NSV: Non Scale Victory: My Scale Doesn't Always Show my Progress... DEFINITELY TRUE!

NSV:  I've been feeling frustrated with my lack of visible progress, so I went and looked back through some of the first pages in my workout notebook... Wow.  I had forgotten some things.  My first week at the gym, I couldn't make it 8 minutes on the elliptical (and that was with a 5 minute WARM UP!) and was literally in tears, feeling like a failure.  I could only do squats with a 30lb dumbbell and split squats with NO weight nearly killed me.  I pulled my back out seriously within the first few days of my workout and was out for three and a half weeks...

And yet, I still went back.  I started again.  I have to admit, I wore a big baggy sweatshirt to the gym ALWAYS.  I couldn't look in the mirror and I left the gym those first few weeks feeling like I would never see a change.  I was in tears more often than not as I left.

BUT I KEPT GOING.  Six months later:
My 55lb bench press is now 110#for three sets of 10.
My deadlift of 40lbs is now 110 for 3 sets of 8
My ZERO weighted hip thrusts are now done with 70lbs
My lat pulldown of 70lbs is now 120 for 3 sets of 8
My cable rows went from 50 to 100lbs
My 1 arm DB row went from 20 to 40lbs

At many times in my life, those first few weeks would have made me give up.  I am so glad that I didn't let those set backs keep me from progressing.  I'm continually learning, I'm continually getting stronger and I feel really proud of my accomplishments.  I love getting strong and feeling better about myself.  If I can do it... anyone can.

And then I have to remind myself that I HAVE seen a LOT of physical changes.  I may have stalled currently on the weight loss, but I need to remember that for me, anyway, my weight loss always seems to do that.  I build and build and then suddenly *BOOM* there is a sudden drop in weight and body fat.  That's just how my body works.

Besides, there is something to be said for going from someone who was too ashamed to go out in public without sweats and a hoodie to cover herself up... to the woman rocking this dress:

I also want to note that without my workout partner (especially Marie), I wouldn't have been able to keep up with this.  It is SO great to have a workout partner and I encourage you to find someone to workout with, if you don't already have someone!

Just Because I've Decided to Love Myself NOW, DOES NOT Mean That I'm Giving Up.

I think that although I haven't 'given up' on an aesthetic ideal by any means, I HAVE decided to focus more on my mental/emotional side AND getting stronger/building muscle FIRST. I want to give myself time to heal from my disordered thinking and self loathing that I've suffered with for most of my life. I deserve better. I've made it my goal to lift heavy 4 times a week or more for six months solid, and THEN worry about aesthetics again if I want/need to. The muscle will help a LOT with fat loss, and having the time to learn to love myself will help me feel better in every way.

I used to always think that if I could just get thin enough FIRST, THEN I could learn to love myself. Too many failed attempts (and even getting lean!) didn't help me love myself. I think I had it backwards and I have nothing to lose by loving myself first.

So here is my priority: Stronger, Healthier, Learn to Love myself. Revisit in a few months to see where I am.

I'm tired of the habit I've had of always thinking that "I will love myself when I lose x amount of pounds".  No.  I deserve to love myself NOW.  I wouldn't want my children to think that way, and I don't deserve to feel that way any longer either.  Neither do you.

My Five Months lifting and "Eating the Food" 'progress'

My lifting and "Eating the Food" 'progress' thus far.

Here we go... *gulp* I started lifting in mid-to late January. I had to take it easy for the first month as I was coming off of a back injury, but I started lifting 3-5 days a week. Soon I was lifting 5-6 days a week with 1 hour workouts and I really really LOVE lifting. No cardio.
During April I started "Eating the Food" (not that I was really purposefully restricting anything other than grains before that, but I DEFINITELY wasn't eating enough because I just didn't know!)

In May I added some little bursts of HIIT cardio during my lifting, but took the workouts down to 2 days a week because I was on my feet all weekends for Ren Faire.  So while there isn't a LOT of progress from the second to third row, the fact that there wasn't much decline when I took over a month off from 5-6 day a week workouts AND upped my calories quite a bit... I think that says a lot.  

First row (Jan) I was 210 pounds, 41% bf and MISERABLE. My own body issues, but I was VERY uncomfortable in my skin. 

Second Row, I was working our 5-6 days a week and losing, 195 lbs and 35.7% bf

Third row: Today, ETF (ZERO restrictions), lifting 2 days a week, 198 lbs and 36.7% bf. 


Moving forward: Going back to 5 days a week lifting heavy things, because I MISS IT. Probably not much HIIT because I hate cardio, trying to eat more veggies, but otherwise ETF. I'm curious to see what happens. It feels like I didn't "lose" much progress wise on my month "off" and I lost very little strength on my lifting, so I'm happy. I'm on board with trying to do what makes me feel good, LISTENING to my body... all around, be it activity, exercise, food, everything.

****************

The BIGGEST change? I have no problem strutting my stuff in the little mini dress, even though TECHNICALLY I'm only like 12 pounds less than in the first pic when I would NOT leave my house without a big jacket/hoodie on, even IN the gym, even when it was literally 115 degrees outside! My WHOLE attitude has changed.

*****************

I just realized that I will turn 42 next month!  I am feeling so great physically (other than injuring myself so easily!!!)... I love where I'm at in my head, with my self esteem and body image.  I hope everyone can learn to love themselves if they haven't yet... it is an incredible feeling!

Measurements... I've lost 19 inches. Damn.

Well, I went to take pictures today... even though its still over a week away from my 'scheduled' 30 day progress pictures.  I mainly wanted to do it because I have been FEELING so different.  I've been feeling like I'm a lot less "fluffy" and I know I"m gaining more muscle and feeling stronger.

Anyway, the photos didn't impress me compared to last month's photos.  I didn't see ANY changes, and what I did see just depressed me.  I am still depressed that I've gotten this far off track.  THEN I went and compared them to my STARTING or "before" pictures.  That was a little more impressive:

I'm not estatic, but I am proud of the fact that I AM changing my body and getting to where I like it more!  I'm more comfortable in my skin... and that's saying a LOT!

ANYWAY, thankfully I took my measurements BEFORE I looked at the pictures (because that was a bit depressing for me to see, even with the changes, I don't like looking at myself that closely!).  I've lost a little over 19 inches.  It isn't quite THAT amazing, because for SOME odd reason that I can't explain, the last time I measured, I had gained inches in a lot of places, even though I had lost weight.  I don't know...

Here are my measurements:

My body fat % has gone down a lot as well, and I can definitely FEEL a difference.  My weight is going down... and honestly, I'm not hitting it as hard as I could as far as fat loss.  For me, quitting grains and quitting drinking was a HUGE, huge thing.  I'm glad that I've quit and it doesn't have a hold on me.  I have to see that as a HUGE victory.  At the end of my 3 months, I want to regroup and plan to get serious about the HIIT cardio and then I'm sure I'll see faster changes.

For now, I'm going to be okay with slower fat loss (than I expected) because I'm THRILLED with the strength training.  I'm thrilled that I'm gaining muscles and getting stronger.  I'm amazed to see the fat coming off without losing much of anything else.  I'm happy with my progress, I just have to remind myself of that every once in a while.  I'm not one of the "12 week body transformation" type winners this time.  Its okay to do what I can, because I AM DOING A LOT!!!

I really hope that I can get to a place in the next two months where I am happy to put on a swim suit, but that's not my be all, end all goal.  I want to make this a habit that I do even when I don't *feel* like it.

I want this to just be my routine.

I'm going to get better about posting my workouts.  I promise!!!  I'm increasing in strength, I'm adding new workouts, its awesome.  I FEEL like I should be seeing more of a change, but for now, I'm feeling good about the changes that I do see.

• I can lift more
• I don't feel so sore that I can't move for days anymore
• I am sleeping well at night... 
• My clothes are fitting better
• I don't feel all bloated and gross like I did most of the time before... 

its GOOD.  I'm making PROGRESS.

Now I just have to work on my emotional self!

WEIGH IN & Workout Update

Weigh In!

Day #1: 210 lbs, bf 40% 

Day #15: 203.5 lbs bf 39.5%

Day #31: 201 bf 38.4%

I needed to see this progress! I felt like I wasn't losing ANYTHING!  
I still have a long way to go, but I'm getting there!

The sports bra in pic #2 is actually tighter than the one in the 1st pic.  Hopefully can have the same clean clothes to photograph from here on out! :)

THIS is the type of thing I need to SEE.  Although in the midst of depression, things can look bleak, even I couldn't completely ignore these numbers.  It feels great to see progress!

I am keeping up with my workouts and getting stronger every week.

I can't tell you how exciting it is for me to see my improvements over time!

     

Day 1

Day 21 

 Through Day 31 (I think I have that right)

The Mood Monster, The Diet Bet & Progress!!!

The Mood Monster

Oh my WORD, you guys, I don't know what is UP.  About a week ago, I started feeling really emotional.  I was really stressed out about finances (what's new), and things were getting tighter and tighter, but my moods seemed to be extreme, even for all of that.

Then my beautiful, blissful SLEEP went away.  Suddenly, instead of falling asleep without trouble at 10:30 or 11... I was still up, tossing and turning until 12:30 or 1:00 and then trying to force myself to sleep only to wake at 3:30 and then again at 5:00...

Yesterday was the worst of the worst.  I woke up feeling awful and I burst into hysterical tears no less than 8 times.  It was ridiculous, but I was losing it.  I kept running to the bathroom and sobbing into a towel.  Between times, I was mostly fine, but Sheesh!

My poor family probably felt like this

GIFSoup

THE GYM

We finally got our butts to the gym, but honestly, I was pretty drained.  I was feeling a little bit hopeless and just irritated.  I was determined to do my workout just out of pure stubbornness.  I think that my facebook page is keeping me accountable, even if I don't have that many followers, I am getting some nice feedback and those people are honestly helping me to stick with it!  The support already means so much. So I did it.  I went to the gym and I did a major bicep/tricep workout... OWW!!!

My Wednesday Workout

As you can see, I suck... really, completely suck at doing cardio.  My son, my workout partner already does an hour of cardio for gym class at school, so he doesn't need to do it, and we almost always have to leave for his practices/work, so I can't do them then.  This means that I need to get off of my ass and do my cardio during the day or *gasp* IN THE MORNING.  I really need to start doing that if I want to lose fat faster (and I DO)...

SO... I entered an online diet bet.  One of the facebook pages that I follow posted this diet bet, and my husband agreed that I should do it, so I entered.

The Anti-Jared Diet Bet

The "bet" is to lose 4% of your body weight in 28 days.  Since it took me a few days to get my photo taken, I have 26 days.  This means that I really need to step up my cardio.  I'm losing body FAT right now, but I'm putting on muscle at a fast enough rate that without cardio, its not going to show on the scale.  Since one of my biggest goals and motivators is fat loss... I want to DO THIS THING!

Progress!!!

One of the things I had to do for the contest was take a before photo on the scales.  This meant that I had to get ON them.  My weight was 202.5.  Although this is only 1 pound down in the last two weeks... when I took my body fat %, I went from 40% to 38.5%!  So I'm losing fat AND gaining lean muscle.  I'm happy.

And sore.  If you want to see my weights/workouts since Sunday... here ya go!

Week 3 Check In Results & Workout, Transformation: Phase 2

Week 3 (My 21 Day Check in) 

Weight 202 (down from 210)  Lost 8 pounds!

Body fat 39% (down from 40%)  Lost 1%

NON Scale Victories?  Why, yes, I have those, too!

• I haven't had even an ounce of alcohol since I started this challenge, and I have been so focused on my health, I haven't even wanted it!
• I have been sleeping really well
• I have managed to catch myself when I'm beating myself up or being negative and I've stopped the thoughts in their tracks.  (Sometimes this takes a bit, and sometimes it doesn't "stick" really well, but I'm on it!)

I'm starting phase two a week early.  I am a little weird about things  and I wanted to get my "months" within actual months.  I know, I'm strange.

Anyway, I've made up a chart for tracking this workout that puts everything together so you can easily see your progress.  This is from Jamie Eason's Live Fit Trainer on Body Building's site.  I just made a few tweaks, mostly because I need to be careful of my back and I don't want two full leg days as my legs are already bulkier than I'd like.   I made copies for my family members who are doing this with me so that they can keep track as well.

Last night was our first workout on Phase 2.  Both my husband and my sports loving 17 year old son went to the gym with me last night, even though we went right  after the Super Bowl started!  That's some dedication, right there!

I had to do assisted pull ups.  I needed 115 pounds of assistance!  Ugh!!!  BUT, that just ups my determination.  I will be able to do some unassisted pull ups by the end of this 12 week challenge!  I was actually sore by the time we left the gym, and was definitely feeling my lats this morning!  Yay for a great workout!

Then... I'll need new goals!

Anyway, I just wanted to share my workout with you... I've been keeping up and doing well!

Don't forget our February Squat Challenge!  I'm keeping up with that, too!

Day #11: ASStastic Workout (oh, and some abs and legs, too)

Tonight is my Lower Body Workout Day

I am definitely a *Pear Shape*... or a mesomorph (& endomorph??) body type.  I tend to be muscular, and I gain muscle easily, but at this age, I am definitely far too good at gaining fat as well.  At any rate, when it comes to working out, I definitely want to build my upper body.  My lower body is definitely holding onto plenty of weight, but even now, a lot of it is muscle.

When I was at my most fit, my legs were thick.  There wasn't a lot of fat, but they were big.  Even at my lowest body fat, my calves were still 15 inches and too big to fit into pretty much any boots (and I love boots!).

Anyway, when I go to build muscle, most of my focus is going to be on my arms, shoulders, abs and back.  My legs can wait... or at least take it easy.  The one area of my lower body that I do want to work on?

That right, ladies, the ass.

Source: skinnyms.com via Byn on Pinterest

I can't tell you how much this shocks me.  Growing up, I always had ample ass--age.  I was called bubble butt throughout my childhood, and through my twenties, I still had the ass.  Even in my thirties.  Somewhere in my 40's, it left me.  Did I not appreciate it enough?  I don't know.  I always assumed it would be there.  One day I flipped to the side in Zumba and caught my reflection in the mirror and thought, "WOW!  These shorts actually make my ass look flat!"

Over the next couple of weeks, I started to take notice... my ass was GONE!

So, now that I'm been getting back in the swing of things, working on my goals, I definitely want my ass back!  As a matter of fact, the other day I was perusing my "Fitness Inspiration" board on Pinterest, and my 14 year old said, "Why are there so many butts on your page?"

Because that is where my lower body focus is going to be.  My husband isn't into boobs.  He isn't one to start drooling or getting that glazed over look when a woman with big boobs bounces by with a plunging neckline (even if its ME), but he certainly likes a nice back view.  This isn't the only reason I want my ass back, but I have to say, it might lend a little extra motivation for me.

All this to say, LOOK AT THIS AWESOME, or should I say ASS-SOME (hahaha) WORKOUT I FOUND!!!

That's right, ladies and gents, tonight, I'm going to work on my back view.  I'll let you know how hard it is to sit and stand tomorrow :)  Have a great workout!

Source: thehautebunny.wordpress.com via Byn on Pinterest

Day #8 Workout: Chest, Shoulders & Triceps

YES!!!  Its GYM DAY AGAIN!  I can't believe how excited I am to get to the gym.  I've done weight lifting in the past before, but I am so easily bored, that I didn't stick with anything consistently.  Another note:  Had I been keeping track of my workout, I know it would have been much easier to stick with it.

**Sunday WEIGH IN:  203 1/2!!!  I've Lost 6 1/2 pounds!

As it was, every time I went to the gym, I would be trying to remember how many reps I did and at what weight.  Now I have everything written down in a google doc.  I print it out (or Patrick pulls it up on his phone).  That way I can see instantly if I am at the same weight or going even higher.  It has been motivating for me just knowing that in a few weeks I'll be able to look back and see a marked improvement!

I can't recommend this enough!  No matter where you're starting, you'll soon see an improvement!  For me, seeing the improvement, be it in my weight, my lifting, my cardio, my measurements, is the BIGGEST motivator to KEEP GOING!!!

My first workout

And one week later: (I was able to increase my weight in some exercises, and add additional workouts to my schedule as well.  PROGRESS!)

What do you use to keep track of your workouts?  I signed up for some apps and online trackers, but in the end, I like my little spreadsheet in googledocs.  I love technology, but when it comes to tracking, I just like a pencil and paper better... I like making my own forms, my own spreadsheets, etc.

Anyway, I was able to up my weight a little in some areas... and that felt awesome!  I went to bed sore and happy!  I forgot to measure today, but I'll do so first thing in the morning!

Day #8-9 of my Awesome Transformation: OUCH!!! Sidelined!!!

Damn it!

Good News:  As of this morning, the Scale is moving DOWN!  I need to weigh at the gym to be sure, but my (somewhat out of whack) scale at home is down more than 5 pounds since last Monday!!!  I actually can't wait to measure tomorrow!

Bad News:  I was tooling around yesterday, being productive around the house.  I almost had the laundry caught up and I was in on my bed, pulling off the fitted sheet... I had just stepped up on the mattress and K came up behind me to scare me, just as I pulled and twisted just *wrong* and I felt a 'pull' in my back.


At the time I thought, "oops, that is going to hurt!" but I had NO IDEA how bad it was going to be. OUCH.  HOLY SHITBALLS!!!  

Last night I sat in my freezing cold room with an ice pack on my back for two hours and it was still hurting.

This morning I could barely get out of bed it hurt so bad.  Walking, sitting, standing, adjusting myself on the couch = HUGE AMOUNTS OF PAIN.  Damn it.

So much for working out.  Before I actually tried to move this morning, I was thinking, "Oh, I can still go to the gym, I'll just work out my shoulders and arms or something.  I'll just avoid using my back/core.  Um... No.  I feel a huge strain on my back doing ANYTHING.  &#$(@*^&)@#^$%#&@_$#  I was doing SO WELL.

Surely this will be better SOON, right?  I really wanted to enter the www.bodybuilding.com contest for body transformations.  I guess you can enter between now and January 31... I want to do this.  You don't have to buy anything to enter, so why not?  I could use the extra motivation!!!  Now, to see if Patrick is up for helping me *that* much!

What do you do for motivation?  What do you do to get past an injury?  I'm trying not to beat myself or be frustrated with myself for being so easily injured.  This is the last year that I am going to let myself be weak and out of shape.  From here on out, I am going to be the "Beast" that my son thinks I am!!!

Day #2 of my Awesome Transformation

Yay! Today I stayed really hydrated. I kept my 51 oz. Cup filled with ice water or cold water and was drinking all day. By the time I went to the gym I was half way through my 4^th cup. That meant there was no cramping on the elliptical. My muscles were burning through the first 5-10 minutes, but then it was much easier. I got my 30 minutes in with little problem and I felt good.

Then we were going to work on legs, but my right knee is still a little... loose feeling, so I wasn't confident enough to do lunges. One of the leg machines were broken, so I did some machines that were like weighted squats and leg lifts.  I'm hoping to find the best exercises for strengthening my knees, as that is what sidelined me early this year.  I don't want to create any setbacks by choosing the wrong thing!

The last machine was freaking HARD.  I felt like I was going to throw up by the end of that.   Then I stretched for a while and we came home for some eggs and cottage cheese.

First Day at the Gym

After almost a YEAR off from working out, I am finally getting back to the gym!  I'm going to get back to myself!!!  (More on my backstory later!)

My upper body is SO sore!!! My husband aka Personal Trainer aka Patrick kicked my ASS at the gym yesterday.  Well, technically, I guess he kicked my upper body.  My ass didn't really figure into things.  I managed 30 minutes on the elliptical, even though my feet were killing me and I was listening to this horrific singer on The Voice... I still kept at it.  Then Patrick put me through several upper body work outs.  I don't even know what exercises I did because I was just in the zone and doing whatever he told me to do:)  I am going to start keeping track on fitocracy, though.  I want to see how far I've come 30 days from now and 60 days from now and... well, you get the picture.

I am feeling SO motivated and excited, though. I have been looking at body transformation photos from women over 40 and I'm inspired. I spent every minute at the gym picturing the "after" photos, especially when it felt like I couldn't possibly do another rep and felt like my arms were going to give out.

I didn't sleep worth crap last night. I didn't even fall asleep until 3:30. I do not know what I'm going to do about my sleep issues. I was hoping that the Armour would help with that, as that seemed to be a symptom that got noticeably worse around the same time as all of my other thyriod symptoms. I think that once I can get over the alcohol not being my sleep aid, the healthy slow carb/no grains eating plan will help tremendously with that. I just need to get through these first weeks without killing anyone. 

Challenge accepted.

Now its time to gear up for day two... lower body and maybe some cardio?  I plan to finish with some Bedtime Yoga that I found on this youtube channel and hope it helps with sleep.

I'm going to start uploading my own videos soon.  I'll be vlogging and doing some cooking videos with clean recipes as well.  Let me know what you'd like to see!