LOVE YOUR BODY NOW! Body Image Obsession, Control Issues and Childhood Abuse...

I've been feeling a lot of pressure lately.  A lot of pressure to 'accept my body' to 'stop obsessing about how I look' and to just 'enjoy the journey of getting healthy'.  Those phrases specifically were starting to really annoy me.  Mostly because I was TRYING to accept my body, and I started to feel like people were judging me for NOT loving myself enough RIGHT THE HELL NOW.

I had people telling me that I needed therapy, I had people getting ANGRY at me for not feeling sexy and JUST ACCEPTING IT RIGHT NOW.  I had one woman tell me in no uncertain terms that I needed to get help because having feelings like I had expressed was abnormal and WRONG... even after dozens of women had answered my original post saying, "I FEEL THIS WAY TOO!"

I saw comments on other peoples' pages expressing the same general idea, "If you don't fully love your body right now, there is something WRONG WITH YOU.  YOU ARE MENTAL, YOU NEED OUTSIDE HELP... THIS IS BAD, YOU ARE WRONG... YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS THIS WAY..." etc.

BULL SHIT.  I know that I am not the only one seeing these messages and feeling this way.  Shaming me and making me feel like some freak of nature is NOT HELPFUL.

Yeah, I see plenty of "love yourself" memes and pictures...

But often instead of seeing THIS:

I SEE THIS:

**I know consciously that is not the INTENTION behind these words/memes

I realized that I was becoming really FURIOUS, over the top angry with people for this.  I realized that I was overreacting, mostly (I thought) because I had been TRYING to overcome my shame about my body, my shame about being fat.  For the last two years, I scoured self help sites, looking for some way to accept the fact that my body had accumulated this extra fat.  Looking at myself in the mirror did not help.  I just felt worse.  Repeating mantras over and over about how much I loved and accepted myself weren't helping.

All of the "Don't let the MEDIA tell you how you should look!!!" doesn't fit for me, either.  Hell, my IDEAL body STILL wouldn't fit the media ideal anyway!

I had to leave some groups/unlike some 'encouraging pages' because they were starting to trigger this deep seated response in me that I couldn't figure out, and it was having an effect on my day to day life, depression, my ability to enjoy ANYTHING and especially my ability to keep on moving on a path that I know I believe in.

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Trigger Warning

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I finally, through a conversation with my very frustrated husband, dug down deep enough to try to explain that my "body image obsession" wasn't even all about my body.  It was about my WHOLE SELF.  It was about CONTROL when I'm feeling overwhelmed by life stresses.

First off, my whole body image obsession thing is just as much a coping mechanism as anything else. At times when life gets too stressful, that is the only thing that I have ever been able to actually control. Be it my growing up years, years of sexual abuse in my childhood, bullying in elementary school, being ostracized throughout middle and high school, or even just stressful adult years... the only thing I often have always felt like I was in control of is what I eat, what exercise I do, etc.  

When I first started asking my mom questions about my childhood (without telling her that I was asking because I was having memories of sexual abuse), she told me that when we lived in WI with [her boyfriend, one of my abusers], that she always found food stashed and hidden in my room... [her boyfriend] could come to my room at night and take control of me, but he couldn't force me to eat at meal times.

I don't remember why, but I know that there are certain foods that cause a deep seated reaction in me. Tomato soup, for instance.  One of my vivid memories as a young child is being at my aunt's house because she was watching me and making tomato soup.  I can't even stand the smell of tomato soup without wanting to vomit.  Ever.  I don't have any specific memories of abuse at her house, just an overwhelming feeling of... discomfort, grossness, yuck.

I remember food being a control issue for me all through middle school and high school as well.  My mom could worry, my step dad could yell, but they couldn't force me to eat.  Boys could pressure me, grope me, try to take advantage (or take advantage), but they couldn't control what *I* chose to eat, how I chose to treat my own body.

I had very few friends and was often at odds with them because I didn't play the power trip games well.  I might not have had any control over anything else in my life, but I could control what food I put in my body.  I could punish myself with food or lack of food, I could make myself forget the stress going on around me, in my home life, with the emotional abuse and just dark cloud that was always hanging around by focusing on food.  Controlling food.  Making myself starve, making myself exercise until I slept.

In ADDITION to all of the 'don't be fat' mantra that I told myself/heard all the time.  It was something my mom and aunts (on my mother's side) were always obsessed about.  In that family, the thin people were 'good', the overweight people were people to feel sorry for.

So the whole, food=control aka being thin/fit=good, wanted, etc... the fact that I have totally lost control over that (aka, I got *fat*) has been a HUGE source of stress for me for the last few years ON TOP OF the actual body image, just the fact that I've lost the ability to even control what my body is doing/looks like? That's a pretty deeply seated fucking deal. (Yes, I'm 42 years old and my childhood shit is rearing its head AGAIN. I know.)

So no, its not just about body image... its about the fact that it FEELS LIKE everything is crumbling around me all the fucking time and there isn't a damned thing I can do about it.  Even knowing that RATIONALLY, my life is okay and things will get better/be fine, all of the accumulated stresses (even just the financial shit) really sends me SUBCONSCIOUSLY into the whole lifetime routine of focusing all of my stress onto my body, my 'willpower', my self control... Its not as simple as "Just love your body right now"...  I need to figure out how to reset these deeply ingrained thought patterns in my head.  

And its just not as simple as "love your body the way it is right now"  I wish it was.  I DO think its possible to heal from this, to FIX this, but I need a different focus, a different message... and I WILL find it.

And that is enough rambling for today.  Sorry for the disorganized stream of thought rambling... I'm trying to figure things out.

Measurements... I've lost 19 inches. Damn.

Well, I went to take pictures today... even though its still over a week away from my 'scheduled' 30 day progress pictures.  I mainly wanted to do it because I have been FEELING so different.  I've been feeling like I'm a lot less "fluffy" and I know I"m gaining more muscle and feeling stronger.

Anyway, the photos didn't impress me compared to last month's photos.  I didn't see ANY changes, and what I did see just depressed me.  I am still depressed that I've gotten this far off track.  THEN I went and compared them to my STARTING or "before" pictures.  That was a little more impressive:

I'm not estatic, but I am proud of the fact that I AM changing my body and getting to where I like it more!  I'm more comfortable in my skin... and that's saying a LOT!

ANYWAY, thankfully I took my measurements BEFORE I looked at the pictures (because that was a bit depressing for me to see, even with the changes, I don't like looking at myself that closely!).  I've lost a little over 19 inches.  It isn't quite THAT amazing, because for SOME odd reason that I can't explain, the last time I measured, I had gained inches in a lot of places, even though I had lost weight.  I don't know...

Here are my measurements:

My body fat % has gone down a lot as well, and I can definitely FEEL a difference.  My weight is going down... and honestly, I'm not hitting it as hard as I could as far as fat loss.  For me, quitting grains and quitting drinking was a HUGE, huge thing.  I'm glad that I've quit and it doesn't have a hold on me.  I have to see that as a HUGE victory.  At the end of my 3 months, I want to regroup and plan to get serious about the HIIT cardio and then I'm sure I'll see faster changes.

For now, I'm going to be okay with slower fat loss (than I expected) because I'm THRILLED with the strength training.  I'm thrilled that I'm gaining muscles and getting stronger.  I'm amazed to see the fat coming off without losing much of anything else.  I'm happy with my progress, I just have to remind myself of that every once in a while.  I'm not one of the "12 week body transformation" type winners this time.  Its okay to do what I can, because I AM DOING A LOT!!!

I really hope that I can get to a place in the next two months where I am happy to put on a swim suit, but that's not my be all, end all goal.  I want to make this a habit that I do even when I don't *feel* like it.

I want this to just be my routine.

I'm going to get better about posting my workouts.  I promise!!!  I'm increasing in strength, I'm adding new workouts, its awesome.  I FEEL like I should be seeing more of a change, but for now, I'm feeling good about the changes that I do see.

• I can lift more
• I don't feel so sore that I can't move for days anymore
• I am sleeping well at night... 
• My clothes are fitting better
• I don't feel all bloated and gross like I did most of the time before... 

its GOOD.  I'm making PROGRESS.

Now I just have to work on my emotional self!

Day #5 of my Awesome Transformation: Insomnia Improving!

Insomnia:  It still took me a while to get to sleep last night, and although I woke late this morning, I felt like I had ACTUALLY SLEPT.  That is huge.  I still had tons of dreams and some of them were a little bothersome, but I slept!  Yay me!!!

Then I woke up to two huge piles of dog shit in the house because my kids all slept in, too.  No, I didn't just wake up to it, I STEPPED IN IT.  I must say that its a testament to the fact that I must have slept pretty freaking well, because stepping in a big pile of cold dog shit first thing in the morning didn't elicit either yelling or cussing from me.  Not even under my breath!  

Having big sweet dogs that apparently don't feel like they should wake the kids to let them out has its downfalls.  I think I'll scrounge around for alarm clocks for the kids for Christmas, because that was gross.

Working Out:  *emailing whenever with my P.T. a perk of being married to him?

Me:  What are we working on today? Just wondering.  I was going to plan on a PiYo either this afternoon or before bed...
Patrick:  Plan a strength-centric PiYo.  I'm going to make you hate me through the vehicle of cardio machines tonight :)

P.T. knowing when and how to best kick my ass?  A downside to being married to your personal trainer?  Or a perk?

I'll report back on how badly he kicks my ass later tonight.

For now I'm focusing on Goal Setting and Tracking Progress.  I'm trying to find the best way to track my progress, to make sure that I'm actually keeping up with things and paying attention to progress.  I am measuring every Tuesday.  I weigh every morning, but my scales are very crappy and can vacillate within 5+ pounds within the same two minute period, so I don't hold much with those.  In addition to that, though, I want to make sure that I track my strength as well.  A month from now, I want to be able to look back and see how much stronger I am... how much longer I can hold a plank or how many more reps/weight I can do with a particular exercise.  Being able to see progress is HUGE for me.  It is one of my biggest motivators.  After all, who wants to kick their ass day after day for nothing?  Not me.

Tracking:  I'm trying to decide if I want to stick with an online program like Fitocracy or Spark People, or if I just want to create my own printable workout logs and chart them on my own.  I like the idea of an online app, but I don't like the lack of choices when it comes to work outs.  Maybe I just haven't figured them out yet.  What do you use?  In some ways I'm almost partial to pen and paper.  I can always upload it into a google doc or something.  I don't know.  I can't figure it out!!!

I'd be happy with THIS size, and this was after I'd already gained nearly 30 pounds when my metabolism crashed on me.

Secondly, I'm trying to figure out What My Goals Are.  Because I don't have much of a clue.  I want to get back to my prior 'fit' state, but I don't know how to quantify that.  I also don't know what kind of time frame to put on any of it.  This is so confusing!  I definitely need goals, though.

For now, I'm going to make my Top Five CHANGES that I want to make:

1. Drink at least four 52 oz. glasses of ice water every day
2. Take my supplements EVERY morning
3. Eat protein within 30 minutes of waking every morning
4. Stop drinking alcohol & Change bedtime routine/habits and learn to sleep without it.
5. Stick with exercise plan set by trainer and PiYo/Yoga at least 3-4 times a week, either for strength or relaxation before bed.

What are your goals?  If you don't have any set in stone yet, what changes do you want to make?   Let me know in the comments, and link to your blog if you're blogging about health, fitness, nutrition or weight loss!

Day #4: Part Two: Late Night Workout

Because of our schedules yesterday, we didn't have the opportunity to go to the gym until 9:30 last night.  Since Patrick gets up as early as 5:30 in the morning, I didn't expect to get to the gym.  He surprised me by coming home and getting ready to go.

We went to the gym at 9:30 and I hit the elliptical for 20 minutes for a warm up.  I felt fine, but my HR is still getting higher than he likes it.  Then he had me rest to see what my heart rate recovery was.  These are his notes:

20 Min Cardio on Eliptical.  HR @ end of cardio *after a cool down 156.  HR @ end of 3 Min rest 126.  Need to improve HR Recovery rate.

Front Raise @ 8 Lb @ 20 reps, three sets

Lateral Raise @ 5 lb @ 20 reps, three sets

Lateral shoulder abduction on cable machine @ 15 lb @ 20 reps, two sets

Front Pull-down (opposite of lateral raise) on cable machine @ 45 lb @ 20 reps, two sets.

Plank on hands to failure.  1 min rest. Plank on elbows to failure.  1 min rest.

Leg raise w/ hands under lower back - 10 raises followed by hold for 30 count, 10 more raises followed by hold for 30 count, alternating leg raises (scissors) @ 20 count, hold heels off floor to failure.

Hip raise with feet on Bosu ball to failure.

Side leg lifts x 20 followed by hold for 45 seconds, both sides.

Reverse flies on 45 degree stand, 20 @ 8 lb followed by 20 @ 5 lb

Front flies on cable machine @ 30 lb to failure (about 35 or so).

Stretch.

(I wish I had the time on the planks and hip raises, although I'm sure my planks were totally pathetic.  I can not believe how much strength and aerobic fitness I've lost.  Its a little depressing)

My legs were cramping up a lot during the hip raises and the leg lifts, but I managed to get through it.  I'm surprised that I'm not more sore this morning.

Alcohol:  Still NO cravings.  What the hell?  I've apparently hit that perfect mind/body/diet connection and things are going so much more smoothly!  Whoo Hoo!!!  This is significant and I'm very very VERY happy about this change!  Read more about alcohol's affect on your metabolism/cheat day/leptin levels.

Anyway... onto today, December 20, 2012, Day #5 of my Awesome Transformation!