I wrote this the other day. I was feeling completely raw. Devastated, even though I couldn't even explain to myself WHY I was feeling so hopeless, I had to get it out of my head. The follow up post is here.
I think its pretty indicative of HOW FAR my depressed brain takes things. In the midst of a depressive episode, it ALWAYS feels like EVERYTHING is hopeless, like things have never been good... for YEARS. I can get to the point where I am upset that I have so many responsibilities so that I HAVE TO stay on this earth. I can understand how people get to the end of their rope... this mindset, whether its been on you for hours, days, weeks or months, seems to always feel like it has NEVER BEEN DIFFERENT.
Even those memories that you may have of "happier times" seem unreal, like you've just imagined it. I can talk myself out of all kinds of positives when I'm in the throes of depression.
To be clear, my marriage is solid. My husband actually sticks right by me through all of these ups and downs, and these aren't even the worst of what we've been through... this is just one illustration of how depression affects my brain, my thought patterns and my view of the world around me.
Throughout all of this, my husband's answer to "What do you WANT?" is always, "I just want to be close to you and I just want you to be happy." Even when I'm feeling like this: (and I was honestly holding back a lot, because I didn't want anyone to worry about my mental state!)
"I'm feeling really depressed. Patrick and I are not on the same page AT ALL.
I'm walking around in a daze feeling unwanted, unneeded, depressed and LONELY (including telling him several times that I'm feeling LONELY) and he's walking around with the assumption that I'm pissed at him or hate being in his presence. (I say, "WTF? I'm not even remotely ANGRY at you about anything! I'm LONELY AND FEELING UNWANTED!" and he's completely shocked. What the hell.)
Trying to talk about it just seems to make things even more awkward and stilted.
I'm tired of feeling totally disconnected in this relationship. We've both continued to build up walls over the course of the last several years to the point where we can't even seem to hear each other. It feels like we have this totally dysfunctional relationship. He's trying to make me happy (I know, you can't MAKE someone happy), I'm trying to feel connected or needed or wanted or anything and he's trying to "fix" things in his own way and nothing is working.
Its depressing. We used to be so intertwined and connected, yin and yang, whatever you want to call it. Now it just feels like we're each in our own world.
I don't know how to fix it. I'm tired of feeling alone and completely unnecessary.
I'm tired of being stressed out about money.
I'm tired of being misunderstood every single time I try to say something.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm alone.
We've been together nearly TWENTY YEARS. This is not a new relationship. Its not like we've kept things hidden from each other. We've been through hell and back and yet here we are. At this impasse. He thinks that things are going to get better because its almost spring and because we're slowly catching up financially so there will be less stress. I am beginning to feel completely hopeless. Things haven't been right for a long time."
I think that it really helps when I finally DO write these things out. I find it just bizarre to think that I was in a space where I felt like my marriage was over... when I know that it wasn't like that a month ago... but any time I get hit with depression, it seems that it has ALWAYS BEEN THAT BAD. Even that last paragraph, where I write that he is trying to convince me that things are changing. I knew logically that he was right, but I couldn't grasp ANY of that reality. It was as unreal as someone saying, "Just wait, we're going to win a million dollars in the lottery..." even though we don't play it!
Maybe it helps me to see more clearly. Maybe it just gets those repetitive thoughts OUT of my head. I don't know, but it helps. Looking back on this, just DAYS later, it seems almost absurd that I would feel THAT hopeless about my life, about my marriage. I hate that depression can just take over like that.
I need to remember, and if you suffer from depression, I want you to remember, it isn't forever. Write it down, get out of your own head. Call someone, journal, exercise... find some hope. These thoughts are not the truth. And even IF things are bad, take steps to find the truth and change what you can. Nothing is worth being trapped in depression. You don't deserve it. Let it go, write and write and write until you have a revelation that helps you.
Go for a run. Run until the endorphins kick in.
Paint, Draw, Dance, Sing, Play,
Go to a park, be a kid again...
Find ANYTHING you can to get your mind out of the muck.
Find your hope.
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