Setting Daily Goals for Positive Visualization to change my Body, my Self Image and My Life.

Today is my birthday.  I am 42 years old.  I have spent almost 4 decades being horrible to myself, refusing to love myself outside of some 'perfect' nearly unattainable physical goal.

I am done with that.  

Singing "Baby Got Back" with two of my kids at my birthday party and just enjoying my friends and my party.  PMSing, bloated... and yet I was able to just let go and have FUN and make a REALLY memorable night for myself, my friends and my family.  Any other year, I would have stayed home by myself and been miserable because I was allowing my self loathing to dictate that I didn't "deserve" to have fun and be around people unless I was at my "goal weight" and looked "good enough."  Fuck that noise!!!  No more!!!

Does that mean I'm giving up on my health, getting fitter, more muscular and leaner?

Absofuckinglutely NOT.

It means I am through waiting for "the perfect body" before I'll love myself.  I am never going to change my body by hating it, beating it up and always looking at myself as fat, unattractive and worthless.  From now on I am going to retrain my thoughts to think positively about myself.  I am going to feel beautiful and just get sexier every day. 

Goals:

• Workout (Free download: Beautiful Badass by Nia Shanks) three days a week.  Lift HEAVY.  Get STRONG.
• Use visualization during workouts.  Be focused and purposeful.
• Meditation for at least 15 minutes a day.  (3 times a day for 5 minutes each, probably, as I'm not very good at sitting still).
• Keep the house clean (this helps my stress level immensely if I don't have to walk around looking at mess)
• Blog 3 days a week: Day One:  Creative Visualization Exercises/Challenges, Day Two:   Fitness/Progress Pics/Workouts, etc., Day Three:  Non Scale Victories/Personal realizations

Share your goals with me!  What would you like to accomplish on a daily/weekly basis?

Going Forward... the 2nd 12 Weeks of my transformation.

My 42nd birthday is July 23rd... I have Goals to reach by then!

That will be just a little bit past my second "12 Week" mark.  I have some goals that I want to meet, but mostly I want to make some new changes and habits.

During my first 12 weeks, I wanted to (A) Lose Fat & (B) Get Healthier.

I managed to:

1. Stop drinking alcohol (once a month instead of every night)
2. Stop eating grains (a 6 month goal, at which point I will gradually add them back in to see what/if anything bothers me digestive-wise)
3. Eat "Clean" six days a week (The main change for ME: cut out grains, sugar & artificial sweeteners)
4. Eat more protein
5. Celebrate one cheat meal/day a week as I felt I needed it (sometimes I ended up with a day of noshing on this or that, but most often I had one treat for the day and that was plenty!)
6. Workout with weights at least 4 days a week, usually 5-6
7. Increase my strength a LOT!
8. Start falling asleep by 10:00 instead of 1 or 2 am!!!  (this was HUGE!!!)
9. Start taking my supplements & vitamins regularly
10. accomplish a daily fitness/workout challenge every day each month
11. I've lost 17 pounds, went from 41% body fat to 35.7% AND lost lost of inches (around 20)
12. I have more energy, more focus and feel MUCH more comfortable in my own skin.

During my second 12 Weeks, I would like to add a few new habits:

• Try carb cycling
• Eat a LOT more fresh vegetables (spring is in the air!)
• Add in Cardio three times a week (starting with SMALL doses with HIIT on the bike & elliptical)
• Keep up the weight lifting, keep up the challenges and clean eating
• Lose another 17-24 pounds of fat, get down to 30% body fat & lose more inches!!!
• Find a better way to deal with stress

Non fitness related, but because I finally have energy and better focus:

• Paint something each week
• Work on my script formatting at least a few times a week
• Do something special, specifically for my husband each week
• Have a family dinner once a week
• Spend time with the kids doing something physical at least weekly

I will also start posting my workouts here at least when they change. 

I LOVE Weight Lifting!!!

I'm improving!!!  I did 95# on the decline bench press tonight... I was struggling, but I did 3 sets of ten! That's 20# up from my last time. My husband pushes me so much more than I would push myself!

We got to the dumb bell flyes and K. started with 25# and gave up.  He absolutely couldn't do it, so I gave him 20# and he said he couldn't do it.  So I went and did 10 with the 20# and suddenly he decided he COULD do it after all.  He's SO funny.  Seriously, he's SO comical, between the two of us and our sarcastic sense of humor... it would make a funny show :)  Anyway, I did 3 sets of 10 with the 20# and was barely sweating it, so Kainan had to finish off with two last sets using the 25#.  I gave him such a hard time... he's a good sport about it, thankfully :)

**I think that maybe I shouldn't have said, "Why don't I feel sore anymore when I work out?" this morning when talking to my hubby.

My arms feel a LOT less 'squishy', even though I haven't been able to do but maybe one bicep/tricep workout in the last MONTH due to my elbow.  I think my shoulders are getting more defined, though, and that is helping a bit.  I feel STRONG.  I LOVE IT.  I love the feeling of lifting weights, especially when I go up in weight from one week to the next.  I love it when suddenly something that felt really hard one week suddenly feels easy... I just feel so much more... OOMPH than I have before.

I LOVED doing Zumba and teaching classes.  I loved working up into a big sweaty dripping mess, and I hope to teach again, because encouraging others was awesome as well... but weight lifting is such a different beast.  I am really surprised at how much I like it.  I can do it when I am pissed off, I can do it when I'm happy, I can do it whenever and I can FORCE myself to do it and still push myself.  Its just DIFFERENT.  I'm so SO glad that I started.

I need to post here more and post more updated photos.  I'm seeing changes in ways that I've never seen before.  I'm VERY curious to see how this plays out...

If anyone is reading and has questions, let me know!  I'm hoping to keep updating here at least twice a week.  I am lifting weights 6 days a week this month and getting maybe 2 sessions of HIIT of about 15-20 minutes each week... at best.  I must say, I'm really slacking on the cardio!

Find me on my Fitspiration Over 40 Facebook Page for Daily Challenges and updates!

Charting Moods for my Own Sanity

I can't remember exactly how many times I have figured this out, but writing out my negativity, my pissy moods, my frustrations, my anxieties, etc always helps. It might help a little, just to get it out of my head, but any time that I finally just feel crushed and write EVERYTHING down and REALLY pay attention to how I'm feeling??? Complete change.

Seriously, this "Mood Monster" has been going on for too long! 

Really?  Another MAJOR Mood Monster!?!?

Add to that a kick ass workout and I'm wonnnderful. Say what you will about chicks who lift weights, but this shit makes me feel fantastic. EVEN THOUGH I had a gimpy knee and couldn't do all of my workout (had to supplement with other things), I STILL left feeling pumped up. I may end up being one of those buff chicks, because the "afterglow" is AWESOME.  Anyway, we came home and I wasn't even beating myself up over the gimpy knee, the cold shower because the kids used all the hot water didn't even piss me off, and I sat on our couch with Patrick and just wanted to cuddle, talk and be close (WHAT????  Where did THAT come from?  I don't give a shit... just took advantage while I could!)

So, forgive my pissy writings, I'll try to mostly keep them to myself, but sheesh... I feel awesome.

(And yes, I've been diagnosed as bipolar before)

I woke up this morning and my first thought was, "I feel WONDERFUL!  What did I DO???  I must JOURNAL EVERY DAY!"

And no, I don't have the dedication or desire to be THIS buff (although I wouldn't mind a bit, its not my goal), but this woman, Dana Linn Bailey is hot as hell for some reason. And she reminds me of P!nk for yet another reason. In part, I think its just the personality and attitude... but there is something.  

WEIGH IN & Workout Update

Weigh In!

Day #1: 210 lbs, bf 40% 

Day #15: 203.5 lbs bf 39.5%

Day #31: 201 bf 38.4%

I needed to see this progress! I felt like I wasn't losing ANYTHING!  
I still have a long way to go, but I'm getting there!

The sports bra in pic #2 is actually tighter than the one in the 1st pic.  Hopefully can have the same clean clothes to photograph from here on out! :)

THIS is the type of thing I need to SEE.  Although in the midst of depression, things can look bleak, even I couldn't completely ignore these numbers.  It feels great to see progress!

I am keeping up with my workouts and getting stronger every week.

I can't tell you how exciting it is for me to see my improvements over time!

     

Day 1

Day 21 

 Through Day 31 (I think I have that right)

Week 3 Check In Results & Workout, Transformation: Phase 2

Week 3 (My 21 Day Check in) 

Weight 202 (down from 210)  Lost 8 pounds!

Body fat 39% (down from 40%)  Lost 1%

NON Scale Victories?  Why, yes, I have those, too!

• I haven't had even an ounce of alcohol since I started this challenge, and I have been so focused on my health, I haven't even wanted it!
• I have been sleeping really well
• I have managed to catch myself when I'm beating myself up or being negative and I've stopped the thoughts in their tracks.  (Sometimes this takes a bit, and sometimes it doesn't "stick" really well, but I'm on it!)

I'm starting phase two a week early.  I am a little weird about things  and I wanted to get my "months" within actual months.  I know, I'm strange.

Anyway, I've made up a chart for tracking this workout that puts everything together so you can easily see your progress.  This is from Jamie Eason's Live Fit Trainer on Body Building's site.  I just made a few tweaks, mostly because I need to be careful of my back and I don't want two full leg days as my legs are already bulkier than I'd like.   I made copies for my family members who are doing this with me so that they can keep track as well.

Last night was our first workout on Phase 2.  Both my husband and my sports loving 17 year old son went to the gym with me last night, even though we went right  after the Super Bowl started!  That's some dedication, right there!

I had to do assisted pull ups.  I needed 115 pounds of assistance!  Ugh!!!  BUT, that just ups my determination.  I will be able to do some unassisted pull ups by the end of this 12 week challenge!  I was actually sore by the time we left the gym, and was definitely feeling my lats this morning!  Yay for a great workout!

Then... I'll need new goals!

Anyway, I just wanted to share my workout with you... I've been keeping up and doing well!

Don't forget our February Squat Challenge!  I'm keeping up with that, too!

Rest Day! Planning Ahead: Failing to Plan is Planning to Fail

Source: bodywork.blogg.no via David on Pinterest

Today I made up my at-a-glance calendar for February as well as taking the time to make up a google doc to keep track of my daily workouts (which are 95% from Jamie Eason's 12 Week Trainer, Phase 2)

I'm going to work out a shopping list and meal/snacks list as well so that I make sure I always have food on hand.  Although I am sticking pretty closely to Paleo, there are some aspects of Tim Ferris' "Slow Carb" as well (I add beans and lentils, because honestly my budget can't keep me full with JUST meat) AND I have at least one meal replacement shake a day as well, mainly because I can't afford to buy as much organic food/nutrients as I get in my shakes.)

Eating Enough:  I think I need to track my calories at least one week out of each month to make sure that I'm eating enough.  I think that I'm not getting enough calories each day... but, I am eating healthy, so that is still progress!

Here is the "Google Drive" Document that I use to track my daily workouts, weight, sets and reps.  I actually print it out and take it to the gym with me and then I input the numbers when I get home.  That way I can see at a glance how my levels of fitness and strength are improving over time.  Yeah, I'm a little OCD, but this is the best way for me to see continued progress.  I am the type that needs to SEE continued progress so that I can stay motivated to continue.

Here is a clip to see the chart I linked to above.  I like this format because I can type in the first weeka nd just cut and paste for the remaining weeks.  I also save a blank copy of this workout for sometime in the future when I want to go back through this routine again.

Parenting & Weight Loss... Not Letting my own past Poison my Daughters' Self Image

Parenting Moment:

My 14 year old daughter has been my most consistent gym companion (my husband was sick last week and injured this week).  It has been really nice to workout with her and have the opportunity to discuss health, body types, self image, fitness and nutrition.  It has been a good opportunity to discuss the difference between people as well.  Body types, fitness goals & strengths,dietary needs, etc.  She is a vegetarian and has recently chosen to cut out sugar (which led to an almost immediate 100% clearing up of her skin!) and I'm a no grains, Paleo leaning type.  

After growing up and struggling with such a severely messed up self/body image, I love that we can discuss all of these things without it having to be a "fat/skinny/attractive" thing, but a health conscious, individual preference and CHOICE.  I love that. Love it.

I don't claim to have done everything 100% in the parenting department, but I think I've done fairly well in this, and I'm really really proud of my kids for taking the initiative on their own to learn more, make a change in their eating habits and take care of themselves.  They are pretty awesome people, even for *gasp* Teenagers!

Me Moment:

I'm still being good about tracking workouts.  (YAY ME!) You can see how I'm switching things up a little.  To be honest, as far as leg workouts go, I was STILL sore from last Wednesday's leg workout, so I chose to mix things up a little bit.  With the little bit of cardio added in tonight, I was dripping with sweat before we were even half done!

I think its a great thing to mix things up "keep the body guessing" ala Gordon on Dodgeball.  I LOVE that movie:)

Day #16: Back & Biceps Adding New Workouts, More Weights...

Day #16:  Back & Biceps  Adding New Workouts, More Weights...

I have to admit I'm feeling a little discouraged from time to time.  I know that I'm improving, but its kind of depressing at the same time that I can't SEE anything.  Then again, yes, I actually can feel a difference when I put on my jeans.  My belly is definitely less... bloated.  I think its that time of the month again, so I'm just feeling extra sensitive to everything.  I HAVE lost weight, but even losing 6-8 pounds and I'm still heavier than I've been before 2012.  It is really difficult for me to adjust to being this big.  I am struggling with feeling *good* about my progress... although I do vacillate between being totally thrilled that my muscles hurt and I know that I'm pushing myself and then feeling like I'm not doing ANYTHING.

Have I mentioned that I'm a teensy bit of a drama queen?  

And I might (just might) be a little bit black & white in my thinking.  

Source: startnow.stockphotosweb.com via Byn on Pinterest

I MUST keep this in mind!!!

And in my case, I think I'm harder on myself, so much so that I might not even notice before friends do!

But, I've managed to NOT pig out, to NOT get chocolate and instead I've stuck with my gym workouts.  I've managed to still keep tracking on my google drive document, and it feels great to see my improvements over even just a few weeks.

I'm planning on keeping this weightlifting workout and adding just a little, increasing my weight gradually.

My thoughts for Phase Two is as follows (not necessarily in any order):

1. Back, Biceps & Abs
2. Legs & Abs
3. Shoulders, Chest & Triceps
4. Full Body Workout (Tabata Style)
5. Rest Day
6. Full Body Workout (Choose one from my Pinterest Board)
7. Rest Day

I am also adding a daily challenge for myself in February.  My goal is to get myself moving in short spurts throughout the day, rather than letting myself get used to sitting on my ass all day before a nice hard workout.

*Daily Challenge  (Get February's Squatting Challenge Here)

February Squats Challenge!!!

I love squats.  I love that they work SO many muscles at once and I can just do them in spurts when I'm already getting up to do something.

I found this challenge on Pinterest, but from all of the different pins, not one of the ones I found was actually linked to a blog post.  I found a link to this tumblr, but I must say I'm woefully inadequate when dealing with tumblr, so I still can't find this particular post.  Hell, I don't even know if that's something you can DO on tumblr.  (I said I was woefully inadequate!)

ANYWAY, I'm going to do this challenge for February.  I think I'll print out one for my bathroom mirror and one for my fridge so the kids can do it with me if they want to.

I'll be enjoying squats and working up the nerve for a bigger challenge for March.  Maybe planks or burpees?

Share your favorite challenges with me!

Day #11: ASStastic Workout (oh, and some abs and legs, too)

Tonight is my Lower Body Workout Day

I am definitely a *Pear Shape*... or a mesomorph (& endomorph??) body type.  I tend to be muscular, and I gain muscle easily, but at this age, I am definitely far too good at gaining fat as well.  At any rate, when it comes to working out, I definitely want to build my upper body.  My lower body is definitely holding onto plenty of weight, but even now, a lot of it is muscle.

When I was at my most fit, my legs were thick.  There wasn't a lot of fat, but they were big.  Even at my lowest body fat, my calves were still 15 inches and too big to fit into pretty much any boots (and I love boots!).

Anyway, when I go to build muscle, most of my focus is going to be on my arms, shoulders, abs and back.  My legs can wait... or at least take it easy.  The one area of my lower body that I do want to work on?

That right, ladies, the ass.

Source: skinnyms.com via Byn on Pinterest

I can't tell you how much this shocks me.  Growing up, I always had ample ass--age.  I was called bubble butt throughout my childhood, and through my twenties, I still had the ass.  Even in my thirties.  Somewhere in my 40's, it left me.  Did I not appreciate it enough?  I don't know.  I always assumed it would be there.  One day I flipped to the side in Zumba and caught my reflection in the mirror and thought, "WOW!  These shorts actually make my ass look flat!"

Over the next couple of weeks, I started to take notice... my ass was GONE!

So, now that I'm been getting back in the swing of things, working on my goals, I definitely want my ass back!  As a matter of fact, the other day I was perusing my "Fitness Inspiration" board on Pinterest, and my 14 year old said, "Why are there so many butts on your page?"

Because that is where my lower body focus is going to be.  My husband isn't into boobs.  He isn't one to start drooling or getting that glazed over look when a woman with big boobs bounces by with a plunging neckline (even if its ME), but he certainly likes a nice back view.  This isn't the only reason I want my ass back, but I have to say, it might lend a little extra motivation for me.

All this to say, LOOK AT THIS AWESOME, or should I say ASS-SOME (hahaha) WORKOUT I FOUND!!!

That's right, ladies and gents, tonight, I'm going to work on my back view.  I'll let you know how hard it is to sit and stand tomorrow :)  Have a great workout!

Source: thehautebunny.wordpress.com via Byn on Pinterest

Day #8 Workout: Chest, Shoulders & Triceps

YES!!!  Its GYM DAY AGAIN!  I can't believe how excited I am to get to the gym.  I've done weight lifting in the past before, but I am so easily bored, that I didn't stick with anything consistently.  Another note:  Had I been keeping track of my workout, I know it would have been much easier to stick with it.

**Sunday WEIGH IN:  203 1/2!!!  I've Lost 6 1/2 pounds!

As it was, every time I went to the gym, I would be trying to remember how many reps I did and at what weight.  Now I have everything written down in a google doc.  I print it out (or Patrick pulls it up on his phone).  That way I can see instantly if I am at the same weight or going even higher.  It has been motivating for me just knowing that in a few weeks I'll be able to look back and see a marked improvement!

I can't recommend this enough!  No matter where you're starting, you'll soon see an improvement!  For me, seeing the improvement, be it in my weight, my lifting, my cardio, my measurements, is the BIGGEST motivator to KEEP GOING!!!

My first workout

And one week later: (I was able to increase my weight in some exercises, and add additional workouts to my schedule as well.  PROGRESS!)

What do you use to keep track of your workouts?  I signed up for some apps and online trackers, but in the end, I like my little spreadsheet in googledocs.  I love technology, but when it comes to tracking, I just like a pencil and paper better... I like making my own forms, my own spreadsheets, etc.

Anyway, I was able to up my weight a little in some areas... and that felt awesome!  I went to bed sore and happy!  I forgot to measure today, but I'll do so first thing in the morning!

Day #5, 6 & 7: Rest, Stretch & Cleanse!

My January workout schedule goes like this:

Sunday:  Weights, minimum cardio
Monday:  Weights, minimum cardio
Tuesday:  Weights (legs & abs) & cardio
Wednesday:  Weights, upper body, super sets and cardio
Thursday:  Rest/Cardio
Friday & Saturday:  Liquid Cleanse, Stretch/PiYo

I've worked really hard this week, even though I couldn't do much in the way of cardio, I think I'll really be able to improve on that even tomorrow.  My back is feeling SO SO much better and I know that the weight lifting has helped tremendously.

I'm using my pinterest to find different challenges to add to each month.  I am also trying to think of what I'd like to add to my "1st of the month" update video as far as my own challenges and goals.  I know things that I want to accomplish, but I'm not sure what reasonable goals are... so right now, I guess my first 'challenges' video will really just be marking where my starting point is.

How do you set goals/challenges?

I am finding TONS of motivation on Facebook... I definitely recommend finding some motivational pages for good inspiration, ideas, motivation and education.  Make sure to always research on your own as well, but there is a lot of good information out there!

For the rest of January, my workout will be the same, except that I'll gradually be able to add in those workouts that I had to skip due to injury as my back gets stronger.  I'll also be able to add in cardio at least 4 times a week starting tomorrow!  I'm excited to see this transformation happen!

Day #4 Workout: Super Sets Upper Body!

Whoo HOO!!!  Today was one of those days when having my husband there as my 'trainer' came in really handy.  I think.  He kicked my ass.  Of course I may not be able to lift my arms tomorrow to lift my ass out of bed, so maybe I should withhold judgement as to how awesome he is.  He pushed me really hard today.  He knows me well enough to know that I need to see some changes, soon, and I need to feel that I worked out.

My workout journal comment was, "Felt FANTASTIC, but shaky as hell when leaving the gym.  Holy crap.  I did a lot of those to complete failure.  I am going to FEEL this tomorrow!"

If I had a smart phone, this would have been me:

Photo Credit

Day 4
1/16/2013
Time 1:55-3:20 
Cardio Recum. Bike 40 minute interval 2-5
Arms:  Supersets
Preacher Curl 12x12ea 12x12ea 12x12ea
Close Grip Bench Press 30x12 30x12 40x12
Dumbbell Curls 12x12 12x12 12x12
Lying Dumbbell Ext 12x12 12x12 12x12
Incline Dumbbell Curls 12x12 12x10 12x6
Pushdowns (dips) 140asst.x12 160asst.x12 135asst.x12

In other words, I'm going to be flopping around like a fish out of water come tomorrow morning.  It ought to be lovely.  Come to think of it, I bet that would make for a fantastic workout vlog post.  I could get my girls to film me trying to get out of bed without working arms (my mattress is on the floor, so it kind of requires arms, especially with a gimpy back!)

Oh well, tomorrow is a REST DAY, so all I will be expected to do is stretch and drive my kids to their different classes/jobs/etc.  I'm good with that.  As long as I can life my arms enough to steer.  I don't know how much I bet on that, since I shaved my arm pits as soon as I got home, just in case I can't lift my arms for a few days starting tomorrow.  They didn't even NEED it!  That's how paranoid I am!

What did you work out today?

Workout Day #3: Legs & Abs

Yesterday's workout was for legs and abs.  I have to admit, it was really frustrating for me to have to skip any of the workouts because of my back.  I was really struggling to not beat myself up over that.  I think I did okay, though, I just had to continually remind myself that I'm doing more than I did a month ago, and I build muscle fast, so I can DO THIS.  I WILL see a change!

Due to our crazy schedule of hauling kids places, I only had 10 minutes for cardio.  That was a little frustrating, but I will get our schedules figured out and plan better.  That was totally my fault!


Day 3
1/15/2013
Time  
Cardio Recumbent Bike 10 min @5
Legs/Abs
Hyper Extensions SKIP
Horizontal Leg Press 120x12 140x12 140x12
Leg Extensions 50x12 40x12 40x12
Leg Curl 40x12 40x12 40x12
Seated Calf Raises SKIP (because I don't need more muscle there at this point)
Cat-Abs Work (4HB) 6x6 6x count of 6 breaths
Abs (other) Ball Crunches 12

I ate well, had my two Isagenix shakes with a little extra protein (a handful of raw spinach in each shake) as well as one egg, two egg whites and 1/4th a cup of cottage cheese for breakfast and an omelette for my other meal.

I feel good.  I feel like I'm getting stronger and I'm sticking with my plan!  I am keeping track of all of my workouts in a google spreadsheet.  

I can't wait to see how far I've come in another month!

How do you keep track of your progress??

Workout Day #2

I'm updating my workouts a day late, since we seem to end up working out in the evenings, all I want to do when I get home is have a nice hot bath and then curl up with a book.

Yesterday was odd.  I had slept well the night before, but I still felt tired.  Probably because I took 2 of the sleeping pills instead of the 1 that kept me up the night before.  I'm trying out a new sleep supplement, Dreamweaver, since I have pretty severe insomnia.  The Dreamweaver lives up to its name.  I feel like I am finally sleeping deeply enough to dream... and dream I do.  A LOT.

Anyway, by about 1:00 yesterday afternoon, I had a raging headache.  I don't know if my neck is out or this is just a fun little way of my body rebelling because it would rather sit around being a lazy ass at this point.  I took some pain reliever at noon, but by 1:00, my head was still killing me, so I went to lie down.  My hubby turned on the fan so that I would fall asleep... even though I was protesting that I just needed to close my eyes for a minute.

Two hours later, I woke up in somewhat of a daze.  My head ache was gone, though, so who was I to complain.

I have to admit, I'm still feeling edgy and overly sensitive to everything.  In other words, I'm being a bitch.  I know this is a side effect of no longer drinking, but damn, its hard to see anything rationally.  Everything my husband says pisses me off.  Everything he DOESN'T say pisses me off and leaves me feeling lonely and unsupported.  I know some of this is irrational thinking on my part and some of it is him trying to figure out the right way to respond (and his go to default is, "don't say anything that might piss her off")... its more of a workout getting through my own emotional landmines than it is to haul my ass to the gym.

I am seriously more frustrated with myself than anything else.  Remembering my level of fitness even one year ago, its so depressing to me that I can't even do cardio for more than 10 minutes.

Anyway, this was my workout:

Day 2
1/14/2013
Time  
Cardio Recumbent Bike 10 min @5 resistance (I could have went longer, but we were out of time)
Back/Biceps
High Lat Pulldowns 50x14 60x12 60x14
Dumbbell Rows 10x12 12x12 12x12
Front Lat Pulldowns 40x12 50x12 50x12
Preacher Curl 30x12 25x12 25x12

Back to the Gym!!!

I made it back tot he gym last night!

It felt SO good to be back.

I was feeling extremely crabby and frustrated.  Mostly because I had just finished two cleanse days and a lack of sleep, which makes me cranky, not to mention taking before photos and having to upload them and see myself... for real... with no baggy clothes to hide behind.  I know its for the best, but its hard to do when you are the only one in a houseful of people making such a drastic change.  Not that our 'clean eating' or even the 'slow carb/paleo' eating is a big change, but I'm doing a ten day cleanse to get a jumpstart, because I'm the only one with 70+ pounds to lose.  The rest of the family just wants to stay healthy.

I find it beyond frustrating that it is so much harder for me to lost weight than it is for my husband.  Seriously. He can just think about it for a minute and he can lose weight and gain muscle.  Ugh.  Men.  It makes me feel like he doesn't appreciate all of the sacrifices I'm having to make and he's just asking me why I'm so irritated at him, when really, I just feel like I'm alone in this.  I hope this phase passes quickly!

Anyway, I went to the gym and tried the treadmill.  Even though I wore my back brace, I still felt a little too anxious to try the elliptical.  As it was, I was only able to do 2.6 on the treadmill without feeling like I was going to re-injure myself.  That in and of itself was really depressing.  I felt like I wasn't going to be able to make any changes with that little work!

I have to say, I had a HARD time staying focused and staying positive.  It was really hard for me not to beat myself up for being back at the beginning again.  I did the best I could, and every time I found myself putting myself down or feeling like "I am NEVER going to get into shape again, I'm going to feel awful FOREVER." I would forcibly change my attention to one of the many "Transformations" that had encouraged me and just pictured myself at the end of my journey.

I tried to be purposeful in my movements with the weights and make sure I was focusing on each muscle as I worked out.  I worked on chest, shoulders & triceps from a workout plan I found online for working through a back injury.  I left out the military bench press and seated shoulder shrugs because they put too much strain on my back.  I ended up doing:


Day 1
1/13/2013
Time  6:00-7:15
Cardio Treadmill for 10 min. @ 2.6
Chest/Shoulders/Triceps
Flat Bench Press *20x12 40x12 50x12
Incline Bench Press 20x12 20x12 20x12
Dumbbell Bench Press 15x19 15x12 15x13
Dumbbell Flys 8x12 8x12 8x12
Front Raises 8x12 5x12 5x12
Tricep Push Downs 20x12 30x12 30x11

*I wrote each set with # x how many reps.

I am really excited to keep track of my weights and reps, because I know that I'll be able to see a lot more improvement that way, especially since I can't do much of anything cardio wise for at least another week or two.

When Working Out Makes you feel Pathetic

Holy shit balls.

So I went to the gym with Patrick tonight... and apparently he sadly over estimated my level of fitness.  He laid out the plan.  I was going to do 10 burpees (after a good warm up), then go hard on the elliptical for 3 minutes, then 10 burpees, then chill and go slow on the elliptical... repeat.

Anyway, I started on the warm up and good lord, the cramps started almost immediately.  Knowing that they tend to fade after a little bit of warm up, I decided to just keep going... and going.  The cramping was getting better until he upped my resistance and incline... and then it got worse.  Hip to toe, it seemed like every single muscle in my legs was knotted up in one hard knot of pain.  I tried going for a little bit and then it felt like I was going to literally tear something it hurt so much.

Patrick was standing there and asked if I was alright (this was literally in less and two minutes) and I said, "I think you are WAY overestimating how out of shape I am!"  He slowed the elliptical and asked what was going on and then told me to stretch.  Even stretching was painful as hell and I had tears running down my face.  Fortunately, I was in a downward dog type position, and I was sweating even more than I was crying, so I doubt anyone else knew, but it felt humiliating anyway.

I felt like a failure.  I had done two pathetic burpees and less than 8 minutes on the elliptical, and 6 of those were just slow warming up!

UGH!!!

Then he set me up on the treadmill and had me go slow for another 5 -10 minutes to warm up more slowly.  He checked on me every once in a while until I was ready to go at a higher pace.

Anyway, even longer story short, I ended up on the treadmill for about 45 minutes total (once I accidentally shut down the thing for a minute and restarted it), but I was really feeling shitty for not even being able to do 2 minutes on the treadmill.  I could see my reflection in the screen (I had forgotten my headphones, so there wasn't even anything to distract me) and I was so thoroughly upset with myself that it was all I could do to now just stand there and cry.

I hate how quick I am to think negatively about myself.  I hate how ingrained this negative self image is.  That may be the hardest part of this journey... learning to truly like myself and believe in myself.

What do you do to fight against that inner voice that is putting you down?

Day #4: Part Two: Late Night Workout

Because of our schedules yesterday, we didn't have the opportunity to go to the gym until 9:30 last night.  Since Patrick gets up as early as 5:30 in the morning, I didn't expect to get to the gym.  He surprised me by coming home and getting ready to go.

We went to the gym at 9:30 and I hit the elliptical for 20 minutes for a warm up.  I felt fine, but my HR is still getting higher than he likes it.  Then he had me rest to see what my heart rate recovery was.  These are his notes:

20 Min Cardio on Eliptical.  HR @ end of cardio *after a cool down 156.  HR @ end of 3 Min rest 126.  Need to improve HR Recovery rate.

Front Raise @ 8 Lb @ 20 reps, three sets

Lateral Raise @ 5 lb @ 20 reps, three sets

Lateral shoulder abduction on cable machine @ 15 lb @ 20 reps, two sets

Front Pull-down (opposite of lateral raise) on cable machine @ 45 lb @ 20 reps, two sets.

Plank on hands to failure.  1 min rest. Plank on elbows to failure.  1 min rest.

Leg raise w/ hands under lower back - 10 raises followed by hold for 30 count, 10 more raises followed by hold for 30 count, alternating leg raises (scissors) @ 20 count, hold heels off floor to failure.

Hip raise with feet on Bosu ball to failure.

Side leg lifts x 20 followed by hold for 45 seconds, both sides.

Reverse flies on 45 degree stand, 20 @ 8 lb followed by 20 @ 5 lb

Front flies on cable machine @ 30 lb to failure (about 35 or so).

Stretch.

(I wish I had the time on the planks and hip raises, although I'm sure my planks were totally pathetic.  I can not believe how much strength and aerobic fitness I've lost.  Its a little depressing)

My legs were cramping up a lot during the hip raises and the leg lifts, but I managed to get through it.  I'm surprised that I'm not more sore this morning.

Alcohol:  Still NO cravings.  What the hell?  I've apparently hit that perfect mind/body/diet connection and things are going so much more smoothly!  Whoo Hoo!!!  This is significant and I'm very very VERY happy about this change!  Read more about alcohol's affect on your metabolism/cheat day/leptin levels.

Anyway... onto today, December 20, 2012, Day #5 of my Awesome Transformation!

Day #4 of my Awesome Transformation

Insomnia:  So last night was a little better.  I was really surprised that I had no craving for alcohol at all.  I wasn't even terribly panicked that I had NOTHING to help me sleep, not even "Sleepy Time" tea.  This is a big BIG change for me.  YAY!  I was still feeling incredibly overly sensitive (my poor husband), but I did eventually get to sleep around 2:00 am.  The night was still plagued with dreams... over and over and over.  I kept waking up feeling panicked or frustrated... but I was still able to fall asleep easier than the night before, so still, PROGRESS.  That is what I'm looking for in this journey, continued progress.

I won't have the opportunity to go to the gym with my husband until 9:00 or later tonight, so I'm going to go do a short workout DVD with PiYo for right now.  Just in case he's too tired to take me later... I have to get something in today!

I just finished PiYo #3 with my 12 year old daughter Abyni!  It was only 35 minutes, but we were both sweating, and we made it through all of the exercises.  Granted, I had to do the push ups and the mermaid poses on one knee, but I did them all!  I get SO bored when I'm exercising, but with this, I found that I was surprised when it was done!

 

I can certainly tell that although I still feel really really tired, I still have far more energy today than I did yesterday!  I got some laundry going, the dishes put away AND did some fitness.  

Things are only moving up from here!

Tomorrow I think I'll start making some concrete goals and habits that I want to develop.