Progress is Progress: The Emotional Side of Eating, Appetite and Listening to Your Body

I'm kind of at a standstill with visible progress, but I am working hard on my emotional progress... and that is a far bigger and harder thing for me. So, in part because I'm trying to get over my self loathing issues, and in part because I AM getting over them... I'm going to take photos more often. Even if I have to do it before I've put a bra on or combed my hair. So there! 

I am learning to love myself. Regardless of the scales. I'm going to use photos instead.

And maybe some day these photos will inspire me to finally do something with these bathroom walls!  We removed most of the horrid metallic silver print paper and now I'm stuck with what to do!

I STILL can't see my biceps.  I can feel them, though, and I can ALMOST see my triceps.

My arms are actually looking thinner than I thought!  I am feeling good about myself today, because even though its perioding/PMS-y bloated time, I don't feel like I LOOK bloated.  That's progress, people!

I'm holding steady at 193-5 and just keeping on with the lifting, although I'm down to 2-3 times a week because being on my feet all freaking day at Ren Faire is wiping me OUT, but I'm still getting in there and lifting heavy. 

My food is good. I've taken off ALL restrictions with my eating and find that I am eating much better/healthier than I was before. I don't worry about it if I am really craving something, I've found that wheat doesn't bother me, and I eat for what I know I need energy for. Taking the five months off of grains helped me a lot. It helped me figure out what I wanted, what I needed and I learned to *listen* to my body.

Q. So, did taking out grains allow you to reset your hunger cues???

A.  It actually just KILLED my appetite completely for the last 5 months.  COMPLETELY.  I had to force myself to eat, which meant that I ONLY ate when I was REALLY hungry.  Not a great thing, but it did force me to actually pay attention.  I had hated my weight gain so much that I had pretty much dissociated with my body altogether.  I would seriously be near passing out before I realized I was hungry.  It was kind of extreme, but it forced me to wake up, so to speak and pay attention!  

THEN I started being kind to myself instead of beating myself up... and it all shifted. 

The weight lifting thing has been HUGE for me.  I always used to hate it and I'm not sure what changed, but I love it now.  I love the way I can watch the numbers go up so easily.  It is really really easy to track my progress and I LIKE that.  Its kind of bringing out my competitive side, but I'm just competing against myself!

Tornadoes and Devastating Loss in Oklahoma

We live in Oklahoma. Its been our home for most of the last 13 years. There are always tornado warnings and rarely is there massive destruction. Yesterday was horrific. Sitting, watching the news and checking radar, thinking that it was just another "oooh, the boogey man of tornadoes is coming" and not really worrying...

and then seeing the photos from Moore (two hours away from us) and then getting the updates on the schools and the children who didn't make it.

I just sat here thinking that could have been my kids. Its apparently easy for people to just say "Well why didn't they leave/not have school/go tot he basement?" but there really aren't many basements around here. The ground isn't suitable for basements in general, at least that was what we were told when we first moved here. There are SOME, but its rare... and from what I've seen, the kids who died were IN a basement. (I haven't been able to read too many details yet, I get completely overwhelmed just beginning to read/look)

Even so, when you've lived here for a while, you just get used to the "TORNADO" aka "THE SKY IS FALLING" and pretty soon it just becomes chatter that you just don't worry about very much... I wish there was a way to distinguish between the people running around freaking out "OMG TORNADO" and "No, seriously, a really big f*cking tornado is coming and you need to go away, you should specifically leave and head west on I44 Right.the.hell.NOW."

I woke up after countless nightmares of losing my children to this page up on the computer. I can't imagine the strength it takes to be one of those people who are doing the search and rescue. I can't imagine what it would be like to know that you're just going to recover those little children who didn't make it.

I'm not going to have much to say today about fitness or nutrition. Just appreciate what you have, love those around you and if there is any way to help anyone around you who needs it, do so.

Weight, Size, Self Image... Now & Then

I am ASTOUNDED at how much the numbers don't bother me anymore.

For shits and giggles, I looked up my BMI. Because I have so much muscle, I knew it would show me as overweight, but I was surprised to see that it considers me not only OBESE, but I'll have to lose FIFTEEN more pounds before I'm "just" overweight. I have always found the BMI scale to be ridiculous, and this is just affirmation. I may be overweight, but the hell if I'm obese. Bitch, please!

Anyway... it just made me shake my head.

Speaking of "weight" I BENCHED 100 pounds TEN TIMES last night!!! I had to take it back down to 95 for my last two sets of ten, but it was pretty much supersets with less than 10 seconds rest, so I was going to TOWN, baby!!! Actually, I saw that the guy had left weights on the bar and I forgot that the bar weighs 45lbs, so I was thinking I'd just do a warm up set. When I lifted it, I thought, "Damn, this feels heavier than 55lbs!" and it wasn't until half way through the set that I remembered the bar weight :) I thought I was being a total weak ass.

So now I'm up to 100 lbs for at least one set of ten in dead lifts, lat pull downs, cable rows and bench press (probably decline bench, too, but I'm not sure). 

I feel SO STRONG, PEOPLE!!!

I found this skirt in my closet and posted an old pic on facebook. Friends were saying, "wow, you've lost weight!" and then I had to say... um, no. Old pic. Anyway, then I was curious as to how different I'd look in it now. 

The photo on the right is from January, 2011. I weighed around 140 pounds (I'm 5'5") and was wanting to lose 'those last ten pounds', but I was happy with my body. I was teaching pump & Zumba, working out 5 times a week and eating clean at least 80% of the time.

In June of that year, after an INCREDIBLY stressful few weeks, I suddenly started gaining weight like crazy, in spite of no changes to my workout routine or my eating habits.

Less than a year later, I had gained 70 pounds and I was miserable, exhausted, my joints ached and I just felt like crying ALL THE TIME. After trying everything I could think of, I finally started trying the medical route. I had no insurance, so it was hit and miss. I was patronized and treated horribly by some doctors. Some doctors refused to test my thyroid because they were convinced that I just needed "to exercise more and stop eating junk". THEY WOULD NOT HEAR ME.

After another 9-10 months of searching, I finally found a doctor who listened... actually listened and he put me on Armour thyroid medicine. The weight did not drop off, BUT all of the other symptoms disappeared. My joints stopped hurting, the unbearable fatigue stopped and I had the most important thing... HOPE.

I have been working out since mid January and I am getting back to it. I am still 50 pounds heavier in the second photo than I am in the first, but I am on my way, and this time my strength is the goal, not being "thin". Because I'm building muscle this time around, I don't think I'll get back to the old look exactly... I'm hoping for some muscles in those arms! I want the biceps and shoulders... and I am on my way!

Listen To Your Body. One of Many Light Bulb Moments as I Learn to Live, Eat and Move (and Lift Heavy Things! :)

EPIPHANY TIME: I do not know it all. *gasp*

As you may know, I've been sick this week. I laid in bed almost SOLID (couldn't even sit up without feeling like I would pass out/my head would explode) for two whole days and nights. I didn't feel hungry at ALL and only ate a cup or two of my Greek yogurt each day around mid-afternoon, when I remembered that food existed, and most of the time I slept. Towards the end of day two, I started craving oranges. 

ORANGES??? What? My FIRST ingrained reaction? I told myself I didn't need that many carbs/sugars/whatever because all I had been laying around doing nothing.

Then I realized that I was still in the habit of gut reaction thinking that food was a "treat" or something that I earned. Instead, I listened to my body and asked my husband to get me some oranges... then added in a little bit of a panic, "OR just some Vitamin C!" (Yeah, I'm still not quite there!) 

He replied with, "Oranges, they're better for you."  He knows allll about my brain and my issues with food, so he brought me oranges. Over the next couple of hours, I ate three. THREE. And it was okay, and that was a big deal (yeah, I've struggled for decades with disordered thinking when it comes to food and my body image!).  I savored each one and it was like I'd never even tasted an orange before.  I could almost hear my body saying, "THERE'S what I'm talking about!" :)

Then, when my 15 yo daughter came to me and said, "I'm not feeling well (my same symptoms), I know I HAVE TO eat, but I'm not hungry. What should I eat?" 

I was able to say... "Listen to your body. If you're not hungry, don't eat. Your body knows what it wants. Just rest when you feel tired, and when you're hungry, we'll get you something to eat. Keep water by your bed, keep at least sipping on it and let me know if you need anything." 

I slept through the night and woke up feeling at least half way normal. Yesterday I ate yogurt again, an apple and almond butter, a little bit of steak AND had another orange.  My appetite was back at least a little bit!

And my daughter woke up craving... Oranges. :)

Silly emotions and preconceived notions. Our bodies know what they need. Start listening. Stop blocking that voice because of what you're heard/read or because of what you think you know!

Going Forward... the 2nd 12 Weeks of my transformation.

My 42nd birthday is July 23rd... I have Goals to reach by then!

That will be just a little bit past my second "12 Week" mark.  I have some goals that I want to meet, but mostly I want to make some new changes and habits.

During my first 12 weeks, I wanted to (A) Lose Fat & (B) Get Healthier.

I managed to:

1. Stop drinking alcohol (once a month instead of every night)
2. Stop eating grains (a 6 month goal, at which point I will gradually add them back in to see what/if anything bothers me digestive-wise)
3. Eat "Clean" six days a week (The main change for ME: cut out grains, sugar & artificial sweeteners)
4. Eat more protein
5. Celebrate one cheat meal/day a week as I felt I needed it (sometimes I ended up with a day of noshing on this or that, but most often I had one treat for the day and that was plenty!)
6. Workout with weights at least 4 days a week, usually 5-6
7. Increase my strength a LOT!
8. Start falling asleep by 10:00 instead of 1 or 2 am!!!  (this was HUGE!!!)
9. Start taking my supplements & vitamins regularly
10. accomplish a daily fitness/workout challenge every day each month
11. I've lost 17 pounds, went from 41% body fat to 35.7% AND lost lost of inches (around 20)
12. I have more energy, more focus and feel MUCH more comfortable in my own skin.

During my second 12 Weeks, I would like to add a few new habits:

• Try carb cycling
• Eat a LOT more fresh vegetables (spring is in the air!)
• Add in Cardio three times a week (starting with SMALL doses with HIIT on the bike & elliptical)
• Keep up the weight lifting, keep up the challenges and clean eating
• Lose another 17-24 pounds of fat, get down to 30% body fat & lose more inches!!!
• Find a better way to deal with stress

Non fitness related, but because I finally have energy and better focus:

• Paint something each week
• Work on my script formatting at least a few times a week
• Do something special, specifically for my husband each week
• Have a family dinner once a week
• Spend time with the kids doing something physical at least weekly

I will also start posting my workouts here at least when they change. 

Measurements... I've lost 19 inches. Damn.

Well, I went to take pictures today... even though its still over a week away from my 'scheduled' 30 day progress pictures.  I mainly wanted to do it because I have been FEELING so different.  I've been feeling like I'm a lot less "fluffy" and I know I"m gaining more muscle and feeling stronger.

Anyway, the photos didn't impress me compared to last month's photos.  I didn't see ANY changes, and what I did see just depressed me.  I am still depressed that I've gotten this far off track.  THEN I went and compared them to my STARTING or "before" pictures.  That was a little more impressive:

I'm not estatic, but I am proud of the fact that I AM changing my body and getting to where I like it more!  I'm more comfortable in my skin... and that's saying a LOT!

ANYWAY, thankfully I took my measurements BEFORE I looked at the pictures (because that was a bit depressing for me to see, even with the changes, I don't like looking at myself that closely!).  I've lost a little over 19 inches.  It isn't quite THAT amazing, because for SOME odd reason that I can't explain, the last time I measured, I had gained inches in a lot of places, even though I had lost weight.  I don't know...

Here are my measurements:

My body fat % has gone down a lot as well, and I can definitely FEEL a difference.  My weight is going down... and honestly, I'm not hitting it as hard as I could as far as fat loss.  For me, quitting grains and quitting drinking was a HUGE, huge thing.  I'm glad that I've quit and it doesn't have a hold on me.  I have to see that as a HUGE victory.  At the end of my 3 months, I want to regroup and plan to get serious about the HIIT cardio and then I'm sure I'll see faster changes.

For now, I'm going to be okay with slower fat loss (than I expected) because I'm THRILLED with the strength training.  I'm thrilled that I'm gaining muscles and getting stronger.  I'm amazed to see the fat coming off without losing much of anything else.  I'm happy with my progress, I just have to remind myself of that every once in a while.  I'm not one of the "12 week body transformation" type winners this time.  Its okay to do what I can, because I AM DOING A LOT!!!

I really hope that I can get to a place in the next two months where I am happy to put on a swim suit, but that's not my be all, end all goal.  I want to make this a habit that I do even when I don't *feel* like it.

I want this to just be my routine.

I'm going to get better about posting my workouts.  I promise!!!  I'm increasing in strength, I'm adding new workouts, its awesome.  I FEEL like I should be seeing more of a change, but for now, I'm feeling good about the changes that I do see.

• I can lift more
• I don't feel so sore that I can't move for days anymore
• I am sleeping well at night... 
• My clothes are fitting better
• I don't feel all bloated and gross like I did most of the time before... 

its GOOD.  I'm making PROGRESS.

Now I just have to work on my emotional self!

I LOVE Weight Lifting!!!

I'm improving!!!  I did 95# on the decline bench press tonight... I was struggling, but I did 3 sets of ten! That's 20# up from my last time. My husband pushes me so much more than I would push myself!

We got to the dumb bell flyes and K. started with 25# and gave up.  He absolutely couldn't do it, so I gave him 20# and he said he couldn't do it.  So I went and did 10 with the 20# and suddenly he decided he COULD do it after all.  He's SO funny.  Seriously, he's SO comical, between the two of us and our sarcastic sense of humor... it would make a funny show :)  Anyway, I did 3 sets of 10 with the 20# and was barely sweating it, so Kainan had to finish off with two last sets using the 25#.  I gave him such a hard time... he's a good sport about it, thankfully :)

**I think that maybe I shouldn't have said, "Why don't I feel sore anymore when I work out?" this morning when talking to my hubby.

My arms feel a LOT less 'squishy', even though I haven't been able to do but maybe one bicep/tricep workout in the last MONTH due to my elbow.  I think my shoulders are getting more defined, though, and that is helping a bit.  I feel STRONG.  I LOVE IT.  I love the feeling of lifting weights, especially when I go up in weight from one week to the next.  I love it when suddenly something that felt really hard one week suddenly feels easy... I just feel so much more... OOMPH than I have before.

I LOVED doing Zumba and teaching classes.  I loved working up into a big sweaty dripping mess, and I hope to teach again, because encouraging others was awesome as well... but weight lifting is such a different beast.  I am really surprised at how much I like it.  I can do it when I am pissed off, I can do it when I'm happy, I can do it whenever and I can FORCE myself to do it and still push myself.  Its just DIFFERENT.  I'm so SO glad that I started.

I need to post here more and post more updated photos.  I'm seeing changes in ways that I've never seen before.  I'm VERY curious to see how this plays out...

If anyone is reading and has questions, let me know!  I'm hoping to keep updating here at least twice a week.  I am lifting weights 6 days a week this month and getting maybe 2 sessions of HIIT of about 15-20 minutes each week... at best.  I must say, I'm really slacking on the cardio!

Find me on my Fitspiration Over 40 Facebook Page for Daily Challenges and updates!