PMS, Eating the Food and Learning that its OKAY to Let Yourself Cry.

*Ladies TMI* I need to remember that my emotional state is severely affected by hormones towards the END of my period rather than right before like 'back in the day'.  I started noticing this shift a few years ago (I'm 42) and its only gotten more severe lately.

My period starts and forgetting that I JUST went through this a month ago, I think, "Wow!!!  My period started and I didn't have any emotional meltdowns!!!"

Then by the middle of the period, I feel super fat and bloated and it hits me HARD emotionally.  I struggle and flounder for a few days of arguing with myself, "No, I am NOT going to feel bad about myself damn it!" "YES I AM.  I FEEL FATTTTTT"

Then it peaks about the last day of my period and I keep bursting into tears over nothing and everything and my mind bounces around trying to find something happy/peaceful to land on and I just cry instead.

Yesterday was my super emotional day.  Which also fell on my birthday.  Which also fell during a visit from my brother and dad (Severely dysfunction family and childhood issues abound) that left me feeling... *dark* for lack of a better word.

I was feeling bad ABOUT feeling bad and starting to really cycle down into the self abuse cycle when some friends reminded me that it is perfectly OKAY to feel sad and just cry.  IT IS NORMAL TO FEEL SAD SOMETIMES.

So I did.  I just let myself feel sad.  And then I had some birthday drinks and I slept like a rock.  I woke up this morning feeling like I had literally lost ten pounds over night.  The period bloating is gone, my emotional surge feels done and I didn't *fix* it by trying to stuff everything down!  I feel like this is progress!!!

OH!  One other thing, I was craving chocolate like MAD all weekend and through yesterday.  Even though I no longer keep foods on a restricted list and could have had it at any time, I just had probably 4 chocolate zucchini muffins and one small cup of ice cream over the entire FIVE DAYS of perioding!!!  Not restricting is helping me so much.  Usually I would have used the hormones/pms as a 'screw this! I'm eating it because I feel horrible and I *deserve* it.'  This time, since I knew I could just have it whenever I wanted, I just kept thinking, "eh, I'll just get something later".  I took the *Treat* factor out of it for myself.  I LOVE THIS.

Tonight is workout #3 from "The Beautiful Badass Workout" by Nia Shanks

Hormones. Menopause. Moods...

Here's a little reality break:  I've been watching "That 70's Show" in the evenings before bed (Insomnia is a bitch, I tell ya).  Mainly because its light fare and I don't have to worry about it being so engrossing that I can't get to sleep.  I half watch, half play solitaire until I can't stay awake/think anymore.

HOWEVER, the menopause story line with Kitty is really hard to find funny, although I suppose its probably funny to watch me watching it because I'm about to kick someone's ass.  Red going, "Come on, Kitty, its time for a nap" when she's having a meltdown is making me want to punch my fist through the laptop.

I don't know.  Perhaps I may be dealing with some hormonal issues myself.

I find myself alternating between, OMG, this is so funny how much I'm overreacting to this  to *sob* THIS ISN'T FUNNY, DAMN IT!!!  Asshole men and their lack of having to deal with all this emotional and hormonal bullshit I WISH I WAS A LESBIAN!!!  Except then I'd have to deal with a hysterical woman at the same time that I* am a hysterical woman and ITS NOT FAIR.  OMG, I must be hormonal.  Why am I CRYING over this?  Its just a stupid show and RED!  STOP TREATING YOUR SON LIKE SHIT.  YOU'RE THE DUMBASS!!!  MEN ARE SO STUPID.  My husband is so patient.  Holy shit.  How does he put up with me... OMG, Kitty, I totally understand!  A remote is supposed to WORK!  That's all it DOES!  Then I cheer none too quietly as she throws the 'clicker' on the floor and stomps on it.  I'm really surprised that the show isn't making me want to drink.

And to think, I was thinking of watching this show WITH my kids.  Maybe not so much.  http://youtu.be/U3of9VoChY8

Charting Moods & Meltdowns

**Language Warning... 

So I decided to pay really close attention to my moods for a while, to chart what I eat (and when) what supplements I take (and when) and note my mood/frame of mind every few hours. It has seemed like I've been on a HUGE rollercoaster lately, and since I have no way of testing ANYTHING without money and really without insurance, I only have my own observations to depend on.

I swear, JUST the act of writing down how I'm feeling and paying close attention to my moods seems to help them stabilize. Maybe it makes me feel less crazy?? I don't know.

I just made a little chart thing in google drive:

Anyway, it was something I decided to do after just a little introspective observation... that was made after THIS mood-related-honesty yesterday:

"Its like if PMS lasted 3 weeks instead of one (so far), and made you want to kill someone in their sleep (or maybe when they're awake so it will last longer) for moving the fucking pepper that you use every single morning on your eggs so you have to go hunting around the damn kitchen like a dumb ass ESPECIALLY when there are only two fucking eggs left so you can't have your 1 egg, 2 egg whites like you always do and you want to start throwing all of the nice plates and bowls onto the tile just to hear the crash but you won't because then you'd cry because you're too damned cheap and even garage sale dishes cost too damn much and besides, then you'd have to spend time cleaning all the broken shit up and speaking of which, can anyone ever clean up after themselves? I mean, REALLY.

That is a tiny snippet from inside my head for about 3 minutes of my morning, with most of the cussing left out.

And if you have an actual solution that I haven't tried, feel free to suggest it. Keep in mind that I'm already taking supplements as in fish oil, liquid B12, women's multi-vitamin, liquid D3... I eat healthy foods and I don't deprive myself (I'm not hungry or craving things), I exercise daily, I'm still (heavily) perioding regularly, so I don't even think its "menopause" shit yet, either. At least today it was anger instead of sobbing. I guess that's something different, at least?"

The Mood Monster, The Diet Bet & Progress!!!

The Mood Monster

Oh my WORD, you guys, I don't know what is UP.  About a week ago, I started feeling really emotional.  I was really stressed out about finances (what's new), and things were getting tighter and tighter, but my moods seemed to be extreme, even for all of that.

Then my beautiful, blissful SLEEP went away.  Suddenly, instead of falling asleep without trouble at 10:30 or 11... I was still up, tossing and turning until 12:30 or 1:00 and then trying to force myself to sleep only to wake at 3:30 and then again at 5:00...

Yesterday was the worst of the worst.  I woke up feeling awful and I burst into hysterical tears no less than 8 times.  It was ridiculous, but I was losing it.  I kept running to the bathroom and sobbing into a towel.  Between times, I was mostly fine, but Sheesh!

My poor family probably felt like this

GIFSoup

THE GYM

We finally got our butts to the gym, but honestly, I was pretty drained.  I was feeling a little bit hopeless and just irritated.  I was determined to do my workout just out of pure stubbornness.  I think that my facebook page is keeping me accountable, even if I don't have that many followers, I am getting some nice feedback and those people are honestly helping me to stick with it!  The support already means so much. So I did it.  I went to the gym and I did a major bicep/tricep workout... OWW!!!

My Wednesday Workout

As you can see, I suck... really, completely suck at doing cardio.  My son, my workout partner already does an hour of cardio for gym class at school, so he doesn't need to do it, and we almost always have to leave for his practices/work, so I can't do them then.  This means that I need to get off of my ass and do my cardio during the day or *gasp* IN THE MORNING.  I really need to start doing that if I want to lose fat faster (and I DO)...

SO... I entered an online diet bet.  One of the facebook pages that I follow posted this diet bet, and my husband agreed that I should do it, so I entered.

The Anti-Jared Diet Bet

The "bet" is to lose 4% of your body weight in 28 days.  Since it took me a few days to get my photo taken, I have 26 days.  This means that I really need to step up my cardio.  I'm losing body FAT right now, but I'm putting on muscle at a fast enough rate that without cardio, its not going to show on the scale.  Since one of my biggest goals and motivators is fat loss... I want to DO THIS THING!

Progress!!!

One of the things I had to do for the contest was take a before photo on the scales.  This meant that I had to get ON them.  My weight was 202.5.  Although this is only 1 pound down in the last two weeks... when I took my body fat %, I went from 40% to 38.5%!  So I'm losing fat AND gaining lean muscle.  I'm happy.

And sore.  If you want to see my weights/workouts since Sunday... here ya go!

PMS Monsters: Moods, Cravings & Food

Source: Uploaded by user via Lynette on Pinterest

Trivia Question of the Day:  What 'funny' dad/husband said this?

Wife:  "I think the hormonal fluctuation of PMS is screwing with my sleep.  I'm about ready to bawl my head off over everything."

Husband, "I kinda picked up on that a couple of days ago."

Hint: I didn't find it funny.

Yeah, it was my husband.  My generally awesome, amazing husband, who at times has 'foot in mouth disease'.

Thankfully for him, it was via email and I assumed he was being an idiot and not thinking.  If he'd been here in person, it could have easily led to tears or yelling.  Probably both.

I don't know what is up lately (yeah, I got it, I'm getting older, probably menopause type shit), but the emotional ups and downs have been crazy for me.  I have managed to pretty much avoid feeding my cravings, but I will say that after three days of craving sugar, I decided to allow myself a Snickers bar.  I actually bought one on Friday and then didn't even eat it until Saturday.

It was DIVINE... and it was ENOUGH!  That was a new one for me!  I was happy to have had it, I didn't beat myself up, I just enjoyed it and then that was ALL.  I didn't use that as a reason to beat myself up, or cave and eat everything in sight (something I've done in the past)... I just had a treat.  It was nice.  I felt good about having made a decision rather than just clinging to some hard and fast rule and I let myself BE.  I didn't fall apart and I didn't then cave on my whole journey to health.

I think I like this new me.  Listening to myself, being kind to myself and letting myself have weak moments without throwing the baby out with the bath water.

I feel victorious!

Source: indulgy.com via Allison on Pinterest

This may not seem like a big deal, but it is HUGE for someone like me!  I tend to be all or nothing, black or white, no in between... and even a small, tiny indiscretion would often have me giving up completely.  I'm growing up, y'all! :)

I am living by THIS motto now:

Source: indulgy.com via Ashley on Pinterest