My Back Story

So... how did I get here?  I'm 41.  Its not a short story.  I'll try to keep it as brief as possible and stay on topic.  I'll get to the fun picture posts and vlogs as soon as possible, but I need to get the backstory out there first. 

I'm not going to lie... this has been my BIGGEST struggle!

I have struggled with my body image my entire life.  I was raised by my mother who struggled with her body image.  I was sexually abused throughout my childhood and that led to even more body and self image issues.

I got married just before my 23rd birthday to the love of my life.  We will celebrate 19 years together this year.  He has been with me through thick and thin (literally), through having and raising 5 awesome kids, through all of my emotional issues in trying to heal from my childhood.

He has loved me in all shapes and sizes and never put me down or criticized me... I can't say the same about my own worst enemy.  Maybe you can relate, my worst enemy, the one looking at me in disgust, the one berating me for gaining weight, for being fat and lazy... my worst enemy was myself.

I went through a really rough time of dealing with my childhood stuff about 6 or so years ago.  I had decided that it was time to deal with it and be "done" with it.  It wasn't quite THAT simple, but it did have a profound effect on me, my husband, my children and our relationship.  I feel that it was an important step and that it made a lot of good changes in my life.

After that, I decided that it was time for me to step out of my comfort zone and do something for me.  I joined a gym.  I took my first Zumba class in August of 2007.  I was instantly hooked.  I got my license to teach in September of that year and started teaching as soon as I got back.  I loved it and I was seriously addicted!

I loved inspiring others, it was great fun and as a bonus, I got down to a weight that I was thrilled with!  I continued to grow as an instructor, started eating clean and found that my weight was fairly easy to maintain. I fluctuated a little here and there, but not more than 5-10 pounds.  Even then, it was easy to get it back off.  Once my pants started getting tight, I just spent a few weeks tracking my portions and generally found that my portion sizes had been creeping up there and I was just eating too much.  An easy fix.



After a year or so, I got my AFAA certification for group fitness and got certified to teach PiYo.  I was subbing for other classes and eventually started teaching some strength training classes.  I was so thrilled...

Until a little less than two years ago.  I strained my knees just a little too much and didn't take a break at first.  I finally took a break and recuperated.  I had gained a few pounds, but didn't think much of it.

In early 2011, I was still struggling with my joint issues.  I had tried swimming, but the cold KILLED my joints.  I would be in agony, feeling like my bones were going to burst for an entire DAY after spending 15 minutes in a cold pool.  I was starting to have worse issues with insomnia and we were having some severe long term financial strain.

Then, in May of that year, I had a huge falling out with my 19 year old daughter and she moved out of our house.  My husband and I had a pretty big falling as a result of some miscommunication surrounding that, and the stress seemed to completely debilitate my system. After years of consistent stress that I hadn't been dealing with in a healthy way, the stress of that incident seemed to have completely overtaxed my system.  My adrenals were so over stressed, my thyroid and metabolism seemed to just give up on me.

Suddenly my joints were becoming so stiff, that I would come home after teaching for one hour and be unable to move without pain for the rest of the day.  Suddenly, I was packing on pounds, regardless of the fact that I wasn't doing anything differently with my diet.  I had gained 15 pounds in just 6 weeks and I started panicking and tried some different diets.  I tried the candida diet, but I couldn't seem to stick with it, I just felt worse and couldn't get past the "cleanse" part where you feel worse before you're better.  I couldn't afford to NOT work, so I kept teaching classes, but I continued to gain weight, leading up to gaining 50 pounds in 9 months.  I weighed more than I had ever weighed, even when I was 9 months pregnant with ANY of my FIVE children.

In February 2012, I finally called my boss to give her notice.  I was in so much pain all the time that I was getting nothing done.  I was so depressed that I could barely drag myself out of bed.  I was to the point of feeling too embarrassed to even leave the house, much less try to lead a "fitness" class of any kind.

Now that I wasn't forced to get up and go workout, that stress was gone, but I got more depressed.  I struggled more with insomnia and started drinking more at night because it was the only thing that helped me sleep.  I wore workout clothes 24/7 because they were the only clothes that fit.  I refused to go shopping because all I ever did was end up sobbing in the dressing rooms.  I couldn't bear the thought of looking in the mirror.  I let my hair go, I never wore makeup anymore because I literally couldn't stand to look at myself.  I beat myself up and cried or cringed when my husband touched me.  We became distant from each other because of my own self loathing and I didn't know how to fix it.  I didn't feel like myself anymore and I hated who I had become.

My daughter made me dread extensions and I used them almost like a disguise.  The weight didn't bother me as much when I could hide behind my hair.  *It is nearly impossible to find photos of myself after this point.  I avoided the camera at all costs.
I was finally desperate enough to go to the doctor.  It took another 4-6 months of trying out different doctors, getting a ton of tests that all came back "normal" and trying not to give up completely before I found a doctor who would help me.  In that time I had gained another 20 pounds, with a total of 70 pounds.  This doctor put me on Armour Thyroid and I took it for a month.  I thought it was maybe making a little bit of a difference.  Then I ran out.

Since Armour is more natural, it tends to have a more gradual effect... so I thought it wasn't helping at all, so I just kind of gave up.  I decided that it was just time to make peace with the fact that I was going to be a frumpy old woman.

A few days after I stopped taking it, I was completely incapable of functioning.  I could barely drag myself out of bed to sit on the couch.  I couldn't walk without being bent over from the pain in my joints.  I wasn't sleeping hardly at all.  I spent literally hours every day crying and feeling absolutely hopeless.  I can't tell you how many times my husband sat in front of me, begging me to tell him how to help me and all I could do was cry.  I was nearly to the point of being suicidal before we were able to get back into my doctor.   He explained that because the Armour Thyroid is a more natural medicine, that it works to build up gradually, but that stopping it would cause it to drop off pretty suddenly and that was obviously what had happened.

He gave me a 90 day prescription so that I wouldn't run out again and I started back up the hill.  AGAIN.  I was still feeling pretty hopeless, but I had just enough of a glimmer of hopefulness to want to try.

Going from this:
To This:  
Was not acceptable.  I want my old self back.  I want to be able to look in the mirror and recognize ME!  I was willing to give up whatever it took... and do whatever it took to get myself back.







Coming Up Next:  My Odd Turning Point.

The Affects of Alcohol on Your Metabolism aka A Reason for me to Quit Drinking

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