Raising Children with a Healthy Self Esteem, Positive Body Image and Self Confidence

I have five very different children.  Five children, who, for the most part are very self assured, have very positive self images and healthy views of their bodies.

My two boys, 14 months apart, the one on the left had been to the gym maybe 10 times at the time of this photo.  The one in the right has been into sports his whole life and spent the last semester in weight lifting at school.  They are both proud of their own accomplishments, even though they are built so differently.  They were complimentary to each other, even though they are both highly competitive.  This was a BIG "win" in my book!

I've purposefully raised them from the get go to be individuals and to be proud of their OWN individuality.  We have always talked very openly about our bodies, body types as well as nutrition and exercise.  We've always been very open about body changes/puberty, periods, PMS and hormones.  We talk about sexuality and attractiveness.

I find it ironic that in my most recent journey towards both physical AND mental fitness... that I've started realizing that all of the things I've told my kids from the very beginning are true for me, too.  (I know, it shouldn't be rocket science, but I had a lot more baggage to get over than they did).  I am not different than them, I don't need to starve myself or 'wait until I'm lean and fit' before I'm worthy of acceptance.

If I wouldn't talk down to my children the way that I talk down to myself... why do I think its okay to talk to myself that way???

Things I've told my children that I need to learn.

• We all have different body types.  None of them are better than any others, it just means that you might have to do different things to stay lean than someone else, if that's what you want.  You might have more curves, bigger boobs, no boobs, a bigger butt or wider shoulders... you might gain muscle really easily, you might gain fat easily, too.  You have to work with what you've got.

• Eat when you're hungry.  Eat food that makes you feel good.  

• When you eat something that makes you feel crappy/gives you a head ache/makes you tired... either eat that less, or find other things to eat with it that help your body deal with it better (ie: in my case, eating protein with sugar helps me not have that sugar crash later)

• It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you.  At all.  

I didn't really know if any of these words were "sticking" as they grew up... until my middle daughter decided at 13 to make a youtube channel.  I pictured all of the nasty comments I'd seen on kids channels before.  I knew that she was coming to a time where her skin would probably break out, that she might gain some 'chubbiness' as her body and hormones leveled out.  *I* don't care about those things... she didn't appear to... but I knew that someone online wouldn't hesitate to bring it up.

Her first... non complimentary comment was pretty mild.  After a long, somewhat rambling video, someone posted "Zzzzz....Z.zzzz.... Zzzzz..."

Her reply?  "Hey, I think your phone is buzzing, you should go answer it."

I laughed and realized that she simply wasn't as sensitive as I was, because she is confident in WHO she is :)

Then she did a video review of some makeup... and her skin had broken out (just a little), but she didn't seem to care.

Then this happened:

Now I know it wasn't horribly mean, but I know that for me as a teen... that would have had me piling on the makeup (I was very insecure about my looks... always).

I wondered after that, if she would start being more paranoid about it... but, nope.  She honestly didn't care and has continued to show herself as confident, self assured and happy with herself.

Since then, we've had two girls with completely different body types hitting puberty, filling out and changing... I thought that might cause some problems, and there have been some spats, but they're very minor.

One of them was, (My youngest daughter, 12), "Mom, when we were at our friends house, *P* told them that I had boobs!!!"  (she is JUST starting to develop, but earlier than her sisters did)

I just said, "Well, you ARE getting boobs, aren't you?"

"Um, yeah."

I said, "Well then, I imagine that your friends and their mom all know what boobs are, right?"  She nodded.  "Then I suppose they can SEE that you're getting boobs, so its really no big secret, right?"

"No, I guess not."

"Are you sorry that you're getting boobs?"

She almost seemed offended, "Well NO!"

"Then what is the problem?  If you have boobs, some people are going to notice.  Maybe your sister is just getting panicked because she thinks you'll get bigger boobs than her, maybe she's just so surprised, she wanted to point it out.  Maybe she was just being bitchy and trying to get a reaction, but honestly, it doesn't need to be a big deal.  I don't think she meant it to be hurtful, I think she's just surprised by the whole thing."

She seemed completely reassured and everything was fine (and to be clear, if my daughter is being bitchy, I have no problem admitting that, to her or anyone else, we all have our days, especially the passionate people in this house!).  I took a volatile situation and made it NORMAL and OKAY.  Its okay to change, its okay to feel strange and need to talk about it, but it is not necessary to let other peoples' words, observations or opinions change out own perspective.

I don't know.  Maybe I'm just talking out of my ass here, and no one wants to hear what I have to say.  I do have a LOT to say on raising children, though... I'm just not sure if I should say it :)  Parenting is such an individual thing.  Hell, I'm a different parent to each of my children within my own house.  If there is one thing I've learned, all children are different and you can't just treat them all the same and expect the same results!

Any specific topics you'd like me to cover (especially when it comes to self image, body consciousness and instilling confidence in our children)?