Learning to love myself is much harder than I thought it would be.
I realized last night that I'm subconsciously twisting things to fit my own self doubt. Subconsciously setting myself up for failure and self loathing. Feeding my insecurities.
There are games that I play that he can't possibly win... because I play them to keep my own insecurities at the forefront because I don't think I deserve to feel good about myself. I don't deserve to be loved.
I want him to chase me. I want him to want me. Yet I feel so insecure about myself that I can't bear to be touched if there is any chance that he's going to be repelled by my weight. I don't believe him when he says he wants me. He can't win.
Somewhere deep inside me, I feel unloveable. Undeserving of love and affection. I don't know how to reach this part and bring it out. I attribute it to the weight I've gained, but I know its deeper than that. Its not like I felt deserving of love when I was thinner. I always think, 'I can't control what is going on inside of my thoughts/feelings but I can control the weight, even if I can't seem to fix what's inside.
This has been my lifelong battle with my weight. I'm trying to control the one thing that feels like it is within my ability to control when everything else seems out of my hands.
I go to bed alone, lonely, aching for his touch. He comes to bed and curls up around me, his hands caressing me and I tell myself that its only because I made a big deal about him not being attracted to me anymore. He can't win.
He will admit that although he is still attracted to me, he was more attracted to me when I was leaner. I can't even be angry, because I feel the same way about myself. How can he possibly be *as* attracted to me now, 70 pounds heavier? Why do I have to hear that as a black and white "I don't want you until you lose the weight", when that isn't at all what he said?
I asked him to tell me the things that he finds sexy or attractive about me, so that I would feel sexier. He commented that my ass is looking pretty fine. It wasn't a surprise, or maybe it was, but it broke my heart a little bit that that was the only positive thing he could think to say about my looks.
I don't know how to "eat the food" and be okay with continuing to stall or gain weight, but I LOVE not being a slave to food anymore. I KNOW this is the right thing to do. I thoroughly believe that I need to eat enough, and that taking restrictions off has absolutely helped me with my disordered eating habits.
I don't know how to quit drinking when I feel so devastated and undeserving of happiness. I know that if I quit drinking every night that I would be able to lose the weight faster. I just need to get my head in the right place. I was sober for almost 4 months at the beginning of this year. I can do it again.
Maybe if I stay sober long enough, I can force myself to deal with these feelings that I keep bottled up and get them out. Get the voices out of my head that tell me I don't deserve to be happy, that I don't deserve to be loved.
I will continue to meditate on it, and try to change those voices... it feels good to just get it out of my head right now.
I deserve to be loved.
I am beautiful.
My body is... (Maybe I'm not quite there yet.)
My body is strong.
And when my husband asked me how I was feeling today, I wrote, "Odd space. Depressed. Feeling unloveable, unattractive and lonely."
His reply, "You are a beautiful, funny, intelligent, attractive and witty person who I love with all my heart." If only I could have a loop of HIS thoughts about me playing in my head all day!
I know this was a sad post, but it was pretty raw and honest and I hope that by acknowledging my feelings on this, that I can get them out of my head and maybe start some healing conversations that will help others along with myself.
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