LOVE YOUR BODY NOW! Body Image Obsession, Control Issues and Childhood Abuse...

I've been feeling a lot of pressure lately.  A lot of pressure to 'accept my body' to 'stop obsessing about how I look' and to just 'enjoy the journey of getting healthy'.  Those phrases specifically were starting to really annoy me.  Mostly because I was TRYING to accept my body, and I started to feel like people were judging me for NOT loving myself enough RIGHT THE HELL NOW.

I had people telling me that I needed therapy, I had people getting ANGRY at me for not feeling sexy and JUST ACCEPTING IT RIGHT NOW.  I had one woman tell me in no uncertain terms that I needed to get help because having feelings like I had expressed was abnormal and WRONG... even after dozens of women had answered my original post saying, "I FEEL THIS WAY TOO!"

I saw comments on other peoples' pages expressing the same general idea, "If you don't fully love your body right now, there is something WRONG WITH YOU.  YOU ARE MENTAL, YOU NEED OUTSIDE HELP... THIS IS BAD, YOU ARE WRONG... YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS THIS WAY..." etc.

BULL SHIT.  I know that I am not the only one seeing these messages and feeling this way.  Shaming me and making me feel like some freak of nature is NOT HELPFUL.

Yeah, I see plenty of "love yourself" memes and pictures...

But often instead of seeing THIS:

I SEE THIS:

**I know consciously that is not the INTENTION behind these words/memes

I realized that I was becoming really FURIOUS, over the top angry with people for this.  I realized that I was overreacting, mostly (I thought) because I had been TRYING to overcome my shame about my body, my shame about being fat.  For the last two years, I scoured self help sites, looking for some way to accept the fact that my body had accumulated this extra fat.  Looking at myself in the mirror did not help.  I just felt worse.  Repeating mantras over and over about how much I loved and accepted myself weren't helping.

All of the "Don't let the MEDIA tell you how you should look!!!" doesn't fit for me, either.  Hell, my IDEAL body STILL wouldn't fit the media ideal anyway!

I had to leave some groups/unlike some 'encouraging pages' because they were starting to trigger this deep seated response in me that I couldn't figure out, and it was having an effect on my day to day life, depression, my ability to enjoy ANYTHING and especially my ability to keep on moving on a path that I know I believe in.

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Trigger Warning

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I finally, through a conversation with my very frustrated husband, dug down deep enough to try to explain that my "body image obsession" wasn't even all about my body.  It was about my WHOLE SELF.  It was about CONTROL when I'm feeling overwhelmed by life stresses.

First off, my whole body image obsession thing is just as much a coping mechanism as anything else. At times when life gets too stressful, that is the only thing that I have ever been able to actually control. Be it my growing up years, years of sexual abuse in my childhood, bullying in elementary school, being ostracized throughout middle and high school, or even just stressful adult years... the only thing I often have always felt like I was in control of is what I eat, what exercise I do, etc.  

When I first started asking my mom questions about my childhood (without telling her that I was asking because I was having memories of sexual abuse), she told me that when we lived in WI with [her boyfriend, one of my abusers], that she always found food stashed and hidden in my room... [her boyfriend] could come to my room at night and take control of me, but he couldn't force me to eat at meal times.

I don't remember why, but I know that there are certain foods that cause a deep seated reaction in me. Tomato soup, for instance.  One of my vivid memories as a young child is being at my aunt's house because she was watching me and making tomato soup.  I can't even stand the smell of tomato soup without wanting to vomit.  Ever.  I don't have any specific memories of abuse at her house, just an overwhelming feeling of... discomfort, grossness, yuck.

I remember food being a control issue for me all through middle school and high school as well.  My mom could worry, my step dad could yell, but they couldn't force me to eat.  Boys could pressure me, grope me, try to take advantage (or take advantage), but they couldn't control what *I* chose to eat, how I chose to treat my own body.

I had very few friends and was often at odds with them because I didn't play the power trip games well.  I might not have had any control over anything else in my life, but I could control what food I put in my body.  I could punish myself with food or lack of food, I could make myself forget the stress going on around me, in my home life, with the emotional abuse and just dark cloud that was always hanging around by focusing on food.  Controlling food.  Making myself starve, making myself exercise until I slept.

In ADDITION to all of the 'don't be fat' mantra that I told myself/heard all the time.  It was something my mom and aunts (on my mother's side) were always obsessed about.  In that family, the thin people were 'good', the overweight people were people to feel sorry for.

So the whole, food=control aka being thin/fit=good, wanted, etc... the fact that I have totally lost control over that (aka, I got *fat*) has been a HUGE source of stress for me for the last few years ON TOP OF the actual body image, just the fact that I've lost the ability to even control what my body is doing/looks like? That's a pretty deeply seated fucking deal. (Yes, I'm 42 years old and my childhood shit is rearing its head AGAIN. I know.)

So no, its not just about body image... its about the fact that it FEELS LIKE everything is crumbling around me all the fucking time and there isn't a damned thing I can do about it.  Even knowing that RATIONALLY, my life is okay and things will get better/be fine, all of the accumulated stresses (even just the financial shit) really sends me SUBCONSCIOUSLY into the whole lifetime routine of focusing all of my stress onto my body, my 'willpower', my self control... Its not as simple as "Just love your body right now"...  I need to figure out how to reset these deeply ingrained thought patterns in my head.  

And its just not as simple as "love your body the way it is right now"  I wish it was.  I DO think its possible to heal from this, to FIX this, but I need a different focus, a different message... and I WILL find it.

And that is enough rambling for today.  Sorry for the disorganized stream of thought rambling... I'm trying to figure things out.

WHOA: Eye Opening Conversation about my "Low Carb" Atkin's Diet Days (How NOT to raise kids with a bad self image!!!)

When my kids were younger, we used to live on the road.  We lived in a 40 ft bus and traveled the US for about three years.  I painted and etched on motorcycles at rallies for our income and we stopped and explored the country between those stops.  I remember it as being an amazing adventure.  The rest of the family does, too...

I am second in the back row, I'm even wearing a bikini.

Our home, sweet home.

Today I was talking to my 18 year old son about Krispy Kreme donuts (I don't know why it came up, we talk about everything) and I said, "Oh, I remember back when I did the Atkins low carb diet years ago.  I went with no grains, no sugar and ate pretty much only meat and vegetables for 2 years."

**Note, I have always remembered this as my "Skinny" time.  I thought I was just FABULOUSLY happy with my 'thin' self.  I wore a size 3-5, I thought I was doing amazing things and I only had another ten pounds or so to lose...and I would be 'happy' (of course).  People always told me how fabulous I looked for having five kids, etc.  I also didn't exercise at all.  Nada.  My back always hurt.  I couldn't sleep then, either, but I was THIN.**

And yet I still have hardly any photos...

My son looked at me and said, "Was that when we lived on the bus?"  (Remember, he was 6-8 at the time!!!  This was TEN YEARS AGO)  When I nodded, he said, "Oh my god.  I remember that.  You were SUCH an UNPLEASANT individual then!!!"

I was... shocked.  I couldn't believe that he not only remembered that time...

but remembered that I was that unpleasant because of my DIET.

He was 6-8 years old, and his memory of me for those years is that I was always in a bad mood and angry and unpleasant... because I "couldn't eat anything fun".

Wow.  That was eye opening.  So I looked thin, yeah.  I felt pleased with my appearance because I looked skinny and wore a small size.  But my kids remember me as just being unhappy.  

And in the end... I ended up getting a "treat" of Krispy Kreme donuts for my birthday after two years of "being good"... and I binged.  I ate most of the BOX of a dozen donuts.  Then I ate more.  As I told him, 

"I not only fell off the wagon, I think I ate the wagon, too, because when I came to, there was no wagon anywhere to be seen..."

In the years since then, I did find that I do best eating less grains, little wheat, and sticking with very little sugars.  The grains seem to make my digestion feel cranky if I eat them a lot and consistently.  Sugars tend to give me headaches and make me tired.  I have stopped labeling them as "good" or "bad" and I can have them in moderation now without beating myself up and without needing to eat everything in sight and surprise... they don't affect me negatively when I don't binge on them!

I do better with more protein and less carbs.  I still eat plenty of carbs, I just know that I need to pair it with protein if its in the form of refined carbs.  Instead of setting some strict diet dogma to follow, I am just paying attention to how food makes me FEEL.  I eat what makes me feel best (and I DO need carbs... and plenty of them if I want to have energy to workout!) and even at times eat things that don't make me feel the best, but I enjoy the food, enjoy the company and enjoy celebrations without 'rules' and without 'cheating'.  It has been life changing.

The most important thing, though, is that I'm developing a HEALTHY, SANE relationship with food.  And my body.  Is it always easy?  No.  But its worth it.  The changes might be slow, but they're coming. 

The best part?  My kids are seeing that I'm on a healthy path.  I'm much more stable emotionally.  I can participate in desserts and celebrations without inhaling everything in sight or without being near tears and cranky because I won't allow myself to "cheat".  They go to the gym with me, or join us for PiYo on the back deck.  They see that I'm taking care of myself to be healthy, instead of beating myself up trying to some form of "perfect looks"...

My son and I this summer... my beast of a workout partner 

(although at that time, I was benching as much as he was!)

I like to think that I'm having a much more positive impact on them... and on myself.

Results are awesome, yes, 

but the journey counts.

A lot.

How I am Healing my Metabolism...

No matter what *diet*/workout plan I have followed, I have always been on a mission to find what worked for ME... sometimes obsessively, often times unhealthily, but always searching for the answers that would ft MY body. All the while not even LISTENING TO MY OWN BODY, but trying to force it into some mold that promised the answers/look I wanted.  I mostly avoided photos when I was "fat", so I don't have a lot of range... but these photos encompass over a decade... looking at them now, sometimes I know I felt like I was MUCH bigger than I was, and I wish I could have just appreciated life instead of always feeling like I needed to be "fixed"... its frustrating to me that I'm STILL fighting that need to fix my body to LOOK better instead of just trying to find a healthy place...

It wasn't until I was forcefully downed with several health issues and overuse injuries that I was finally able to STOP and start listening to those who had already been there and had been trying to help me along the way. 

After several months of "refeeding" and trying to heal my metabolism by STOPPING the insane "Diet Train" I was on. Weight lifting and learning to eat enough to fuel my workouts and my daily activities. It has been a struggle! 

Yesterday I was feeling horrible and crappy about myself, my lack of progress and just feeling generally ick. I KNEW it was in large part because I haven't been sleeping well, I am bloated and PMS-y, but I was really feeling down and decided to post here and be real.

The support I got, both in comments and private messages really helped a lot. Knowing that I'm not alone in this is a really good thing, and I'm glad I started this page. The reminders that I'm doing this in a far different way this time than ever before caused me to go back and LOOK.

I AM making progress. Yes, it is SLOWER than I would like... but slow and steady is more likely to stick with me this time, and in the long run, I'd rather have slow and steady! Anyway, I looked at some photos and realized that although my changes have been minimal the last few months, I have come a long way since the beginning of the year. I also know that I'm tired and cranky and need to get back to my smoothies, because that made me feel SO much better. I am going to keep working and ignore the scale, the mirrors and anything else until this PMS/perioding phase is over this month. Then I will take photos and reassess. 

I have to admit that these pictures depressed me a little bit. I still have SO much bloating in the stomach area... messed up eating for decades really screwed with my metabolism (imagine that), but I AM healing that, so it is OKAY. 

It is not the end of the world, and within a couple of months, it will all be gone, healed and healthy. My back is DEFINITELY changing a lot, though, and I am definitely getting stronger. My legs are changing, too, but since I only have this little camera that won't work on a tripod because the battery keeps falling out, you'll have to wait for that!

But most importantly, my emotional and MENTAL self is healing.  A lot.  I am getting better.  I am getting stronger.  I can lift heavier things, and I can fight off those annoying voices in my head that want me to be miserable, that want to beat me up for not fitting my 'perfect' image.  

I am HEALING.  It is a good thing.

NSV: Non Scale Victory: My Scale Doesn't Always Show my Progress... DEFINITELY TRUE!

NSV:  I've been feeling frustrated with my lack of visible progress, so I went and looked back through some of the first pages in my workout notebook... Wow.  I had forgotten some things.  My first week at the gym, I couldn't make it 8 minutes on the elliptical (and that was with a 5 minute WARM UP!) and was literally in tears, feeling like a failure.  I could only do squats with a 30lb dumbbell and split squats with NO weight nearly killed me.  I pulled my back out seriously within the first few days of my workout and was out for three and a half weeks...

And yet, I still went back.  I started again.  I have to admit, I wore a big baggy sweatshirt to the gym ALWAYS.  I couldn't look in the mirror and I left the gym those first few weeks feeling like I would never see a change.  I was in tears more often than not as I left.

BUT I KEPT GOING.  Six months later:
My 55lb bench press is now 110#for three sets of 10.
My deadlift of 40lbs is now 110 for 3 sets of 8
My ZERO weighted hip thrusts are now done with 70lbs
My lat pulldown of 70lbs is now 120 for 3 sets of 8
My cable rows went from 50 to 100lbs
My 1 arm DB row went from 20 to 40lbs

At many times in my life, those first few weeks would have made me give up.  I am so glad that I didn't let those set backs keep me from progressing.  I'm continually learning, I'm continually getting stronger and I feel really proud of my accomplishments.  I love getting strong and feeling better about myself.  If I can do it... anyone can.

And then I have to remind myself that I HAVE seen a LOT of physical changes.  I may have stalled currently on the weight loss, but I need to remember that for me, anyway, my weight loss always seems to do that.  I build and build and then suddenly *BOOM* there is a sudden drop in weight and body fat.  That's just how my body works.

Besides, there is something to be said for going from someone who was too ashamed to go out in public without sweats and a hoodie to cover herself up... to the woman rocking this dress:

I also want to note that without my workout partner (especially Marie), I wouldn't have been able to keep up with this.  It is SO great to have a workout partner and I encourage you to find someone to workout with, if you don't already have someone!

PMS, Eating the Food and Learning that its OKAY to Let Yourself Cry.

*Ladies TMI* I need to remember that my emotional state is severely affected by hormones towards the END of my period rather than right before like 'back in the day'.  I started noticing this shift a few years ago (I'm 42) and its only gotten more severe lately.

My period starts and forgetting that I JUST went through this a month ago, I think, "Wow!!!  My period started and I didn't have any emotional meltdowns!!!"

Then by the middle of the period, I feel super fat and bloated and it hits me HARD emotionally.  I struggle and flounder for a few days of arguing with myself, "No, I am NOT going to feel bad about myself damn it!" "YES I AM.  I FEEL FATTTTTT"

Then it peaks about the last day of my period and I keep bursting into tears over nothing and everything and my mind bounces around trying to find something happy/peaceful to land on and I just cry instead.

Yesterday was my super emotional day.  Which also fell on my birthday.  Which also fell during a visit from my brother and dad (Severely dysfunction family and childhood issues abound) that left me feeling... *dark* for lack of a better word.

I was feeling bad ABOUT feeling bad and starting to really cycle down into the self abuse cycle when some friends reminded me that it is perfectly OKAY to feel sad and just cry.  IT IS NORMAL TO FEEL SAD SOMETIMES.

So I did.  I just let myself feel sad.  And then I had some birthday drinks and I slept like a rock.  I woke up this morning feeling like I had literally lost ten pounds over night.  The period bloating is gone, my emotional surge feels done and I didn't *fix* it by trying to stuff everything down!  I feel like this is progress!!!

OH!  One other thing, I was craving chocolate like MAD all weekend and through yesterday.  Even though I no longer keep foods on a restricted list and could have had it at any time, I just had probably 4 chocolate zucchini muffins and one small cup of ice cream over the entire FIVE DAYS of perioding!!!  Not restricting is helping me so much.  Usually I would have used the hormones/pms as a 'screw this! I'm eating it because I feel horrible and I *deserve* it.'  This time, since I knew I could just have it whenever I wanted, I just kept thinking, "eh, I'll just get something later".  I took the *Treat* factor out of it for myself.  I LOVE THIS.

Tonight is workout #3 from "The Beautiful Badass Workout" by Nia Shanks

Setting Daily Goals for Positive Visualization to change my Body, my Self Image and My Life.

Today is my birthday.  I am 42 years old.  I have spent almost 4 decades being horrible to myself, refusing to love myself outside of some 'perfect' nearly unattainable physical goal.

I am done with that.  

Singing "Baby Got Back" with two of my kids at my birthday party and just enjoying my friends and my party.  PMSing, bloated... and yet I was able to just let go and have FUN and make a REALLY memorable night for myself, my friends and my family.  Any other year, I would have stayed home by myself and been miserable because I was allowing my self loathing to dictate that I didn't "deserve" to have fun and be around people unless I was at my "goal weight" and looked "good enough."  Fuck that noise!!!  No more!!!

Does that mean I'm giving up on my health, getting fitter, more muscular and leaner?

Absofuckinglutely NOT.

It means I am through waiting for "the perfect body" before I'll love myself.  I am never going to change my body by hating it, beating it up and always looking at myself as fat, unattractive and worthless.  From now on I am going to retrain my thoughts to think positively about myself.  I am going to feel beautiful and just get sexier every day. 

Goals:

• Workout (Free download: Beautiful Badass by Nia Shanks) three days a week.  Lift HEAVY.  Get STRONG.
• Use visualization during workouts.  Be focused and purposeful.
• Meditation for at least 15 minutes a day.  (3 times a day for 5 minutes each, probably, as I'm not very good at sitting still).
• Keep the house clean (this helps my stress level immensely if I don't have to walk around looking at mess)
• Blog 3 days a week: Day One:  Creative Visualization Exercises/Challenges, Day Two:   Fitness/Progress Pics/Workouts, etc., Day Three:  Non Scale Victories/Personal realizations

Share your goals with me!  What would you like to accomplish on a daily/weekly basis?

Creative Visualization in Practice: My First Time using Shakti Gawain's techniques

As I posted yesterday, I read the book "Creative Visualization" after a few months of really feeling that the positive thinking area is where I needed to focus my attention to make serious changes in my life.  Today I did my first guided meditation, using the methods of meditating in that book.  It was a lot mroe intense than I expected.

STRANGE.  

Or it was the subliminal 'stress relief' audio.

At first it was really easy, relaxing.  I did the grounding exercise and found it really easy to visualize the roots going into the ground, but I couldn't visualize the connect through the head/universe thing.  

I finally just left that and started on the energy points.  That felt easy.  Just hitting each energy point and feeling it come 'on' down, then up, then back down from head, throat, chest, midsection, pelvis & feet and then up again.  That felt so easy and 'right' that I used that whenever I found myself being distracted.

I started out with some of the affirmations, 

Infinite riches are now flowing into my life

Everything is coming to me easily and effortlessly

I have a firm, sexy body

As money/financial stress is the biggest stress in my life right now, and I believe it has had a huge impact on my weight gain (constant stress fatigues the adrenals) that is my MAIN focus.  I need that stress gone so that I can get healthy.

Then I started visualizing having $2,000.00.  Extra, unexpected money.  I counted it in my hands, showed it to the kids, posted about it on livejournal and on my blog.  I then tried laying it out on the table and kept feeling blocked, so I went back tot he energy points for a while, then came back and laid the money out on the couch and counted it.  I used half of it to pay back part of a loan and half to pay bills and felt SO MUCH RELIEF.

I then watched my husband as he went about his day and saw him finding money in random, unexpected places. On the ground at the gas station where he stops to get gas, on a sidewalk, on the floor of the mail truck, odd places. Once it even floated onto his windshield as you were delivering mail.  Some loose change, some dollar bills, a roll of money that had a twenty and a ten dollar bill in it.

Then I remembered about finding the 'safe place' or whatever it was called.  I found myself sitting on the beach watching the kids play in the ocean with you sitting beside me.  I felt deeply content and at peace.

Then I remembered that I had wanted to have my secret place be a secluded waterfall :) so I started to go there instead, but then suddenly (this is really really weird) my husband and I were in a basket type thing (like in a hot air balloon, but on a zip line instead) high in some tropical mountains and I FREAKED OUT in the basket.  SO much so that my first thought was to jump out because surely death was preferable to feeling that much fear and anxiety.

That was SO strange to me that I decided at that point to not have a secret place right now and I went back to the energy points again.  I did that over and over until I felt calm and then went back to seeing you at work.  I ran my hand over your shoulder and visualized heat and healing to your shoulder ...

Holy god this sounds so freaking weird... seriously.  This is WEIRD to write, but its what my brain did, so I want to write it down.)  Never having done this in a purposeful way before, I just let my mind go where it wanted for the most part as I tried some of the exercises that I remembered from the "Creative Visualization" book.

Anyway, I visualized running my hands over my husband's head, down the back of his head and over his shoulder.  I did that over and over for a while and it felt so real that I started to wonder if he was feeling it. :)  I can't tell you how much I want him to be pain free (he has an old shoulder injury that has nearly disabled him).  I spent a bit of time there, trying things that seemed helpful.

Body Imagery

Then I visualized myself, starting at my feet and working my way up, then stalled so I started at the top of my head.  I visualized my skin smoothing (almost like photo editing:), extra fat melting away, spots melting away, muscle definition showing up.  I started from the top and worked my way down and then back up the backside.  This seemed to take a while and felt really difficult at times, but once I refocused, I was able to finish the whole process.

And now my mind just blanked.  I don't know what else happened.  At some point soon thereafter I just started feeling anxiety and stress, so I just brought myself out of that state and got up.

The cat was meowing, so I let her out and felt incredible amounts of stress so I locked the door.  It felt very weird, so I came back to our room to write this out before I forgot.  I turned off the subliminal stress relief and typed this up.  

That's where I am.  I feel excited to see the effects of this process.

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NOT Eating the Food and Emotional Melt Downs.

Yesterday turned into an emotional melt down. Quite likely because I didn't eat much and when I did, I was desperate, in a hurry and eating food from a convenience store that I KNOW tends to make me feel crappy. 

I had a couple of things that I needed to do that turned into what felt like a million things to do and I was just rushing all over the place. I kept forgetting to take my water with me, so I was dehydrated. 

By the end of the day, I was an emotional wreck. I was exhausted, I felt like my body was disgusting and I just wanted to cry.

I tried looking at progress photos to remind myself that I AM getting there, I AM making progress, but last night, all I saw was fat and disgusting and I just wanted to beat myself up more.

Today I can look at these photos and see that yeah, I'm not where I want to be at the end, but I AM making progress.  I am growing muscles and I'm IMPROVING every week!

I REALLY think most of my emotional meltdown was about the food I ate. I didn't have hardly any money, so I ended up eating a snickers bar and 2 corn dogs. I think I might have had a shake at home, and I had a bit of protein when I first woke up... and that was it. I didn't eat hardly anything. I also didn't make it to the gym because I was literally running errands/shuttling people around all day.

Today is a new day. I had bacon and eggs for breakfast and today has already 'felt' better 

Fuel your body in ways that make it feel GOOD, in ways that make you feel good and give you the energy to move to make yourself feel even better!

Have a fabulous day!!! I'm going to! I'm going to feel great about myself, I'm going to use this body to clean my house and prepare for a big birthday bash this weekend for my husband and I (we're 6 days apart) So HAVE A FABULOUS DAY and LOVE YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT and because I said so!

Mwah!!! (I'm feeling a little sassy today:)

My Five Months lifting and "Eating the Food" 'progress'

My lifting and "Eating the Food" 'progress' thus far.

Here we go... *gulp* I started lifting in mid-to late January. I had to take it easy for the first month as I was coming off of a back injury, but I started lifting 3-5 days a week. Soon I was lifting 5-6 days a week with 1 hour workouts and I really really LOVE lifting. No cardio.
During April I started "Eating the Food" (not that I was really purposefully restricting anything other than grains before that, but I DEFINITELY wasn't eating enough because I just didn't know!)

In May I added some little bursts of HIIT cardio during my lifting, but took the workouts down to 2 days a week because I was on my feet all weekends for Ren Faire.  So while there isn't a LOT of progress from the second to third row, the fact that there wasn't much decline when I took over a month off from 5-6 day a week workouts AND upped my calories quite a bit... I think that says a lot.  

First row (Jan) I was 210 pounds, 41% bf and MISERABLE. My own body issues, but I was VERY uncomfortable in my skin. 

Second Row, I was working our 5-6 days a week and losing, 195 lbs and 35.7% bf

Third row: Today, ETF (ZERO restrictions), lifting 2 days a week, 198 lbs and 36.7% bf. 


Moving forward: Going back to 5 days a week lifting heavy things, because I MISS IT. Probably not much HIIT because I hate cardio, trying to eat more veggies, but otherwise ETF. I'm curious to see what happens. It feels like I didn't "lose" much progress wise on my month "off" and I lost very little strength on my lifting, so I'm happy. I'm on board with trying to do what makes me feel good, LISTENING to my body... all around, be it activity, exercise, food, everything.

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The BIGGEST change? I have no problem strutting my stuff in the little mini dress, even though TECHNICALLY I'm only like 12 pounds less than in the first pic when I would NOT leave my house without a big jacket/hoodie on, even IN the gym, even when it was literally 115 degrees outside! My WHOLE attitude has changed.

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I just realized that I will turn 42 next month!  I am feeling so great physically (other than injuring myself so easily!!!)... I love where I'm at in my head, with my self esteem and body image.  I hope everyone can learn to love themselves if they haven't yet... it is an incredible feeling!

Progress is Progress: The Emotional Side of Eating, Appetite and Listening to Your Body

I'm kind of at a standstill with visible progress, but I am working hard on my emotional progress... and that is a far bigger and harder thing for me. So, in part because I'm trying to get over my self loathing issues, and in part because I AM getting over them... I'm going to take photos more often. Even if I have to do it before I've put a bra on or combed my hair. So there! 

I am learning to love myself. Regardless of the scales. I'm going to use photos instead.

And maybe some day these photos will inspire me to finally do something with these bathroom walls!  We removed most of the horrid metallic silver print paper and now I'm stuck with what to do!

I STILL can't see my biceps.  I can feel them, though, and I can ALMOST see my triceps.

My arms are actually looking thinner than I thought!  I am feeling good about myself today, because even though its perioding/PMS-y bloated time, I don't feel like I LOOK bloated.  That's progress, people!

I'm holding steady at 193-5 and just keeping on with the lifting, although I'm down to 2-3 times a week because being on my feet all freaking day at Ren Faire is wiping me OUT, but I'm still getting in there and lifting heavy. 

My food is good. I've taken off ALL restrictions with my eating and find that I am eating much better/healthier than I was before. I don't worry about it if I am really craving something, I've found that wheat doesn't bother me, and I eat for what I know I need energy for. Taking the five months off of grains helped me a lot. It helped me figure out what I wanted, what I needed and I learned to *listen* to my body.

Q. So, did taking out grains allow you to reset your hunger cues???

A.  It actually just KILLED my appetite completely for the last 5 months.  COMPLETELY.  I had to force myself to eat, which meant that I ONLY ate when I was REALLY hungry.  Not a great thing, but it did force me to actually pay attention.  I had hated my weight gain so much that I had pretty much dissociated with my body altogether.  I would seriously be near passing out before I realized I was hungry.  It was kind of extreme, but it forced me to wake up, so to speak and pay attention!  

THEN I started being kind to myself instead of beating myself up... and it all shifted. 

The weight lifting thing has been HUGE for me.  I always used to hate it and I'm not sure what changed, but I love it now.  I love the way I can watch the numbers go up so easily.  It is really really easy to track my progress and I LIKE that.  Its kind of bringing out my competitive side, but I'm just competing against myself!

Weight, Size, Self Image... Now & Then

I am ASTOUNDED at how much the numbers don't bother me anymore.

For shits and giggles, I looked up my BMI. Because I have so much muscle, I knew it would show me as overweight, but I was surprised to see that it considers me not only OBESE, but I'll have to lose FIFTEEN more pounds before I'm "just" overweight. I have always found the BMI scale to be ridiculous, and this is just affirmation. I may be overweight, but the hell if I'm obese. Bitch, please!

Anyway... it just made me shake my head.

Speaking of "weight" I BENCHED 100 pounds TEN TIMES last night!!! I had to take it back down to 95 for my last two sets of ten, but it was pretty much supersets with less than 10 seconds rest, so I was going to TOWN, baby!!! Actually, I saw that the guy had left weights on the bar and I forgot that the bar weighs 45lbs, so I was thinking I'd just do a warm up set. When I lifted it, I thought, "Damn, this feels heavier than 55lbs!" and it wasn't until half way through the set that I remembered the bar weight :) I thought I was being a total weak ass.

So now I'm up to 100 lbs for at least one set of ten in dead lifts, lat pull downs, cable rows and bench press (probably decline bench, too, but I'm not sure). 

I feel SO STRONG, PEOPLE!!!

I found this skirt in my closet and posted an old pic on facebook. Friends were saying, "wow, you've lost weight!" and then I had to say... um, no. Old pic. Anyway, then I was curious as to how different I'd look in it now. 

The photo on the right is from January, 2011. I weighed around 140 pounds (I'm 5'5") and was wanting to lose 'those last ten pounds', but I was happy with my body. I was teaching pump & Zumba, working out 5 times a week and eating clean at least 80% of the time.

In June of that year, after an INCREDIBLY stressful few weeks, I suddenly started gaining weight like crazy, in spite of no changes to my workout routine or my eating habits.

Less than a year later, I had gained 70 pounds and I was miserable, exhausted, my joints ached and I just felt like crying ALL THE TIME. After trying everything I could think of, I finally started trying the medical route. I had no insurance, so it was hit and miss. I was patronized and treated horribly by some doctors. Some doctors refused to test my thyroid because they were convinced that I just needed "to exercise more and stop eating junk". THEY WOULD NOT HEAR ME.

After another 9-10 months of searching, I finally found a doctor who listened... actually listened and he put me on Armour thyroid medicine. The weight did not drop off, BUT all of the other symptoms disappeared. My joints stopped hurting, the unbearable fatigue stopped and I had the most important thing... HOPE.

I have been working out since mid January and I am getting back to it. I am still 50 pounds heavier in the second photo than I am in the first, but I am on my way, and this time my strength is the goal, not being "thin". Because I'm building muscle this time around, I don't think I'll get back to the old look exactly... I'm hoping for some muscles in those arms! I want the biceps and shoulders... and I am on my way!

Listen To Your Body. One of Many Light Bulb Moments as I Learn to Live, Eat and Move (and Lift Heavy Things! :)

EPIPHANY TIME: I do not know it all. *gasp*

As you may know, I've been sick this week. I laid in bed almost SOLID (couldn't even sit up without feeling like I would pass out/my head would explode) for two whole days and nights. I didn't feel hungry at ALL and only ate a cup or two of my Greek yogurt each day around mid-afternoon, when I remembered that food existed, and most of the time I slept. Towards the end of day two, I started craving oranges. 

ORANGES??? What? My FIRST ingrained reaction? I told myself I didn't need that many carbs/sugars/whatever because all I had been laying around doing nothing.

Then I realized that I was still in the habit of gut reaction thinking that food was a "treat" or something that I earned. Instead, I listened to my body and asked my husband to get me some oranges... then added in a little bit of a panic, "OR just some Vitamin C!" (Yeah, I'm still not quite there!) 

He replied with, "Oranges, they're better for you."  He knows allll about my brain and my issues with food, so he brought me oranges. Over the next couple of hours, I ate three. THREE. And it was okay, and that was a big deal (yeah, I've struggled for decades with disordered thinking when it comes to food and my body image!).  I savored each one and it was like I'd never even tasted an orange before.  I could almost hear my body saying, "THERE'S what I'm talking about!" :)

Then, when my 15 yo daughter came to me and said, "I'm not feeling well (my same symptoms), I know I HAVE TO eat, but I'm not hungry. What should I eat?" 

I was able to say... "Listen to your body. If you're not hungry, don't eat. Your body knows what it wants. Just rest when you feel tired, and when you're hungry, we'll get you something to eat. Keep water by your bed, keep at least sipping on it and let me know if you need anything." 

I slept through the night and woke up feeling at least half way normal. Yesterday I ate yogurt again, an apple and almond butter, a little bit of steak AND had another orange.  My appetite was back at least a little bit!

And my daughter woke up craving... Oranges. :)

Silly emotions and preconceived notions. Our bodies know what they need. Start listening. Stop blocking that voice because of what you're heard/read or because of what you think you know!

Measurements... I've lost 19 inches. Damn.

Well, I went to take pictures today... even though its still over a week away from my 'scheduled' 30 day progress pictures.  I mainly wanted to do it because I have been FEELING so different.  I've been feeling like I'm a lot less "fluffy" and I know I"m gaining more muscle and feeling stronger.

Anyway, the photos didn't impress me compared to last month's photos.  I didn't see ANY changes, and what I did see just depressed me.  I am still depressed that I've gotten this far off track.  THEN I went and compared them to my STARTING or "before" pictures.  That was a little more impressive:

I'm not estatic, but I am proud of the fact that I AM changing my body and getting to where I like it more!  I'm more comfortable in my skin... and that's saying a LOT!

ANYWAY, thankfully I took my measurements BEFORE I looked at the pictures (because that was a bit depressing for me to see, even with the changes, I don't like looking at myself that closely!).  I've lost a little over 19 inches.  It isn't quite THAT amazing, because for SOME odd reason that I can't explain, the last time I measured, I had gained inches in a lot of places, even though I had lost weight.  I don't know...

Here are my measurements:

My body fat % has gone down a lot as well, and I can definitely FEEL a difference.  My weight is going down... and honestly, I'm not hitting it as hard as I could as far as fat loss.  For me, quitting grains and quitting drinking was a HUGE, huge thing.  I'm glad that I've quit and it doesn't have a hold on me.  I have to see that as a HUGE victory.  At the end of my 3 months, I want to regroup and plan to get serious about the HIIT cardio and then I'm sure I'll see faster changes.

For now, I'm going to be okay with slower fat loss (than I expected) because I'm THRILLED with the strength training.  I'm thrilled that I'm gaining muscles and getting stronger.  I'm amazed to see the fat coming off without losing much of anything else.  I'm happy with my progress, I just have to remind myself of that every once in a while.  I'm not one of the "12 week body transformation" type winners this time.  Its okay to do what I can, because I AM DOING A LOT!!!

I really hope that I can get to a place in the next two months where I am happy to put on a swim suit, but that's not my be all, end all goal.  I want to make this a habit that I do even when I don't *feel* like it.

I want this to just be my routine.

I'm going to get better about posting my workouts.  I promise!!!  I'm increasing in strength, I'm adding new workouts, its awesome.  I FEEL like I should be seeing more of a change, but for now, I'm feeling good about the changes that I do see.

• I can lift more
• I don't feel so sore that I can't move for days anymore
• I am sleeping well at night... 
• My clothes are fitting better
• I don't feel all bloated and gross like I did most of the time before... 

its GOOD.  I'm making PROGRESS.

Now I just have to work on my emotional self!

PMS Monsters: Moods, Cravings & Food

Source: Uploaded by user via Lynette on Pinterest

Trivia Question of the Day:  What 'funny' dad/husband said this?

Wife:  "I think the hormonal fluctuation of PMS is screwing with my sleep.  I'm about ready to bawl my head off over everything."

Husband, "I kinda picked up on that a couple of days ago."

Hint: I didn't find it funny.

Yeah, it was my husband.  My generally awesome, amazing husband, who at times has 'foot in mouth disease'.

Thankfully for him, it was via email and I assumed he was being an idiot and not thinking.  If he'd been here in person, it could have easily led to tears or yelling.  Probably both.

I don't know what is up lately (yeah, I got it, I'm getting older, probably menopause type shit), but the emotional ups and downs have been crazy for me.  I have managed to pretty much avoid feeding my cravings, but I will say that after three days of craving sugar, I decided to allow myself a Snickers bar.  I actually bought one on Friday and then didn't even eat it until Saturday.

It was DIVINE... and it was ENOUGH!  That was a new one for me!  I was happy to have had it, I didn't beat myself up, I just enjoyed it and then that was ALL.  I didn't use that as a reason to beat myself up, or cave and eat everything in sight (something I've done in the past)... I just had a treat.  It was nice.  I felt good about having made a decision rather than just clinging to some hard and fast rule and I let myself BE.  I didn't fall apart and I didn't then cave on my whole journey to health.

I think I like this new me.  Listening to myself, being kind to myself and letting myself have weak moments without throwing the baby out with the bath water.

I feel victorious!

Source: indulgy.com via Allison on Pinterest

This may not seem like a big deal, but it is HUGE for someone like me!  I tend to be all or nothing, black or white, no in between... and even a small, tiny indiscretion would often have me giving up completely.  I'm growing up, y'all! :)

I am living by THIS motto now:

Source: indulgy.com via Ashley on Pinterest