my body' to 'stop obsessing about how I look' and to just 'enjoy the journey of getting healthy'.  Those phrases specifically were starting to really annoy me.  Mostly because I was TRYING to accept my body, and I started to feel like people were judging me for NOT loving myself enough RIGHT THE HELL NOW.

I had people telling me that I needed therapy, I had people getting ANGRY at me for not feeling sexy and JUST ACCEPTING IT RIGHT NOW.  I had one woman tell me in no uncertain terms that I needed to get help because having feelings like I had expressed was abnormal and WRONG... even after dozens of women had answered my original post saying, "I FEEL THIS WAY TOO!"

I saw comments on other peoples' pages expressing the same general idea, "If you don't fully love your body right now, there is something WRONG WITH YOU.  YOU ARE MENTAL, YOU NEED OUTSIDE HELP... THIS IS BAD, YOU ARE WRONG... YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS THIS WAY..." etc.

BULL SHIT.  I know that I am not the only one seeing these messages and feeling this way.  Shaming me and making me feel like some freak of nature is NOT HELPFUL.

Yeah, I see plenty of "love yourself" memes and pictures...

But often instead of seeing THIS:

I SEE THIS:

**I know consciously that is not the INTENTION behind these words/memes

I realized that I was becoming really FURIOUS, over the top angry with people for this.  I realized that I was overreacting, mostly (I thought) because I had been TRYING to overcome my shame about my body, my shame about being fat.  For the last two years, I scoured self help sites, looking for some way to accept the fact that my body had accumulated this extra fat.  Looking at myself in the mirror did not help.  I just felt worse.  Repeating mantras over and over about how much I loved and accepted myself weren't helping.

All of the "Don't let the MEDIA tell you how you should look!!!" doesn't fit for me, either.  Hell, my IDEAL body STILL wouldn't fit the media ideal anyway!

I had to leave some groups/unlike some 'encouraging pages' because they were starting to trigger this deep seated response in me that I couldn't figure out, and it was having an effect on my day to day life, depression, my ability to enjoy ANYTHING and especially my ability to keep on moving on a path that I know I believe in.

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Trigger Warning

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I finally, through a conversation with my very frustrated husband, dug down deep enough to try to explain that my "body image obsession" wasn't even all about my body.  It was about my WHOLE SELF.  It was about CONTROL when I'm feeling overwhelmed by life stresses.

First off, my whole body image obsession thing is just as much a coping mechanism as anything else. At times when life gets too stressful, that is the only thing that I have ever been able to actually control. Be it my growing up years, years of sexual abuse in my childhood, bullying in elementary school, being ostracized throughout middle and high school, or even just stressful adult years... the only thing I often have always felt like I was in control of is what I eat, what exercise I do, etc.  

When I first started asking my mom questions about my childhood (without telling her that I was asking because I was having memories of sexual abuse), she told me that when we lived in WI with [her boyfriend, one of my abusers], that she always found food stashed and hidden in my room... [her boyfriend] could come to my room at night and take control of me, but he couldn't force me to eat at meal times.

I don't remember why, but I know that there are certain foods that cause a deep seated reaction in me. Tomato soup, for instance.  One of my vivid memories as a young child is being at my aunt's house because she was watching me and making tomato soup.  I can't even stand the smell of tomato soup without wanting to vomit.  Ever.  I don't have any specific memories of abuse at her house, just an overwhelming feeling of... discomfort, grossness, yuck.

I remember food being a control issue for me all through middle school and high school as well.  My mom could worry, my step dad could yell, but they couldn't force me to eat.  Boys could pressure me, grope me, try to take advantage (or take advantage), but they couldn't control what *I* chose to eat, how I chose to treat my own body.

I had very few friends and was often at odds with them because I didn't play the power trip games well.  I might not have had any control over anything else in my life, but I could control what food I put in my body.  I could punish myself with food or lack of food, I could make myself forget the stress going on around me, in my home life, with the emotional abuse and just dark cloud that was always hanging around by focusing on food.  Controlling food.  Making myself starve, making myself exercise until I slept.

In ADDITION to all of the 'don't be fat' mantra that I told myself/heard all the time.  It was something my mom and aunts (on my mother's side) were always obsessed about.  In that family, the thin people were 'good', the overweight people were people to feel sorry for.

So the whole, food=control aka being thin/fit=good, wanted, etc... the fact that I have totally lost control over that (aka, I got *fat*) has been a HUGE source of stress for me for the last few years ON TOP OF the actual body image, just the fact that I've lost the ability to even control what my body is doing/looks like? That's a pretty deeply seated fucking deal. (Yes, I'm 42 years old and my childhood shit is rearing its head AGAIN. I know.)

So no, its not just about body image... its about the fact that it FEELS LIKE everything is crumbling around me all the fucking time and there isn't a damned thing I can do about it.  Even knowing that RATIONALLY, my life is okay and things will get better/be fine, all of the accumulated stresses (even just the financial shit) really sends me SUBCONSCIOUSLY into the whole lifetime routine of focusing all of my stress onto my body, my 'willpower', my self control... Its not as simple as "Just love your body right now"...  I need to figure out how to reset these deeply ingrained thought patterns in my head.  

And its just not as simple as "love your body the way it is right now"  I wish it was.  I DO think its possible to heal from this, to FIX this, but I need a different focus, a different message... and I WILL find it.

And that is enough rambling for today.  Sorry for the disorganized stream of thought rambling... I'm trying to figure things out.

WHOA: Eye Opening Conversation about my "Low Carb" Atkin's Diet Days (How NOT to raise kids with a bad self image!!!)

When my kids were younger, we used to live on the road.  We lived in a 40 ft bus and traveled the US for about three years.  I painted and etched on motorcycles at rallies for our income and we stopped and explored the country between those stops.  I remember it as being an amazing adventure.  The rest of the family does, too...

I am second in the back row, I'm even wearing a bikini.

Our home, sweet home.

Today I was talking to my 18 year old son about Krispy Kreme donuts (I don't know why it came up, we talk about everything) and I said, "Oh, I remember back when I did the Atkins low carb diet years ago.  I went with no grains, no sugar and ate pretty much only meat and vegetables for 2 years."

**Note, I have always remembered this as my "Skinny" time.  I thought I was just FABULOUSLY happy with my 'thin' self.  I wore a size 3-5, I thought I was doing amazing things and I only had another ten pounds or so to lose...and I would be 'happy' (of course).  People always told me how fabulous I looked for having five kids, etc.  I also didn't exercise at all.  Nada.  My back always hurt.  I couldn't sleep then, either, but I was THIN.**

And yet I still have hardly any photos...

My son looked at me and said, "Was that when we lived on the bus?"  (Remember, he was 6-8 at the time!!!  This was TEN YEARS AGO)  When I nodded, he said, "Oh my god.  I remember that.  You were SUCH an UNPLEASANT individual then!!!"

I was... shocked.  I couldn't believe that he not only remembered that time...

but remembered that I was that unpleasant because of my DIET.

He was 6-8 years old, and his memory of me for those years is that I was always in a bad mood and angry and unpleasant... because I "couldn't eat anything fun".

Wow.  That was eye opening.  So I looked thin, yeah.  I felt pleased with my appearance because I looked skinny and wore a small size.  But my kids remember me as just being unhappy.  

And in the end... I ended up getting a "treat" of Krispy Kreme donuts for my birthday after two years of "being good"... and I binged.  I ate most of the BOX of a dozen donuts.  Then I ate more.  As I told him, 

"I not only fell off the wagon, I think I ate the wagon, too, because when I came to, there was no wagon anywhere to be seen..."

In the years since then, I did find that I do best eating less grains, little wheat, and sticking with very little sugars.  The grains seem to make my digestion feel cranky if I eat them a lot and consistently.  Sugars tend to give me headaches and make me tired.  I have stopped labeling them as "good" or "bad" and I can have them in moderation now without beating myself up and without needing to eat everything in sight and surprise... they don't affect me negatively when I don't binge on them!

I do better with more protein and less carbs.  I still eat plenty of carbs, I just know that I need to pair it with protein if its in the form of refined carbs.  Instead of setting some strict diet dogma to follow, I am just paying attention to how food makes me FEEL.  I eat what makes me feel best (and I DO need carbs... and plenty of them if I want to have energy to workout!) and even at times eat things that don't make me feel the best, but I enjoy the food, enjoy the company and enjoy celebrations without 'rules' and without 'cheating'.  It has been life changing.

The most important thing, though, is that I'm developing a HEALTHY, SANE relationship with food.  And my body.  Is it always easy?  No.  But its worth it.  The changes might be slow, but they're coming. 

The best part?  My kids are seeing that I'm on a healthy path.  I'm much more stable emotionally.  I can participate in desserts and celebrations without inhaling everything in sight or without being near tears and cranky because I won't allow myself to "cheat".  They go to the gym with me, or join us for PiYo on the back deck.  They see that I'm taking care of myself to be healthy, instead of beating myself up trying to some form of "perfect looks"...

My son and I this summer... my beast of a workout partner 

(although at that time, I was benching as much as he was!)

I like to think that I'm having a much more positive impact on them... and on myself.

Results are awesome, yes, 

but the journey counts.

A lot.

Raising Children with a Healthy Self Esteem, Positive Body Image and Self Confidence

I have five very different children.  Five children, who, for the most part are very self assured, have very positive self images and healthy views of their bodies.

My two boys, 14 months apart, the one on the left had been to the gym maybe 10 times at the time of this photo.  The one in the right has been into sports his whole life and spent the last semester in weight lifting at school.  They are both proud of their own accomplishments, even though they are built so differently.  They were complimentary to each other, even though they are both highly competitive.  This was a BIG "win" in my book!

I've purposefully raised them from the get go to be individuals and to be proud of their OWN individuality.  We have always talked very openly about our bodies, body types as well as nutrition and exercise.  We've always been very open about body changes/puberty, periods, PMS and hormones.  We talk about sexuality and attractiveness.

I find it ironic that in my most recent journey towards both physical AND mental fitness... that I've started realizing that all of the things I've told my kids from the very beginning are true for me, too.  (I know, it shouldn't be rocket science, but I had a lot more baggage to get over than they did).  I am not different than them, I don't need to starve myself or 'wait until I'm lean and fit' before I'm worthy of acceptance.

If I wouldn't talk down to my children the way that I talk down to myself... why do I think its okay to talk to myself that way???

Things I've told my children that I need to learn.

• We all have different body types.  None of them are better than any others, it just means that you might have to do different things to stay lean than someone else, if that's what you want.  You might have more curves, bigger boobs, no boobs, a bigger butt or wider shoulders... you might gain muscle really easily, you might gain fat easily, too.  You have to work with what you've got.

• Eat when you're hungry.  Eat food that makes you feel good.  

• When you eat something that makes you feel crappy/gives you a head ache/makes you tired... either eat that less, or find other things to eat with it that help your body deal with it better (ie: in my case, eating protein with sugar helps me not have that sugar crash later)

• It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you.  At all.  

I didn't really know if any of these words were "sticking" as they grew up... until my middle daughter decided at 13 to make a youtube channel.  I pictured all of the nasty comments I'd seen on kids channels before.  I knew that she was coming to a time where her skin would probably break out, that she might gain some 'chubbiness' as her body and hormones leveled out.  *I* don't care about those things... she didn't appear to... but I knew that someone online wouldn't hesitate to bring it up.

Her first... non complimentary comment was pretty mild.  After a long, somewhat rambling video, someone posted "Zzzzz....Z.zzzz.... Zzzzz..."

Her reply?  "Hey, I think your phone is buzzing, you should go answer it."

I laughed and realized that she simply wasn't as sensitive as I was, because she is confident in WHO she is :)

Then she did a video review of some makeup... and her skin had broken out (just a little), but she didn't seem to care.

Then this happened:

Now I know it wasn't horribly mean, but I know that for me as a teen... that would have had me piling on the makeup (I was very insecure about my looks... always).

I wondered after that, if she would start being more paranoid about it... but, nope.  She honestly didn't care and has continued to show herself as confident, self assured and happy with herself.

Since then, we've had two girls with completely different body types hitting puberty, filling out and changing... I thought that might cause some problems, and there have been some spats, but they're very minor.

One of them was, (My youngest daughter, 12), "Mom, when we were at our friends house, *P* told them that I had boobs!!!"  (she is JUST starting to develop, but earlier than her sisters did)

I just said, "Well, you ARE getting boobs, aren't you?"

"Um, yeah."

I said, "Well then, I imagine that your friends and their mom all know what boobs are, right?"  She nodded.  "Then I suppose they can SEE that you're getting boobs, so its really no big secret, right?"

"No, I guess not."

"Are you sorry that you're getting boobs?"

She almost seemed offended, "Well NO!"

"Then what is the problem?  If you have boobs, some people are going to notice.  Maybe your sister is just getting panicked because she thinks you'll get bigger boobs than her, maybe she's just so surprised, she wanted to point it out.  Maybe she was just being bitchy and trying to get a reaction, but honestly, it doesn't need to be a big deal.  I don't think she meant it to be hurtful, I think she's just surprised by the whole thing."

She seemed completely reassured and everything was fine (and to be clear, if my daughter is being bitchy, I have no problem admitting that, to her or anyone else, we all have our days, especially the passionate people in this house!).  I took a volatile situation and made it NORMAL and OKAY.  Its okay to change, its okay to feel strange and need to talk about it, but it is not necessary to let other peoples' words, observations or opinions change out own perspective.

I don't know.  Maybe I'm just talking out of my ass here, and no one wants to hear what I have to say.  I do have a LOT to say on raising children, though... I'm just not sure if I should say it :)  Parenting is such an individual thing.  Hell, I'm a different parent to each of my children within my own house.  If there is one thing I've learned, all children are different and you can't just treat them all the same and expect the same results!

Any specific topics you'd like me to cover (especially when it comes to self image, body consciousness and instilling confidence in our children)?

Epiphanies whilst Eating the Food and Finding Myself

This is kind of a rambling post, just raw feelings as I have some realizations about myself on this journey.

Learning to love myself is much harder than I thought it would be.

I realized last night that I'm subconsciously twisting things to fit my own self doubt.  Subconsciously setting myself up for failure and self loathing.  Feeding my insecurities.

There are games that I play that he can't possibly win... because I play them to keep my own insecurities at the forefront because I don't think I deserve to feel good about myself.  I don't deserve to be loved.

I want him to chase me.  I want him to want me.  Yet I feel so insecure about myself that I can't bear to be touched if there is any chance that he's going to be repelled by my weight.  I don't believe him when he says he wants me.  He can't win.

Somewhere deep inside me, I feel unloveable.  Undeserving of love and affection.  I don't know how to reach this part and bring it out.  I attribute it to the weight I've gained, but I know its deeper than that.  Its not like I felt deserving of love when I was thinner.  I always think, 'I can't control what is going on inside of my thoughts/feelings but I can control the weight, even if I can't seem to fix what's inside.  

This has been my lifelong battle with my weight.  I'm trying to control the one thing that feels like it is within my ability to control when everything else seems out of my hands.

I go to bed alone, lonely, aching for his touch.  He comes to bed and curls up around me, his hands caressing me and I tell myself that its only because I made a big deal about him not being attracted to me anymore.  He can't win.

He will admit that although he is still attracted to me, he was more attracted to me when I was leaner.  I can't even be angry, because I feel the same way about myself.  How can he possibly be *as* attracted to me now, 70 pounds heavier?  Why do I have to hear that as a black and white "I don't want you until you lose the weight", when that isn't at all what he said?

I asked him to tell me the things that he finds sexy or attractive about me, so that I would feel sexier.  He commented that my ass is looking pretty fine.  It wasn't a surprise, or maybe it was, but it broke my heart a little bit that that was the only positive thing he could think to say about my looks.

I don't know how to "eat the food" and be okay with continuing to stall or gain weight, but I LOVE not being a slave to food anymore. I KNOW this is the right thing to do.  I thoroughly believe that I need to eat enough, and that taking restrictions off has absolutely helped me with my disordered eating habits.

I don't know how to quit drinking when I feel so devastated and undeserving of happiness.  I know that if I quit drinking every night that I would be able to lose the weight faster.  I just need to get my head in the right place.  I was sober for almost 4 months at the beginning of this year.  I can do it again.

Maybe if I stay sober long enough, I can force myself to deal with these feelings that I keep bottled up and get them out.  Get the voices out of my head that tell me I don't deserve to be happy, that I don't deserve to be loved. 

I will continue to meditate on it, and try to change those voices... it feels good to just get it out of my head right now.

I deserve to be loved.  

I am beautiful.

My body is... (Maybe I'm not quite there yet.)

My body is strong.

I want this to be the last time that I struggle with food.  I want to get healthy and lose weight in a healthy way so that I can maintain it.  I want to get past the inner struggles and heal myself from the inside out.  I deserve to be loved, and my husband deserves to have a wife who can accept his love and love him back.  I will get there.  I am not giving up, because as much as I am hurting right this minute, I feel like I am finally on a sane path to healing my self image and learning to love myself.

And when my husband asked me how I was feeling today, I wrote, "Odd space.  Depressed.  Feeling unloveable, unattractive and lonely."

His reply, "You are a beautiful, funny, intelligent, attractive and witty person who I love with all my heart."  If only I could have a loop of HIS thoughts about me playing in my head all day!

I know this was a sad post, but it was pretty raw and honest and I hope that by acknowledging my feelings on this, that I can get them out of my head and maybe start some healing conversations that will help others along with myself.

NSV: Non Scale Victory: My Scale Doesn't Always Show my Progress... DEFINITELY TRUE!

NSV:  I've been feeling frustrated with my lack of visible progress, so I went and looked back through some of the first pages in my workout notebook... Wow.  I had forgotten some things.  My first week at the gym, I couldn't make it 8 minutes on the elliptical (and that was with a 5 minute WARM UP!) and was literally in tears, feeling like a failure.  I could only do squats with a 30lb dumbbell and split squats with NO weight nearly killed me.  I pulled my back out seriously within the first few days of my workout and was out for three and a half weeks...

And yet, I still went back.  I started again.  I have to admit, I wore a big baggy sweatshirt to the gym ALWAYS.  I couldn't look in the mirror and I left the gym those first few weeks feeling like I would never see a change.  I was in tears more often than not as I left.

BUT I KEPT GOING.  Six months later:
My 55lb bench press is now 110#for three sets of 10.
My deadlift of 40lbs is now 110 for 3 sets of 8
My ZERO weighted hip thrusts are now done with 70lbs
My lat pulldown of 70lbs is now 120 for 3 sets of 8
My cable rows went from 50 to 100lbs
My 1 arm DB row went from 20 to 40lbs

At many times in my life, those first few weeks would have made me give up.  I am so glad that I didn't let those set backs keep me from progressing.  I'm continually learning, I'm continually getting stronger and I feel really proud of my accomplishments.  I love getting strong and feeling better about myself.  If I can do it... anyone can.

And then I have to remind myself that I HAVE seen a LOT of physical changes.  I may have stalled currently on the weight loss, but I need to remember that for me, anyway, my weight loss always seems to do that.  I build and build and then suddenly *BOOM* there is a sudden drop in weight and body fat.  That's just how my body works.

Besides, there is something to be said for going from someone who was too ashamed to go out in public without sweats and a hoodie to cover herself up... to the woman rocking this dress:

I also want to note that without my workout partner (especially Marie), I wouldn't have been able to keep up with this.  It is SO great to have a workout partner and I encourage you to find someone to workout with, if you don't already have someone!

Setting Daily Goals for Positive Visualization to change my Body, my Self Image and My Life.

Today is my birthday.  I am 42 years old.  I have spent almost 4 decades being horrible to myself, refusing to love myself outside of some 'perfect' nearly unattainable physical goal.

I am done with that.  

Singing "Baby Got Back" with two of my kids at my birthday party and just enjoying my friends and my party.  PMSing, bloated... and yet I was able to just let go and have FUN and make a REALLY memorable night for myself, my friends and my family.  Any other year, I would have stayed home by myself and been miserable because I was allowing my self loathing to dictate that I didn't "deserve" to have fun and be around people unless I was at my "goal weight" and looked "good enough."  Fuck that noise!!!  No more!!!

Does that mean I'm giving up on my health, getting fitter, more muscular and leaner?

Absofuckinglutely NOT.

It means I am through waiting for "the perfect body" before I'll love myself.  I am never going to change my body by hating it, beating it up and always looking at myself as fat, unattractive and worthless.  From now on I am going to retrain my thoughts to think positively about myself.  I am going to feel beautiful and just get sexier every day. 

Goals:

• Workout (Free download: Beautiful Badass by Nia Shanks) three days a week.  Lift HEAVY.  Get STRONG.
• Use visualization during workouts.  Be focused and purposeful.
• Meditation for at least 15 minutes a day.  (3 times a day for 5 minutes each, probably, as I'm not very good at sitting still).
• Keep the house clean (this helps my stress level immensely if I don't have to walk around looking at mess)
• Blog 3 days a week: Day One:  Creative Visualization Exercises/Challenges, Day Two:   Fitness/Progress Pics/Workouts, etc., Day Three:  Non Scale Victories/Personal realizations

Share your goals with me!  What would you like to accomplish on a daily/weekly basis?

Creative Visualization in Practice: My First Time using Shakti Gawain's techniques

As I posted yesterday, I read the book "Creative Visualization" after a few months of really feeling that the positive thinking area is where I needed to focus my attention to make serious changes in my life.  Today I did my first guided meditation, using the methods of meditating in that book.  It was a lot mroe intense than I expected.

STRANGE.  

Or it was the subliminal 'stress relief' audio.

At first it was really easy, relaxing.  I did the grounding exercise and found it really easy to visualize the roots going into the ground, but I couldn't visualize the connect through the head/universe thing.  

I finally just left that and started on the energy points.  That felt easy.  Just hitting each energy point and feeling it come 'on' down, then up, then back down from head, throat, chest, midsection, pelvis & feet and then up again.  That felt so easy and 'right' that I used that whenever I found myself being distracted.

I started out with some of the affirmations, 

Infinite riches are now flowing into my life

Everything is coming to me easily and effortlessly

I have a firm, sexy body

As money/financial stress is the biggest stress in my life right now, and I believe it has had a huge impact on my weight gain (constant stress fatigues the adrenals) that is my MAIN focus.  I need that stress gone so that I can get healthy.

Then I started visualizing having $2,000.00.  Extra, unexpected money.  I counted it in my hands, showed it to the kids, posted about it on livejournal and on my blog.  I then tried laying it out on the table and kept feeling blocked, so I went back tot he energy points for a while, then came back and laid the money out on the couch and counted it.  I used half of it to pay back part of a loan and half to pay bills and felt SO MUCH RELIEF.

I then watched my husband as he went about his day and saw him finding money in random, unexpected places. On the ground at the gas station where he stops to get gas, on a sidewalk, on the floor of the mail truck, odd places. Once it even floated onto his windshield as you were delivering mail.  Some loose change, some dollar bills, a roll of money that had a twenty and a ten dollar bill in it.

Then I remembered about finding the 'safe place' or whatever it was called.  I found myself sitting on the beach watching the kids play in the ocean with you sitting beside me.  I felt deeply content and at peace.

Then I remembered that I had wanted to have my secret place be a secluded waterfall :) so I started to go there instead, but then suddenly (this is really really weird) my husband and I were in a basket type thing (like in a hot air balloon, but on a zip line instead) high in some tropical mountains and I FREAKED OUT in the basket.  SO much so that my first thought was to jump out because surely death was preferable to feeling that much fear and anxiety.

That was SO strange to me that I decided at that point to not have a secret place right now and I went back to the energy points again.  I did that over and over until I felt calm and then went back to seeing you at work.  I ran my hand over your shoulder and visualized heat and healing to your shoulder ...

Holy god this sounds so freaking weird... seriously.  This is WEIRD to write, but its what my brain did, so I want to write it down.)  Never having done this in a purposeful way before, I just let my mind go where it wanted for the most part as I tried some of the exercises that I remembered from the "Creative Visualization" book.

Anyway, I visualized running my hands over my husband's head, down the back of his head and over his shoulder.  I did that over and over for a while and it felt so real that I started to wonder if he was feeling it. :)  I can't tell you how much I want him to be pain free (he has an old shoulder injury that has nearly disabled him).  I spent a bit of time there, trying things that seemed helpful.

Body Imagery

Then I visualized myself, starting at my feet and working my way up, then stalled so I started at the top of my head.  I visualized my skin smoothing (almost like photo editing:), extra fat melting away, spots melting away, muscle definition showing up.  I started from the top and worked my way down and then back up the backside.  This seemed to take a while and felt really difficult at times, but once I refocused, I was able to finish the whole process.

And now my mind just blanked.  I don't know what else happened.  At some point soon thereafter I just started feeling anxiety and stress, so I just brought myself out of that state and got up.

The cat was meowing, so I let her out and felt incredible amounts of stress so I locked the door.  It felt very weird, so I came back to our room to write this out before I forgot.  I turned off the subliminal stress relief and typed this up.  

That's where I am.  I feel excited to see the effects of this process.

--

NOT Eating the Food and Emotional Melt Downs.

Yesterday turned into an emotional melt down. Quite likely because I didn't eat much and when I did, I was desperate, in a hurry and eating food from a convenience store that I KNOW tends to make me feel crappy. 

I had a couple of things that I needed to do that turned into what felt like a million things to do and I was just rushing all over the place. I kept forgetting to take my water with me, so I was dehydrated. 

By the end of the day, I was an emotional wreck. I was exhausted, I felt like my body was disgusting and I just wanted to cry.

I tried looking at progress photos to remind myself that I AM getting there, I AM making progress, but last night, all I saw was fat and disgusting and I just wanted to beat myself up more.

Today I can look at these photos and see that yeah, I'm not where I want to be at the end, but I AM making progress.  I am growing muscles and I'm IMPROVING every week!

I REALLY think most of my emotional meltdown was about the food I ate. I didn't have hardly any money, so I ended up eating a snickers bar and 2 corn dogs. I think I might have had a shake at home, and I had a bit of protein when I first woke up... and that was it. I didn't eat hardly anything. I also didn't make it to the gym because I was literally running errands/shuttling people around all day.

Today is a new day. I had bacon and eggs for breakfast and today has already 'felt' better 

Fuel your body in ways that make it feel GOOD, in ways that make you feel good and give you the energy to move to make yourself feel even better!

Have a fabulous day!!! I'm going to! I'm going to feel great about myself, I'm going to use this body to clean my house and prepare for a big birthday bash this weekend for my husband and I (we're 6 days apart) So HAVE A FABULOUS DAY and LOVE YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT and because I said so!

Mwah!!! (I'm feeling a little sassy today:)

Just Because I've Decided to Love Myself NOW, DOES NOT Mean That I'm Giving Up.

I think that although I haven't 'given up' on an aesthetic ideal by any means, I HAVE decided to focus more on my mental/emotional side AND getting stronger/building muscle FIRST. I want to give myself time to heal from my disordered thinking and self loathing that I've suffered with for most of my life. I deserve better. I've made it my goal to lift heavy 4 times a week or more for six months solid, and THEN worry about aesthetics again if I want/need to. The muscle will help a LOT with fat loss, and having the time to learn to love myself will help me feel better in every way.

I used to always think that if I could just get thin enough FIRST, THEN I could learn to love myself. Too many failed attempts (and even getting lean!) didn't help me love myself. I think I had it backwards and I have nothing to lose by loving myself first.

So here is my priority: Stronger, Healthier, Learn to Love myself. Revisit in a few months to see where I am.

I'm tired of the habit I've had of always thinking that "I will love myself when I lose x amount of pounds".  No.  I deserve to love myself NOW.  I wouldn't want my children to think that way, and I don't deserve to feel that way any longer either.  Neither do you.

My Five Months lifting and "Eating the Food" 'progress'

My lifting and "Eating the Food" 'progress' thus far.

Here we go... *gulp* I started lifting in mid-to late January. I had to take it easy for the first month as I was coming off of a back injury, but I started lifting 3-5 days a week. Soon I was lifting 5-6 days a week with 1 hour workouts and I really really LOVE lifting. No cardio.
During April I started "Eating the Food" (not that I was really purposefully restricting anything other than grains before that, but I DEFINITELY wasn't eating enough because I just didn't know!)

In May I added some little bursts of HIIT cardio during my lifting, but took the workouts down to 2 days a week because I was on my feet all weekends for Ren Faire.  So while there isn't a LOT of progress from the second to third row, the fact that there wasn't much decline when I took over a month off from 5-6 day a week workouts AND upped my calories quite a bit... I think that says a lot.  

First row (Jan) I was 210 pounds, 41% bf and MISERABLE. My own body issues, but I was VERY uncomfortable in my skin. 

Second Row, I was working our 5-6 days a week and losing, 195 lbs and 35.7% bf

Third row: Today, ETF (ZERO restrictions), lifting 2 days a week, 198 lbs and 36.7% bf. 


Moving forward: Going back to 5 days a week lifting heavy things, because I MISS IT. Probably not much HIIT because I hate cardio, trying to eat more veggies, but otherwise ETF. I'm curious to see what happens. It feels like I didn't "lose" much progress wise on my month "off" and I lost very little strength on my lifting, so I'm happy. I'm on board with trying to do what makes me feel good, LISTENING to my body... all around, be it activity, exercise, food, everything.

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The BIGGEST change? I have no problem strutting my stuff in the little mini dress, even though TECHNICALLY I'm only like 12 pounds less than in the first pic when I would NOT leave my house without a big jacket/hoodie on, even IN the gym, even when it was literally 115 degrees outside! My WHOLE attitude has changed.

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I just realized that I will turn 42 next month!  I am feeling so great physically (other than injuring myself so easily!!!)... I love where I'm at in my head, with my self esteem and body image.  I hope everyone can learn to love themselves if they haven't yet... it is an incredible feeling!

Positive Thinking is changing the way I live my life

A few years ago, I watched this interview with Will Smith.  I really like him as an actor, and a lot of what he says resounds with the way I've always felt.  A lot of what he had to say in this interview really stood out to me.  I watched it a few times over the years, but could never really lift myself far enough out of my depression to really grasp the whole *positive thinking* thing enough to dig myself out of my whole world of negativity.

The separation between talent and skill... talent you're born with, skill is built with hours and hours and hours of work.

"I want the world to be better because I was here... if you're not making someone else's life better, then you're wasting your time"

"I want to represent possibilities... you really can make what you want."

"I believe that I can create whatever I want."

"The first step, before anyone else has to believe it is that YOU have to believe it."

And my FAVORITE:

"Being realistic is the most commonly traveled road to mediocrity"

Anyway, I then started seeing things like "Bliss Boards" and "Dream Boards" and read about making yourself a visual reminder of what your goals are.  I decided to apply it to all areas of my life.  Well, MOST of them.  I don't have THAT much space!

This is what I've come up with:

And its working!!!  We're suddenly on the road to financial freedom in a way that has totally taken us by surprise, things are falling into place like we never imagined!  Soon my husband will be able to give up the job that he is miserable in and we'll be able to not only get by, but flourish.

One of the things I wanted to do before my oldest boys were up and out of the house (they turn 17 & 18 this year and both graduate next year) was to get a swimming pool for the yard to give all the kids a reason to stick around more (yeah, so sue me, I'm becoming one of *those* moms who doesn't want her kids to leave!)  Anyway, my husband found us a 30 foot pool for $600.00!!!  Now we just have to put it up (stay tuned for pictures of THAT workout! :)

• The money is coming in and soon we'll be able to help people when they need it!

• I'm going to have more sexiness with my husband (thus all those sexy couple pics.  I may even eventually add our own pics:)

• We'll be able to take our kids on a *real* vacation!

• We'll be able to pay our bills before they're due and without juggling to keep things turned on!

• Instead of visiting a food bank because we need food, we'll be visiting to give THEM food!

• (The Dodgeball reference)  We'll be the winners that came out from the bottom, the ones that no one expected to ever win!

• I'm getting stronger and leaner all the time and lifting all the things!

• And a little bitty thing... I am going back to my white hair and cut (and probably some bright colors again!)

One of the best parts is that my husband's new business (buying 'broken' cars for cheap, fixing them himself and reselling them) is bringing him and that boys closer.  They're actually working together and doing things together for the first time, really.  Just the guys!  (We have all always hung out as a family, but as far as just 'dad' time, its been more scarce!

AND... One of MY dreams is coming true... I'm studying to get my personal training certification, as well as getting some different group fitness certifications and its EXCITING to be able to get back into fitness as a paid job again!  

What is on YOUR Dream Board?

Progress is Progress: The Emotional Side of Eating, Appetite and Listening to Your Body

I'm kind of at a standstill with visible progress, but I am working hard on my emotional progress... and that is a far bigger and harder thing for me. So, in part because I'm trying to get over my self loathing issues, and in part because I AM getting over them... I'm going to take photos more often. Even if I have to do it before I've put a bra on or combed my hair. So there! 

I am learning to love myself. Regardless of the scales. I'm going to use photos instead.

And maybe some day these photos will inspire me to finally do something with these bathroom walls!  We removed most of the horrid metallic silver print paper and now I'm stuck with what to do!

I STILL can't see my biceps.  I can feel them, though, and I can ALMOST see my triceps.

My arms are actually looking thinner than I thought!  I am feeling good about myself today, because even though its perioding/PMS-y bloated time, I don't feel like I LOOK bloated.  That's progress, people!

I'm holding steady at 193-5 and just keeping on with the lifting, although I'm down to 2-3 times a week because being on my feet all freaking day at Ren Faire is wiping me OUT, but I'm still getting in there and lifting heavy. 

My food is good. I've taken off ALL restrictions with my eating and find that I am eating much better/healthier than I was before. I don't worry about it if I am really craving something, I've found that wheat doesn't bother me, and I eat for what I know I need energy for. Taking the five months off of grains helped me a lot. It helped me figure out what I wanted, what I needed and I learned to *listen* to my body.

Q. So, did taking out grains allow you to reset your hunger cues???

A.  It actually just KILLED my appetite completely for the last 5 months.  COMPLETELY.  I had to force myself to eat, which meant that I ONLY ate when I was REALLY hungry.  Not a great thing, but it did force me to actually pay attention.  I had hated my weight gain so much that I had pretty much dissociated with my body altogether.  I would seriously be near passing out before I realized I was hungry.  It was kind of extreme, but it forced me to wake up, so to speak and pay attention!  

THEN I started being kind to myself instead of beating myself up... and it all shifted. 

The weight lifting thing has been HUGE for me.  I always used to hate it and I'm not sure what changed, but I love it now.  I love the way I can watch the numbers go up so easily.  It is really really easy to track my progress and I LIKE that.  Its kind of bringing out my competitive side, but I'm just competing against myself!

Listen To Your Body. One of Many Light Bulb Moments as I Learn to Live, Eat and Move (and Lift Heavy Things! :)

EPIPHANY TIME: I do not know it all. *gasp*

As you may know, I've been sick this week. I laid in bed almost SOLID (couldn't even sit up without feeling like I would pass out/my head would explode) for two whole days and nights. I didn't feel hungry at ALL and only ate a cup or two of my Greek yogurt each day around mid-afternoon, when I remembered that food existed, and most of the time I slept. Towards the end of day two, I started craving oranges. 

ORANGES??? What? My FIRST ingrained reaction? I told myself I didn't need that many carbs/sugars/whatever because all I had been laying around doing nothing.

Then I realized that I was still in the habit of gut reaction thinking that food was a "treat" or something that I earned. Instead, I listened to my body and asked my husband to get me some oranges... then added in a little bit of a panic, "OR just some Vitamin C!" (Yeah, I'm still not quite there!) 

He replied with, "Oranges, they're better for you."  He knows allll about my brain and my issues with food, so he brought me oranges. Over the next couple of hours, I ate three. THREE. And it was okay, and that was a big deal (yeah, I've struggled for decades with disordered thinking when it comes to food and my body image!).  I savored each one and it was like I'd never even tasted an orange before.  I could almost hear my body saying, "THERE'S what I'm talking about!" :)

Then, when my 15 yo daughter came to me and said, "I'm not feeling well (my same symptoms), I know I HAVE TO eat, but I'm not hungry. What should I eat?" 

I was able to say... "Listen to your body. If you're not hungry, don't eat. Your body knows what it wants. Just rest when you feel tired, and when you're hungry, we'll get you something to eat. Keep water by your bed, keep at least sipping on it and let me know if you need anything." 

I slept through the night and woke up feeling at least half way normal. Yesterday I ate yogurt again, an apple and almond butter, a little bit of steak AND had another orange.  My appetite was back at least a little bit!

And my daughter woke up craving... Oranges. :)

Silly emotions and preconceived notions. Our bodies know what they need. Start listening. Stop blocking that voice because of what you're heard/read or because of what you think you know!