I think that although I haven't 'given up' on an aesthetic ideal by any means, I HAVE decided to focus more on my mental/emotional side AND getting stronger/building muscle FIRST. I want to give myself time to heal from my disordered thinking and self loathing that I've suffered with for most of my life. I deserve better. I've made it my goal to lift heavy 4 times a week or more for six months solid, and THEN worry about aesthetics again if I want/need to. The muscle will help a LOT with fat loss, and having the time to learn to love myself will help me feel better in every way.
I used to always think that if I could just get thin enough FIRST, THEN I could learn to love myself. Too many failed attempts (and even getting lean!) didn't help me love myself. I think I had it backwards and I have nothing to lose by loving myself first.
So here is my priority: Stronger, Healthier, Learn to Love myself. Revisit in a few months to see where I am.
I'm tired of the habit I've had of always thinking that "I will love myself when I lose x amount of pounds". No. I deserve to love myself NOW. I wouldn't want my children to think that way, and I don't deserve to feel that way any longer either. Neither do you.
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