Just Because I've Decided to Love Myself NOW, DOES NOT Mean That I'm Giving Up.

I think that although I haven't 'given up' on an aesthetic ideal by any means, I HAVE decided to focus more on my mental/emotional side AND getting stronger/building muscle FIRST. I want to give myself time to heal from my disordered thinking and self loathing that I've suffered with for most of my life. I deserve better. I've made it my goal to lift heavy 4 times a week or more for six months solid, and THEN worry about aesthetics again if I want/need to. The muscle will help a LOT with fat loss, and having the time to learn to love myself will help me feel better in every way.

I used to always think that if I could just get thin enough FIRST, THEN I could learn to love myself. Too many failed attempts (and even getting lean!) didn't help me love myself. I think I had it backwards and I have nothing to lose by loving myself first.

So here is my priority: Stronger, Healthier, Learn to Love myself. Revisit in a few months to see where I am.

I'm tired of the habit I've had of always thinking that "I will love myself when I lose x amount of pounds".  No.  I deserve to love myself NOW.  I wouldn't want my children to think that way, and I don't deserve to feel that way any longer either.  Neither do you.

My Five Months lifting and "Eating the Food" 'progress'

My lifting and "Eating the Food" 'progress' thus far.

Here we go... *gulp* I started lifting in mid-to late January. I had to take it easy for the first month as I was coming off of a back injury, but I started lifting 3-5 days a week. Soon I was lifting 5-6 days a week with 1 hour workouts and I really really LOVE lifting. No cardio.
During April I started "Eating the Food" (not that I was really purposefully restricting anything other than grains before that, but I DEFINITELY wasn't eating enough because I just didn't know!)

In May I added some little bursts of HIIT cardio during my lifting, but took the workouts down to 2 days a week because I was on my feet all weekends for Ren Faire.  So while there isn't a LOT of progress from the second to third row, the fact that there wasn't much decline when I took over a month off from 5-6 day a week workouts AND upped my calories quite a bit... I think that says a lot.  

First row (Jan) I was 210 pounds, 41% bf and MISERABLE. My own body issues, but I was VERY uncomfortable in my skin. 

Second Row, I was working our 5-6 days a week and losing, 195 lbs and 35.7% bf

Third row: Today, ETF (ZERO restrictions), lifting 2 days a week, 198 lbs and 36.7% bf. 


Moving forward: Going back to 5 days a week lifting heavy things, because I MISS IT. Probably not much HIIT because I hate cardio, trying to eat more veggies, but otherwise ETF. I'm curious to see what happens. It feels like I didn't "lose" much progress wise on my month "off" and I lost very little strength on my lifting, so I'm happy. I'm on board with trying to do what makes me feel good, LISTENING to my body... all around, be it activity, exercise, food, everything.

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The BIGGEST change? I have no problem strutting my stuff in the little mini dress, even though TECHNICALLY I'm only like 12 pounds less than in the first pic when I would NOT leave my house without a big jacket/hoodie on, even IN the gym, even when it was literally 115 degrees outside! My WHOLE attitude has changed.

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I just realized that I will turn 42 next month!  I am feeling so great physically (other than injuring myself so easily!!!)... I love where I'm at in my head, with my self esteem and body image.  I hope everyone can learn to love themselves if they haven't yet... it is an incredible feeling!

Positive Thinking is changing the way I live my life

A few years ago, I watched this interview with Will Smith.  I really like him as an actor, and a lot of what he says resounds with the way I've always felt.  A lot of what he had to say in this interview really stood out to me.  I watched it a few times over the years, but could never really lift myself far enough out of my depression to really grasp the whole *positive thinking* thing enough to dig myself out of my whole world of negativity.

The separation between talent and skill... talent you're born with, skill is built with hours and hours and hours of work.

"I want the world to be better because I was here... if you're not making someone else's life better, then you're wasting your time"

"I want to represent possibilities... you really can make what you want."

"I believe that I can create whatever I want."

"The first step, before anyone else has to believe it is that YOU have to believe it."

And my FAVORITE:

"Being realistic is the most commonly traveled road to mediocrity"

Anyway, I then started seeing things like "Bliss Boards" and "Dream Boards" and read about making yourself a visual reminder of what your goals are.  I decided to apply it to all areas of my life.  Well, MOST of them.  I don't have THAT much space!

This is what I've come up with:

And its working!!!  We're suddenly on the road to financial freedom in a way that has totally taken us by surprise, things are falling into place like we never imagined!  Soon my husband will be able to give up the job that he is miserable in and we'll be able to not only get by, but flourish.

One of the things I wanted to do before my oldest boys were up and out of the house (they turn 17 & 18 this year and both graduate next year) was to get a swimming pool for the yard to give all the kids a reason to stick around more (yeah, so sue me, I'm becoming one of *those* moms who doesn't want her kids to leave!)  Anyway, my husband found us a 30 foot pool for $600.00!!!  Now we just have to put it up (stay tuned for pictures of THAT workout! :)

• The money is coming in and soon we'll be able to help people when they need it!

• I'm going to have more sexiness with my husband (thus all those sexy couple pics.  I may even eventually add our own pics:)

• We'll be able to take our kids on a *real* vacation!

• We'll be able to pay our bills before they're due and without juggling to keep things turned on!

• Instead of visiting a food bank because we need food, we'll be visiting to give THEM food!

• (The Dodgeball reference)  We'll be the winners that came out from the bottom, the ones that no one expected to ever win!

• I'm getting stronger and leaner all the time and lifting all the things!

• And a little bitty thing... I am going back to my white hair and cut (and probably some bright colors again!)

One of the best parts is that my husband's new business (buying 'broken' cars for cheap, fixing them himself and reselling them) is bringing him and that boys closer.  They're actually working together and doing things together for the first time, really.  Just the guys!  (We have all always hung out as a family, but as far as just 'dad' time, its been more scarce!

AND... One of MY dreams is coming true... I'm studying to get my personal training certification, as well as getting some different group fitness certifications and its EXCITING to be able to get back into fitness as a paid job again!  

What is on YOUR Dream Board?

Progress is Progress: The Emotional Side of Eating, Appetite and Listening to Your Body

I'm kind of at a standstill with visible progress, but I am working hard on my emotional progress... and that is a far bigger and harder thing for me. So, in part because I'm trying to get over my self loathing issues, and in part because I AM getting over them... I'm going to take photos more often. Even if I have to do it before I've put a bra on or combed my hair. So there! 

I am learning to love myself. Regardless of the scales. I'm going to use photos instead.

And maybe some day these photos will inspire me to finally do something with these bathroom walls!  We removed most of the horrid metallic silver print paper and now I'm stuck with what to do!

I STILL can't see my biceps.  I can feel them, though, and I can ALMOST see my triceps.

My arms are actually looking thinner than I thought!  I am feeling good about myself today, because even though its perioding/PMS-y bloated time, I don't feel like I LOOK bloated.  That's progress, people!

I'm holding steady at 193-5 and just keeping on with the lifting, although I'm down to 2-3 times a week because being on my feet all freaking day at Ren Faire is wiping me OUT, but I'm still getting in there and lifting heavy. 

My food is good. I've taken off ALL restrictions with my eating and find that I am eating much better/healthier than I was before. I don't worry about it if I am really craving something, I've found that wheat doesn't bother me, and I eat for what I know I need energy for. Taking the five months off of grains helped me a lot. It helped me figure out what I wanted, what I needed and I learned to *listen* to my body.

Q. So, did taking out grains allow you to reset your hunger cues???

A.  It actually just KILLED my appetite completely for the last 5 months.  COMPLETELY.  I had to force myself to eat, which meant that I ONLY ate when I was REALLY hungry.  Not a great thing, but it did force me to actually pay attention.  I had hated my weight gain so much that I had pretty much dissociated with my body altogether.  I would seriously be near passing out before I realized I was hungry.  It was kind of extreme, but it forced me to wake up, so to speak and pay attention!  

THEN I started being kind to myself instead of beating myself up... and it all shifted. 

The weight lifting thing has been HUGE for me.  I always used to hate it and I'm not sure what changed, but I love it now.  I love the way I can watch the numbers go up so easily.  It is really really easy to track my progress and I LIKE that.  Its kind of bringing out my competitive side, but I'm just competing against myself!

Tornadoes and Devastating Loss in Oklahoma

We live in Oklahoma. Its been our home for most of the last 13 years. There are always tornado warnings and rarely is there massive destruction. Yesterday was horrific. Sitting, watching the news and checking radar, thinking that it was just another "oooh, the boogey man of tornadoes is coming" and not really worrying...

and then seeing the photos from Moore (two hours away from us) and then getting the updates on the schools and the children who didn't make it.

I just sat here thinking that could have been my kids. Its apparently easy for people to just say "Well why didn't they leave/not have school/go tot he basement?" but there really aren't many basements around here. The ground isn't suitable for basements in general, at least that was what we were told when we first moved here. There are SOME, but its rare... and from what I've seen, the kids who died were IN a basement. (I haven't been able to read too many details yet, I get completely overwhelmed just beginning to read/look)

Even so, when you've lived here for a while, you just get used to the "TORNADO" aka "THE SKY IS FALLING" and pretty soon it just becomes chatter that you just don't worry about very much... I wish there was a way to distinguish between the people running around freaking out "OMG TORNADO" and "No, seriously, a really big f*cking tornado is coming and you need to go away, you should specifically leave and head west on I44 Right.the.hell.NOW."

I woke up after countless nightmares of losing my children to this page up on the computer. I can't imagine the strength it takes to be one of those people who are doing the search and rescue. I can't imagine what it would be like to know that you're just going to recover those little children who didn't make it.

I'm not going to have much to say today about fitness or nutrition. Just appreciate what you have, love those around you and if there is any way to help anyone around you who needs it, do so.

Weight, Size, Self Image... Now & Then

I am ASTOUNDED at how much the numbers don't bother me anymore.

For shits and giggles, I looked up my BMI. Because I have so much muscle, I knew it would show me as overweight, but I was surprised to see that it considers me not only OBESE, but I'll have to lose FIFTEEN more pounds before I'm "just" overweight. I have always found the BMI scale to be ridiculous, and this is just affirmation. I may be overweight, but the hell if I'm obese. Bitch, please!

Anyway... it just made me shake my head.

Speaking of "weight" I BENCHED 100 pounds TEN TIMES last night!!! I had to take it back down to 95 for my last two sets of ten, but it was pretty much supersets with less than 10 seconds rest, so I was going to TOWN, baby!!! Actually, I saw that the guy had left weights on the bar and I forgot that the bar weighs 45lbs, so I was thinking I'd just do a warm up set. When I lifted it, I thought, "Damn, this feels heavier than 55lbs!" and it wasn't until half way through the set that I remembered the bar weight :) I thought I was being a total weak ass.

So now I'm up to 100 lbs for at least one set of ten in dead lifts, lat pull downs, cable rows and bench press (probably decline bench, too, but I'm not sure). 

I feel SO STRONG, PEOPLE!!!

I found this skirt in my closet and posted an old pic on facebook. Friends were saying, "wow, you've lost weight!" and then I had to say... um, no. Old pic. Anyway, then I was curious as to how different I'd look in it now. 

The photo on the right is from January, 2011. I weighed around 140 pounds (I'm 5'5") and was wanting to lose 'those last ten pounds', but I was happy with my body. I was teaching pump & Zumba, working out 5 times a week and eating clean at least 80% of the time.

In June of that year, after an INCREDIBLY stressful few weeks, I suddenly started gaining weight like crazy, in spite of no changes to my workout routine or my eating habits.

Less than a year later, I had gained 70 pounds and I was miserable, exhausted, my joints ached and I just felt like crying ALL THE TIME. After trying everything I could think of, I finally started trying the medical route. I had no insurance, so it was hit and miss. I was patronized and treated horribly by some doctors. Some doctors refused to test my thyroid because they were convinced that I just needed "to exercise more and stop eating junk". THEY WOULD NOT HEAR ME.

After another 9-10 months of searching, I finally found a doctor who listened... actually listened and he put me on Armour thyroid medicine. The weight did not drop off, BUT all of the other symptoms disappeared. My joints stopped hurting, the unbearable fatigue stopped and I had the most important thing... HOPE.

I have been working out since mid January and I am getting back to it. I am still 50 pounds heavier in the second photo than I am in the first, but I am on my way, and this time my strength is the goal, not being "thin". Because I'm building muscle this time around, I don't think I'll get back to the old look exactly... I'm hoping for some muscles in those arms! I want the biceps and shoulders... and I am on my way!

Listen To Your Body. One of Many Light Bulb Moments as I Learn to Live, Eat and Move (and Lift Heavy Things! :)

EPIPHANY TIME: I do not know it all. *gasp*

As you may know, I've been sick this week. I laid in bed almost SOLID (couldn't even sit up without feeling like I would pass out/my head would explode) for two whole days and nights. I didn't feel hungry at ALL and only ate a cup or two of my Greek yogurt each day around mid-afternoon, when I remembered that food existed, and most of the time I slept. Towards the end of day two, I started craving oranges. 

ORANGES??? What? My FIRST ingrained reaction? I told myself I didn't need that many carbs/sugars/whatever because all I had been laying around doing nothing.

Then I realized that I was still in the habit of gut reaction thinking that food was a "treat" or something that I earned. Instead, I listened to my body and asked my husband to get me some oranges... then added in a little bit of a panic, "OR just some Vitamin C!" (Yeah, I'm still not quite there!) 

He replied with, "Oranges, they're better for you."  He knows allll about my brain and my issues with food, so he brought me oranges. Over the next couple of hours, I ate three. THREE. And it was okay, and that was a big deal (yeah, I've struggled for decades with disordered thinking when it comes to food and my body image!).  I savored each one and it was like I'd never even tasted an orange before.  I could almost hear my body saying, "THERE'S what I'm talking about!" :)

Then, when my 15 yo daughter came to me and said, "I'm not feeling well (my same symptoms), I know I HAVE TO eat, but I'm not hungry. What should I eat?" 

I was able to say... "Listen to your body. If you're not hungry, don't eat. Your body knows what it wants. Just rest when you feel tired, and when you're hungry, we'll get you something to eat. Keep water by your bed, keep at least sipping on it and let me know if you need anything." 

I slept through the night and woke up feeling at least half way normal. Yesterday I ate yogurt again, an apple and almond butter, a little bit of steak AND had another orange.  My appetite was back at least a little bit!

And my daughter woke up craving... Oranges. :)

Silly emotions and preconceived notions. Our bodies know what they need. Start listening. Stop blocking that voice because of what you're heard/read or because of what you think you know!